http://prodigitalson.livejournal.com/ (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
prodigitalson.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
capeandcowllogs2011-08-01 07:55 pm
prodigitalson.livejournal.com) wrote in capeandcowllogs2011-08-01 07:55 pm
Entry tags:
I ask you, please don't worry, not for me
WHO: Keith Anyan (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
prodigitalson) and Jonah Matsuka (loveyourenemy)
WHERE: Eventually, somewhere in the north of the City.
WHEN: Late on Friday, July 29th.
WARNINGS: Shoujo melodrama.
SUMMARY: Keith leaves M.A.J.E.S.T.Y. in the wake of Vulcanus's announcement. Matsuka catches up with him.
FORMAT: Prose.
It's become almost part of Matsuka's routine, lately. After he's back from work, he takes Mouse for a walk, and then, from the relative security of his apartment at the top floor of Hell Towers, he reaches out telepathically in search of Keith.
Keith seems to have been managing his situation well, but with everything else that's happened since the original announcement regarding MAJESTY, Matsuka is still worried. He has plenty of reason to be.
Keith? Can you hear me?
* * *
In the wake of what he's just found out, Keith can be expected to be a little rattled. Sure enough, the returning force of his thoughts feels almost like a physical blow--not that Matsuka isn't used to those, but at least this time it's not aimed at him (hasn't been in some time).
I allowed myself to be used once more.
Guilt and shame and fury, all wound up tight. Keith's been fighting the self-loathing, because Matsuka has asked it of him, not just here but, in a way, at home as well. But it's threatening to spill back in again, now.
* * *
Matsuka shivers at the force of Keith's emotions, and for a few moments he can't say anything; he has to steady himself, burying his hands in Mouse's fur for reassurance.
Keith, he says again, more urgently, when he can manage it with something like calm. What happened? Tell me.
* * *
For a moment, all contact cuts off, as Keith tries to compose himself. He can't let Matsuka see that despair, that self-hatred daring to return. Once, he would have told himself that it was because Matsuka wasn't worthy of being allowed that close to him. Now he doesn't want to burden him with it. Of course, the result is the same: he's still keeping things bottled up, because he doesn't know a better way of dealing with them.
Fortunately, though, that only lasts a moment. Then he reestablishes contact, the force of his mind as powerful as ever, but a little calmer now. They're using all of us, Matsuka. As some of us have suspected already. But I know more now: they're killing their own people to do it.
* * *
--What? Shock and dismay resonates along the psychic connection from Matsuka. Keith, please tell me what's happened! Are you in danger? The worry he was already feeling is spiking now, and though he has no idea what he could possibly do to help if Keith's life is in danger, he'll do whatever he can to try if it's needed.
* * *
That gets a startled pause. Of course: it should have been obvious that Matsuka would first think to worry about Keith. But it wasn't. Somehow Keith hasn't entirely wrapped his head around that concept yet, after all this time. Awkward apology, along with a negation, flickers through the telepathic connection. No. No more than I always am, on their team.
Hesitation, now: he's not sure he wants to share this information, knowing how it could make Matsuka worry. But Matsuka agreed to help, and someone has to spread the word. M.A.J.E.S.T.Y. is the offspring of PROJECT: SPLENDOR, and the others on the team--those who aren't Blue Beetle and me--they're native to this world. As we suspected, what I've found confirms it. But there was another. Ronald Yorks. A young Air Force pilot. The attempt to transfer powers from one of us to him inverted his cells. He died--terribly.
The anger winds back along the connection. Whatever they are planning, it will use us all as tools and pawns. Easily sacrificed.
* * *
...horrible...
It's all Matsuka can think at first. It's hard not to try to imagine what Ronald Yorks' death must have been like, and though he soon cuts off that line of thought, the feeling of sick horror remains. This... people need to know. He leaves his worry unspoken, but it's communicated clearly all the same - he'll pass the information along to the people he's contacted before, but if he tries to make it public, MAJESTY and the power behind it is bound to know where he got it from.
* * *
It's hard to leave things unspoken when you're communicating mind-to-mind--especially considering that Keith's shields are no more. He's silent on the other end of the link for a moment, struggling with that worry.
But in the end, all he says is, Thank you. Then he cuts the link. And it remains cut, as more events unfold...
* * *
Keith-- But Keith has already withdrawn, and Matsuka is left sitting in his apartment, more worried now than ever.
