SOLDIER BLUE (
soldieringblue) wrote in
capeandcowllogs2011-02-14 01:41 am
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WHO: Soldier Blue, resident(s) of the Mu Mu Hakusho house if they wish.
WHERE: City, sky, aforeementioned house
WHEN: late 2/12-2/13 early early morning
WARNINGS: buckets of unhappy
SUMMARY: it's enough
FORMAT: no
Enough.
Soldier Blue left the ravaged streets with slow and unsteady steps that took him skyward; there were roofs below him before he was aware that he'd begun to fly away rather quickly. The realization sent a strange wave of panic over him that stretched his mind in two directions - partly back to the scene he'd left behind and partly away, as far away as he could force his body to take him. The more he flew, the more unanimous his thoughts became and the faster he went, broadening the distance with short teleports that made him both a faster traveler and slower flier. He was bone-tired. Sick and tired. Fevered with a mounting disgust that made his blood feel thick and heavy in him, weighing him down and drawing him so near to the roofs that he nearly nicked their spires and antennas with his hands and feet.
Enough.
Logic dictated that the responsibility for what had occurred was allotted to no single party, least of all him. That fact in of itself only made him feel more at fault - where had he been?
Soldier. He'd only just recently explained his title to Baroona, but it sounded so obsolete and false. Contradictory to the freedom that was laid out before him, he was a suffocating force, bred for a world very different from the one he was racing through. He'd fought hard with the notion, arguing its value there, his value there, standing under the shadow of a self that may not have been truly himself at all. The ideal Soldier was buried in a cemetery miles away.
That was why...he'd chosen to take a step away from the role. To wear it as a reminder, yes, but to quietly recede and give his fellow Mu the very thing he dreamed they could have in their home world. The City was full of freedom and choice, chance to not simply survive, but live with humanity. Despite the setbacks that had come with his decision - the attacks, the underlying suspicions, the careful compromises that came with trying to blend in naturally - Blue had believed he was right. He though he would only be wrong to intervene too greatly with the freedom given the Mu by that City.
Then...Leo was attacked and Soldier Blue was not there.
It was a fierce punch in the gut, coming with the realization of just whose voice it was that pierced his mind at that moment. Inattentive Soldier Blue had swooped down to find his friend and comrade shot and bleeding, pierced by bullets that he could have stopped had he been there. But only if he had been unwilling to give Leo the freedom to be out in that world without him. Did that put Blue at fault? Or was it solely on Keith Anyan, the man who pulled the trigger?
Blue saw him dead, but not by his hands. Nor the hands of the one he saw it through. Jonah's mind barraged him with the colors and sounds of the end of that man, so potent as to send him reeling into utter despair, lashing out at the world as only a Mu could when emotions were so palpable to them. Blue felt those, too, reminded of the fury he'd felt in the past. But Jonah's was much more personal and he knew it.
Where had the Soldier been?
He had no clear answer to that, and that fresh fear was a spur that pushed him on, faster again. The burn of his limbs felt justified despite the hurt; he didn't know what punishment he was rightfully subject to. All he could do was push ahead, looking for his stopping place, home, or-- well. He didn't really have a home in that world, did he? Or...
Before a real decision could be made, Blue found himself nearly face to face with the building he had begun to reside in with Leo and the friends he had made in the City. The shingled roof came zooming up to him, so fast that he very well may have collided right into it had he not flickered out of that space in another sudden show of power. He reappeared in the room allotted him, still heavy with his speed, and hit the floor hard enough to knock the wind right out of him. His vision blackened for a few moments - more, maybe. He wasn't sure. But his breath drew in a hiss of pain by the time he realized that was what he was doing. It hurt. The side of his head, his chest, palms...Everything just hurt. His friends and the people he'd had the nerve to call such...always getting hurt, one way or the other. He wasn't protecting anything.
Another painful exhale preceded a loud and strangled gasp, which set his body to shuddering, which repeated it all again and again...The sound was frightening and new to his ears, and Blue gaped at his fingers as the curled against the floor as roots against the trembling of his arms. They blurred; his chest was a heavy weight and his head swam in all the things therein, and Blue felt as if he would explode.
