make mine a big mac

[crab]

WHO: khisanth, karkat vantas.
WHERE: louisiana swamp.
WHEN: april 6.
WARNINGS: khisanth. also karkat's foul mouth.
SUMMARY: apparently khisanth is in the mood for takeout.
FORMAT: quicklog.

[ karkat has found himself perched upon a large boulder, communicator out, perusing the network, looking for someone to be annoyed with. what could possibly go wrong here. certainly not an ambush from a horrifying dragon. that would be absurd. ]

Comments

[onblackwings]

[ That would be just utterly absurd. So when Khisanth swoops in silently from above, wings flaring at the last second for a dramatic landing not far from Karkat, it's just totally innocent. Entirely. Even if she knows what kind of effect her enormous body and a sudden appearance tends to have on people, why, she'd never abuse that.

And is that a little red and yellow bag clutched in one of those giant talons? ]

Hello.

[crab]

[ is that karkat falling off his boulder in surprise? yes, it is. ]

Oh my god, what is with you and your penchant for the most horrifying entrances possible?!

[onblackwings]

I could ask the same of you and your habit of being easily frightened.

[ She settles herself a little more comfortably, dropping to a crouch with wings folding in. ]

Are you hungry?

[crab]

Ha ha ha! Wrong. I'm not frightened of your immense lizard lard ass, merely overwhelmed by your incapability not to give a warning before you go swinging it around in some asshole's sniffnode. I need to have some time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for such a traumatizingly ugly visual experience.

[ pause.

yes, he's hungry. and particularly hungry if that bag contains food not from the swamp. is that food not from the swamp. ]

... Yeah.

[onblackwings]

[ Yeah, totally not even going to bother with a reply to that. He's wonderfully frightened of her, even if he won't admit to it. She doesn't mind.

And then, with no warning at all, there's a naked human lady sharing the swamp with Karkat instead of a giant dragon. She heads over, holding out the bag, which suddenly looks a little better-sized in her much smaller human hands. ]

There's enough food for two in here.

1/?

[crab]

[ OH

[crab]

MY

[crab]

GOD. ]

done

[crab]

[ he was not prepared to see what humans look like naked. he could expound upon all the ways in which he did not want to see a human naked for years. he could fill several encyclopaedias on the subject of not wanting to see them naked.

HE WAS NOT READY FOR BOOBS.

the food is forgotten and so has the idea of getting up out of the swamp. ]

WHAT THE SHIT SMEARED SIDEWAYS BUTTFUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

[onblackwings]

[ whoa uh. what. She blinks, actually looking a touch startled, before it magically transforms into annoyance. ]

What are you talking about now?

[crab]

[ he's bellowing at the top of his lungs and has his hands over his face, eyes squeezed shut. he may or may not be sneaking tortured glances. it's like the wreck of a plane crash. you don't want to look, but you can't not look for the sheer horror of it. ]

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT, SHE ASKS! WHAT ARE YOU BLITHERING YOUR FLAP ABOUT, KARKAT! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO GET YOUR SENSIBILITIES OF BASIC DECENCY AND NOT BEING AN UNCOUTH BULGESUCKING SACK OF EXCREMENT IN KNOTS OVER! CERTAINLY NOT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE BARE ASS STARK FUCKING NAKED! OH NO. THAT IS PERFECTLY ORDINARY AND ACCEPTABLE SOCIAL CONDUCT. IN FACT I FEEL LIKE TEARING MY CLOTHES OFF MYSELF, IT IS SO OVERWHELMINGLY APPROPRIATE. HEY, LET'S GET GAMZEE IN HERE TOO, MAKE IT A NAKED GODDAMN DINNER PARTY! BECAUSE THAT ISN'T REVOLTING OR HORRIFYING AT ALL.

oh god trying not to grin stupidly at work, THANKS

[onblackwings]

[ oh my god this is so much more annoying than she thought it would be. Does this thing never shut up? And why did she get food for it?? ]

Oh, shut up, would you?

[ Which gives her an idea, actually! With a quick wave of two fingers and a muttered spell-- blessed quiet. Only for her, of course. The birds are still fleeing in horror, but his ranting comes at a nice low murmur for Khisanth. ]

Better.

[ And she smiles to herself, inviting herself to a seat at the edge of a rock, and proceeding to open the bag of McDonald's. Karkat can keep on shouting, if he wants. She's going to eat. ]

[crab]

Oh my god you sick, demented--! PUT CLOTHES ON!

[onblackwings]

[ She blinks, innocently, legs crossed comfortably and a fry in hand. ]

Did you say something?

[ and since he seems to be done with the rant, she'll kill the spell. for now. ]

[crab]

I said put clothes on, you evolutionary defect! I don't want to see your gross pink flesh wobbling around everywhere like some repugnant exhibition!

[onblackwings]

It's brown, not pink. [ ew pink, she just looks so offended.

buuuut whatever. She waves a hand, and the illusion of clothing springs up. All fancy black dress and giant expensive gems, because as long as it's not real, why the hell not. ]

Better?

[crab]

I cannot possibly tell you all the ways in which I do not care about the color nuances and in which that is not the fucking point! [ he is throwing his hands up in desperation- but wait

there are clothes.

HIS INNOCENCE IS SPARED. he shuts up for ten whole seconds. ]

Yes. Thank you so much for sparing my ailing retinas. [ said very, very dryly. it occurs to him now that the shock of SUDDENLY BOOBS has become less demanding of his mental faculties, that this used to be a dragon. and now it is a human. ]

... How the hell did you do that, anyway? Turn into a human.

[onblackwings]

Dragons can do a lot of things.

[ says the classy lady, enjoying her first bite of Big Mac. chew, swallow, smile. ]

I could be a troll, instead.

[crab]

[ yeah... that food does look good. didn't she hold it out to him before? he was kind of distracted at the time, but...

he is eyeing that food so hard. he starts at her second comment though. ]

What, no. No. Don't even try it, that is weird and wrong on so many levels my think pan may short out attempting to process them all.

[onblackwings]

[ She only smirks (and vows to try it later, on her own, just to see), and gestures to the bag, set on the rock beside her. ]

Come eat, before I regret my generosity.

[crab]

[ he hesitates a moment, watching her suspiciously, before conceding to clamber up beside her and reach into the bag-

-there is another burger in this bag. there is triumph here. he is sinking his fangs into it and relishing it before you can say bon appetite. ]

[onblackwings]

[ Ah, yes. There's something wonderful about crappy human food, when all you've eaten for like a month is fish, squirrels, and raccoons.

After a while of contentedly enjoying that: ] It's somewhat disappointing when it doesn't struggle on its way down, but there's still a charm to human food.

[crab]

[ khisanth's wonderful comment is timed just when karkat is about to swallow a particularly large bite, and he explodes into a litany of splutters and coughs in response. ]

What- [ cough. ] -is wrong with you?!

[onblackwings]

[ Totally nonchalantly: ] You ought to try it. It's satisfying.

[crab]

No! [ SO REVOLTED. ] Why are you so bulgebreakingly gross? No wonder you took Gamzee in.