At first, the only thing he can really think to do is pick up his communicator to contact Ghost - and before he's even managed to do that, the announcement from Vulcanus has gone live, and his fresh dismay at the implications keeps Matsuka busy for a while.
Eventually, though, after he's met with Ghost and spoken to Jack, Matsuka realizes something.
Keith can't simply shut him out any more.
Under any other circumstances, he wouldn't go this far. He's always tried to be careful about respecting the boundaries of others, to at least try to give people a reason to trust him in spite of his poorly-shielded power. But right now--
Nerves and worries settling into fresh determination, Matsuka extends his senses out in search of Keith again.
* * *
It's that easy. Keith can't hide anymore, not from Matsuka. Which isn't to say that he can't hide from anyone. In fact, when Matsuka finally thinks to look for him, Keith is already well away from M.A.J.E.S.T.Y. headquarters, winding through the warehouses of the upper City. His mind is boiling with guilt and fury. Mixed with it is a frighteningly familiar thread of self-destructive despair and hatred. He's not doing a very good job of thinking about his own safety right now.
* * *
That's all the reason Matsuka needs to go looking in person. It takes him some time to cover the distance, but he tracks Keith across the city with that quiet determination, until finally Keith just turns a corner around a building and Matsuka is standing there waiting for him.
"What are you going to do?" he asks quietly.
* * *
Keith wasn't expecting that. He was kind of expecting Matsuka to fret and pine and be harmless from a distance. Where he would be safe, or so Keith presumed. So when he turns and sees the Mu there, he stops in his tracks, his eyes widening slightly, slight shock radiating out from him.
On the plus side, he's not in that stupid costume with its stupid shoulderplates and cargo vest anymore. He's in jeans and a t-shirt with a backpack slung over one shoulder. It's distinctly undramatic.
Once he's recovered his composure, he doesn't bother stalling. He simply regards Matsuka flatly and says, "I'm going to find them and end this. It's the only way."
* * *
"All of Vulcanus, by yourself?" Matsuka's hands clench tightly closed at his sides as he faces Keith down. "How? You wanted to be redeemed, right? Is throwing your life away going to accomplish that?"
* * *
It used to be so much easier. Keep it all inside and push Matsuka away, as cruelly as he had to (and it was more than pushing him away, it was taking out his own self-loathing on him, and that was wrong, and it's yet another thing he needs to make up for). Now Matsuka won't let him do that, and Keith knows better than to be cruel about it. He stares at Matsuka for a long moment, his expression unreadable, but the frustration and despair pouring off him quite evident to psychic senses.
Finally, he says quietly, "There's no redemption in their team and no redemption in their prisons. Not now that I know. I can only try to fix what I was a part of."
* * *
Matsuka regards Keith quietly, some of the defiance leaving his face as he feels the full strength of what Keith is feeling. "This isn't your fault," he says, more gently. "And destroying yourself won't fix it. There are so many people who are already looking for a way to solve it. You don't have to do it alone."
* * *
"Do you think they would accept my help?" It's a rhetorical question. "Whatever Deconnick plans, she does it with Jack Bauer." It's a guess: the bulk of that conversation is encrypted. But Keith knows Bauer, knows that he'll be taking charge in one way or another. "And I don't trust her."
* * *
"So you won't even try?" Matsuka's chin lifts; the defiance is back in force. Standing up to Keith is something he's learned a little at a time, and now he's prepared to use it all, and this once to fight as dirty as he has to. "Keith... you still don't understand, do you? I won't let you do this alone."
* * *
It hurts hearing that; it hurts like having a rotten tooth yanked out. "Matsuka--!" Keith freezes in place, not sure what to say to that. He doesn't want anything he does to hurt Matsuka ever again. But he doesn't want to push him away anymore, either. A thought slips out:
I haven't earned this yet.
* * *
"Isn't that my decision too?" Matsuka demands, taking a step towards Keith with his hands still clenched into fists at his sides. "Why does it have to be about deserving? What can you accomplish on your own? Ghost has listened up to now; he'll work with you if you ask him. Isn't that why you asked me to relay to him? He's already thinking of plans."
* * *
A precarious moment. Keith turns his gaze away from Matsuka. "I was created to be more capable than most. Stronger and smarter. It's time I used those capacities to atone for what I've been involved with all my life, both home and here." A wave of shame accompanies these words: he knows he's being irrational now. He's resisting because he can, because he doesn't want to admit that it's okay to work with other people after what he's done.