His sobs became more human the longer it went on, and he drew his arms to himself, curling his hands around his head and digging his fingers into his hair and scalp. He forcefully muffled the sound against his arm, ashamed of it, squeezing his eyes shut to stop their part as well. Everything about it was awful, but it would not stop on his command; it had grown immune to his efforts to drown all those unhappy things in himself and keep his presence neutral and strong. Like a Soldier.
There was no fooling anyone anymore, though. He wasn't Soldier Blue anymore. It was possible he'd never been him at all, but even if he was...not anymore. And he had nothing beyond that to fall back on.
His sleeve was soaked.
WHERE: City, sky, aforeementioned house
WHEN: late 2/12-2/13 early early morning
WARNINGS: buckets of unhappy
SUMMARY: it's enough
FORMAT: no
Enough.
Soldier Blue left the ravaged streets with slow and unsteady steps that took him skyward; there were roofs below him before he was aware that he'd begun to fly away rather quickly. The realization sent a strange wave of panic over him that stretched his mind in two directions - partly back to the scene he'd left behind and partly away, as far away as he could force his body to take him. The more he flew, the more unanimous his thoughts became and the faster he went, broadening the distance with short teleports that made him both a faster traveler and slower flier. He was bone-tired. Sick and tired. Fevered with a mounting disgust that made his blood feel thick and heavy in him, weighing him down and drawing him so near to the roofs that he nearly nicked their spires and antennas with his hands and feet.
Enough.
Logic dictated that the responsibility for what had occurred was allotted to no single party, least of all him. That fact in of itself only made him feel more at fault - where had he been?
Soldier. He'd only just recently explained his title to Baroona, but it sounded so obsolete and false. Contradictory to the freedom that was laid out before him, he was a suffocating force, bred for a world very different from the one he was racing through. He'd fought hard with the notion, arguing its value there, his value there, standing under the shadow of a self that may not have been truly himself at all. The ideal Soldier was buried in a cemetery miles away.
That was why...he'd chosen to take a step away from the role. To wear it as a reminder, yes, but to quietly recede and give his fellow Mu the very thing he dreamed they could have in their home world. The City was full of freedom and choice, chance to not simply survive, but live with humanity. Despite the setbacks that had come with his decision - the attacks, the underlying suspicions, the careful compromises that came with trying to blend in naturally - Blue had believed he was right. He though he would only be wrong to intervene too greatly with the freedom given the Mu by that City.
Then...Leo was attacked and Soldier Blue was not there.
It was a fierce punch in the gut, coming with the realization of just whose voice it was that pierced his mind at that moment. Inattentive Soldier Blue had swooped down to find his friend and comrade shot and bleeding, pierced by bullets that he could have stopped had he been there. But only if he had been unwilling to give Leo the freedom to be out in that world without him. Did that put Blue at fault? Or was it solely on Keith Anyan, the man who pulled the trigger?
Blue saw him dead, but not by his hands. Nor the hands of the one he saw it through. Jonah's mind barraged him with the colors and sounds of the end of that man, so potent as to send him reeling into utter despair, lashing out at the world as only a Mu could when emotions were so palpable to them. Blue felt those, too, reminded of the fury he'd felt in the past. But Jonah's was much more personal and he knew it.
Where had the Soldier been?
He had no clear answer to that, and that fresh fear was a spur that pushed him on, faster again. The burn of his limbs felt justified despite the hurt; he didn't know what punishment he was rightfully subject to. All he could do was push ahead, looking for his stopping place, home, or-- well. He didn't really have a home in that world, did he? Or...
Before a real decision could be made, Blue found himself nearly face to face with the building he had begun to reside in with Leo and the friends he had made in the City. The shingled roof came zooming up to him, so fast that he very well may have collided right into it had he not flickered out of that space in another sudden show of power. He reappeared in the room allotted him, still heavy with his speed, and hit the floor hard enough to knock the wind right out of him. His vision blackened for a few moments - more, maybe. He wasn't sure. But his breath drew in a hiss of pain by the time he realized that was what he was doing. It hurt. The side of his head, his chest, palms...Everything just hurt. His friends and the people he'd had the nerve to call such...always getting hurt, one way or the other. He wasn't protecting anything.
Another painful exhale preceded a loud and strangled gasp, which set his body to shuddering, which repeated it all again and again...The sound was frightening and new to his ears, and Blue gaped at his fingers as the curled against the floor as roots against the trembling of his arms. They blurred; his chest was a heavy weight and his head swam in all the things therein, and Blue felt as if he would explode.
His sobs became more human the longer it went on, and he drew his arms to himself, curling his hands around his head and digging his fingers into his hair and scalp. He forcefully muffled the sound against his arm, ashamed of it, squeezing his eyes shut to stop their part as well. Everything about it was awful, but it would not stop on his command; it had grown immune to his efforts to drown all those unhappy things in himself and keep his presence neutral and strong. Like a Soldier.
There was no fooling anyone anymore, though. He wasn't Soldier Blue anymore. It was possible he'd never been him at all, but even if he was...not anymore. And he had nothing beyond that to fall back on.
His sleeve was soaked.
...his floor is now squishy with all of your weepiness, soulja
Kurama could hide everything about his movements - the sound of the door opening, the fall of his foot on the wood floor - but he couldn't hide his mind. The most he could do was keep the calm that he'd cultivated on Leo's behalf as he entered the room. It was becoming harder to conceal his worry, however. He was angry that his friends had been hurt, but the situation had been handled and there was no sense getting worked up over it. He had never met Keith Anyan, after all. He had met Matsuka, however. And Leo, and of course Soldier Blue.
What was left of the Mu's leader lay in a broken heap on the floor, and Kurama was momentarily unsure of what to do.
"Soldier Blue..."
is sparkle water easier to mop with...
'Soldier Blue...'
"No," he said, or thought (or both). Fingers started to curl around the band of his amplifiers as if to pry them off but unable to do so; he may have had no right to exile himself from them as much as he had no right to have assumed them in the first place. With no clear direction one way or the other, his hand simply stayed coiled as it was, the other draped nearby and dangling with nothing to grasp but air.
When he had realized who it was, Blue was almost as ashamed as he was already guilty. He needed to stand up and wipe the torment off his face, calmly regard the other and assure that there was no need to be concerned. His limbs wouldn't react.
"I'm-" I can't.
gdi now his floor looks like a fairy died on it
Kurama reached down and grasped Blue by the arms, lifting him from the floor and guiding him to a chair. He pressed a handkerchief in Blue's hands, gentle but firm, and went to the closet to find the Mu another shirt.
"You can come with me to see Leo."
it's a conversation piece alright 8[
Until Leo was mentioned, that is.
Blue's head lifted, eyes snapping open along the way. He looked at Kurama as if bugs started crawling out of his ears; it seemed the worst thing to suggest right then and there. His mouth closed once it'd been more than clear that he couldn't give voice to his protest in that way.
He needs... A flicker of confusion passed across his features; if Kurama was here, who was there-? But his thoughts rounded back to the problem at hand: There's enough distress in that building. It's oppressive. He doesn't need...
LIKE YOUR FACE. Kurama has enough issues with masculinity without you glittering up the place.
"Kuwabara is there, sheilding him him. You and Leo are not the only psychics who live in this house," Kurama's tone was as much a gentle rebuke as a reminder. "He and I both need a fresh change of clothes if we are going to stay there, I need to make sure everything here is in one piece, and Leo needs to know that you're safe. Conveniently, the house stands, I've packed a bag, and I've found you."
Kurama returned with...how many iterations of his outfit does Blue even have? A new black turtleneck at least. His eyes were impassive in the face of Blue's shock.
"Leo needs a friend, someone who understands what happened and what he's going through. He needs the people he loves."
In many ways, Kurama was just as merciless a bastard as Hiei. He was certainly more manipulative.
but i was born this way :(
Watching Kurama...time was moving, and time could really care less about much else than that. The encounter with Matsuka was slowly becoming past-tense - Leo was the present and imminent future.
Blue's head dropped, eyes closing. Whatever draped heavily on his shoulders had to go away. He swallowed, some kind of physical attempt to swallow everything he'd unexpectedly expelled moments prior. As always, it had to be buried. Soldier, not Soldier...Nothing outside himself changed, it seemed. Leo would still need him around.
It made him feel nauseous and tired all over again. Burying...
"I understand," he murmured.
this is why we need Kuwabara around - TESTOSTERONE, FTLOG!!!
Nodding, Kurama gave him some privacy to get ready in while he called a cab. (And while Hiei checked in on the Mu.) When the car finally came, it was...difficult to look at Blue. The Mu wasn't on the floor anymore, but he was no less broken. He'd have a lot of answering to do for this later, but for now...the Mu needed one another. Besides, if Blue was going to collapse, there were worse places for that to happen than a hospital.
There was one question that he had not asked, and had been trying not to ask...but he felt himself growing too concerned, unable to keep the thought clear of his mind.
"Jonah Matsuka...what happened to him?"
save us from our sparkly selves..
"He started to break," Blue said quietly. "He stopped."
no subject
He leans on the wall outside Blue's room, casually, calm inside and out. It's rare for Hiei to project the calm that he usually maintains inside--it's easy to be angry in the City, at least on the surface, moreso after an ally is injured. But there are plenty of people to be angry, and Leo is relatively safe, and he's had his fighting urges out with Yusuke, so Hiei can afford to be the calm in the storm.
He leans on the wall and waits, and if Blue wants to comment whenever he leaves the room he can do so.
no subject
He couldn't hope to recall how long it took him to realize Hiei was even present, calm and silent as he was, but Blue was struck with the realization as he leaned back, head settling against the wall. Surprise quickly led to confusion and guess upon second guess, but...thinking too much on it made him tired all over again, and he had no will to stimulate any kind of hostility, even the well-deserved sort. Though maybe that's what he expected, being so surprised to detect just that tranquility. It left him with no clear notion of how to respond - if he was to respond at all.
He's dead, Blue thought. The attacker...It's done.
But maybe you already knew that.
no subject
That was it, just a placid 'I hear you' noise from one mind to another. Hiei was a man of few words, after all, when it came down to it.
But his well of calm ran deep, when he chose to dip into it, and he was focused on Blue though he couldn't see him. Time passed, seconds or minutes.
You remain unsatisfied.
no subject
With the way the City worked, cheating death here and there...Keith's passing was perhaps more a problem then a solution in any sense. He hadn't even thought of that until just then.
no subject
He paused, working over some new thought.
And if the human returns I'll handle it.
In other words, he didn't want Blue to worry so much. He and Leo were part on the "people to be protected" list, whether they wanted it or not.
no subject
Demon or no, there was value and comfort in being looked out for. Someone called Soldier simply spent too much time doing the looking to ever think to allow himself the same courtesy.
I believe you.
no subject
So he spent the majority of the week sticking to the background, taking care of the household chores that no one else had time to do. It was the only way he could think of helping. No, it was more like it was the only way he knew how. If this was home there'd be a battle to fight, a king to protect, the promise of being a comrade in arms to comfort a friend; a fellow soldier. Here, those things meant nothing and not for the first time in his life, Baroona found himself searching for a purpose, or at least something to do.
He was cleaning the kitchen when he heard a loud noise from Blue's room. Tentatively, he went up stairs to investigate. He hesitated at the door, debating whether or not it was worth it. Whether it was something he should stay out of. But then there was that soft, near-quiet sound of sobbing that he knew so well, and Baroona found his hand turning the doorknob. Opening the door wide, he stood in the doorway and stated the obvious.
"You're crying."
no subject
Pushing off the ground was slow, limbs still heavily fatigued, but that too was a forced action. Once sitting upright, Blue dragged his hand across his face, still bowed low.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled.
no subject
"Why?" Pulling out a match, he lit up, finally looking at Blue when he was finished. "It's not unnatural." He breathed out smoke from between slightly parted lips. His voice was casual but something about it suggested a kind of understanding. What Blue was feeling wasn't unfamiliar to him, after all.
He watched Blue calmly for a few long minutes before motioning towards a chair or something.
"You should get up off the floor."
no subject
He remained unresponsive for a while after the suggestion was offered, gradually turning his head in the direction of the chair. He shifted, propping his elbows up on the foot of the bed to help lift himself up to his feet, slumping onto the bed after a moment. His arms slid and fell into his lap, hands dangling.
It was off the floor, at least.
no subject
He thought about what to say. That he knew what Blue was feeling? A possibility. But the truth was he could only guess. He didn't want to assume anything. Why he was this upset was clear: a friend had been hurt, and. Well. All that other stuff that Baroona really didn't understand. But having a friend get hurt? He knew about that. Wanting to protect someone? He'd been doing that before coming back here.
He didn't look at Soldier when he spoke, quietly and reserved.
"My master told me once that guilt is a useless feeling." He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and thoughtfully examines it as he continues. "'It doesn't help you or anyone around you.' He said." He put the cigarette back between his lips, falling back on the bed, arms behind his head. "If you don't like the way something's going, then change it."
no subject
There were facets of truth here and there - pieces of a bigger puzzle still not fully realized, not even completely to Blue himself, but there was a mix of conflicting emotions that came with overhearing all of that. It was natural to exchange such things between Mu, but the stigma of being among a society that wanted nothing more than to exterminate such people made it a facet to be cautious of. Different worlds had different properties, of course, but one could never be sure how safely others felt when one could hear them think and feel.
Apparently guilt was something he wasn't supposed to feel in that situation.
Blue listened without gesture or protest, mulling it over side by side with the thoughts that went with constructing it all in the first place. His head turned slightly to glimpse over his shoulder, smoke wafting upward in his peripheral before looking ahead again in another length of silence. It was his turn to take the time to try and construct a reply amid all the contradicting and uncertain thoughts weighted on him.
"I don't-" he stopped, swallowing to find a better voice. Another steadying inhale. "I don't know what it is...I have to change. To be what I have to be."
no subject
"Why do you have to be anything?"
no subject
"There's need," he murmured, then stopped, swallowing again. His words and thoughts washed back and forth, disconnecting aloud. "Back there I need to be...It's not the same anymore here, but - if I don't..."
He stopped himself again, head shaking slightly. "I don't think I have any choice...if I'm the same person they know."
no subject
But he held that in. A skill he had learned as a gladiator. A skill his master had taught him.
But that was a different story.
He sighed, a puff of smoke billowing from his mouth.
"They're your friends. They don't need you to be anyone but that to them."
no subject
At the end of the day, he didn't know how to be anything but Soldier, but even that was slipping out of his grasp, leaving bleak and desperate feelings behind.
Bleak and weak. Blue swallowed, drawing out of his thoughts again and acknowledging the human nearby. He turned his head enough to see, mouth open a moment, closing again when no reply came, exhaling. He simply nodded before looking ahead again, frowning deeply.
Maybe, he thought aloud.
no subject
He decided against it. There was no need to pry. No need to further aggravate the atmosphere.
He finishes his cigarette and takes out another, thinking. Thinking about what to say next, about what his words will do, about what memories his words will bring up. The silence stretches on, the only sound the soft exhale of smoke.
He thinks back to Blue's title, finding it odd. Even as the champion gladiator, Baroona was always referred to by his name. Not "Champion Baroona" or some other variation on the form. He thinks of asking about it. It could prove beneficial to drag the conversation away from the serious. But it could also be potentially crippling, causing Blue to seal up into his earlier mental state.
Which goes against the goal of "I want to help this guy".
Finally, a question hits him. One that should have been obvious from the start. He takes a drag on his new cigarette, staring at Blue's back.
"Do you doubt your friends that much?"
no subject
There was guilt for compelling someone on that outside to want to help, guilt for losing the strength to keep composure and even need help. Let alone incite the thought to try.
"N-" The question drew his head back, concerned. "No. Not them." He had started to turn entirely as well, but stopped, hesitant. Saying it aloud was new; it solidified doubts that could have been kept imaginary.
"Myself."
He was immediately ashamed of it, looking lost for the time it took for him to turn away again. "I'm sorry. It's enough."
no subject
"Enough of what?"
no subject
"But there are things I can't, or...shouldn't do. I'm supposed to be something...I will be something...perhaps regardless of what I feel about it. It's the something my kind know me to be. Expect it."
Blue let his hands fall away from his face. "My future self said it here in the past. I am nothing if not the device for their freedom. And...if I cannot help with that, I don't..." His head shook. "I don't know how to be anything else.
"I'm sorry. These are things...I said I would not burden anyone with."
no subject
His tone gains an annoyed edge to it.
"Then learn." The annoyance fades away, his voice turning softer and more... embarrassed? He puts out his cigarette, turning to look out the window that's somewhere in the room. "...Learn with me."
no subject
A great deal of time passed before he could think to say anything. "Alright."