* * *
No. Matsuka's not letting him get away with it this time. "If you really meant that," he challenges, "you'd find a way to add your strength to other people's, instead of wasting it by yourself because you think that's what you deserve." He takes another step towards Keith. "No matter what, I won't let you do this alone."
* * *
Matsuka! The cry escapes him mentally if not verbally, and then he's biting down, in his mind, on a torrent of fresh questions, of wondering about just why Matsuka does all this, about how he can stay with Keith after all this time. But building slowly beneath that like a wave is something else: gratitude. Keith is helplessly, selfishly glad that Matsuka has met him here.
When he speaks, though, all he says is, "I can't guarantee your safety if you come with me. I can't guarantee the safety of anyone I choose to contact. But..." A pause. "I will contact the other imPorts. I will ask if they want to help."
* * *
Matsuka lets out a breath, deflating a little in relief. He hadn't honestly been sure he'd be able to talk Keith down. "Thank you," he says, with all sincerity. "It won't be easy, but... I'm glad."
* * *
"I should be thanking you." Keith's voice is quiet, plain and humble rather than distraught and self-loathing. "But to thank me instead: that's your choice." He's looking directly at Matsuka now, hesitant and a little confused, but still determined. "I'll begin soon. And I'll begin by looking for help. I promise you this."
prodigitalson) and Jonah Matsuka (loveyourenemy)WHERE: Eventually, somewhere in the north of the City.
WHEN: Late on Friday, July 29th.
WARNINGS: Shoujo melodrama.
SUMMARY: Keith leaves M.A.J.E.S.T.Y. in the wake of Vulcanus's announcement. Matsuka catches up with him.
FORMAT: Prose.
It's become almost part of Matsuka's routine, lately. After he's back from work, he takes Mouse for a walk, and then, from the relative security of his apartment at the top floor of Hell Towers, he reaches out telepathically in search of Keith.
Keith seems to have been managing his situation well, but with everything else that's happened since the original announcement regarding MAJESTY, Matsuka is still worried. He has plenty of reason to be.
Keith? Can you hear me?
* * *
In the wake of what he's just found out, Keith can be expected to be a little rattled. Sure enough, the returning force of his thoughts feels almost like a physical blow--not that Matsuka isn't used to those, but at least this time it's not aimed at him (hasn't been in some time).
I allowed myself to be used once more.
Guilt and shame and fury, all wound up tight. Keith's been fighting the self-loathing, because Matsuka has asked it of him, not just here but, in a way, at home as well. But it's threatening to spill back in again, now.
* * *
Matsuka shivers at the force of Keith's emotions, and for a few moments he can't say anything; he has to steady himself, burying his hands in Mouse's fur for reassurance.
Keith, he says again, more urgently, when he can manage it with something like calm. What happened? Tell me.
* * *
For a moment, all contact cuts off, as Keith tries to compose himself. He can't let Matsuka see that despair, that self-hatred daring to return. Once, he would have told himself that it was because Matsuka wasn't worthy of being allowed that close to him. Now he doesn't want to burden him with it. Of course, the result is the same: he's still keeping things bottled up, because he doesn't know a better way of dealing with them.
Fortunately, though, that only lasts a moment. Then he reestablishes contact, the force of his mind as powerful as ever, but a little calmer now. They're using all of us, Matsuka. As some of us have suspected already. But I know more now: they're killing their own people to do it.
* * *
--What? Shock and dismay resonates along the psychic connection from Matsuka. Keith, please tell me what's happened! Are you in danger? The worry he was already feeling is spiking now, and though he has no idea what he could possibly do to help if Keith's life is in danger, he'll do whatever he can to try if it's needed.
* * *
That gets a startled pause. Of course: it should have been obvious that Matsuka would first think to worry about Keith. But it wasn't. Somehow Keith hasn't entirely wrapped his head around that concept yet, after all this time. Awkward apology, along with a negation, flickers through the telepathic connection. No. No more than I always am, on their team.
Hesitation, now: he's not sure he wants to share this information, knowing how it could make Matsuka worry. But Matsuka agreed to help, and someone has to spread the word. M.A.J.E.S.T.Y. is the offspring of PROJECT: SPLENDOR, and the others on the team--those who aren't Blue Beetle and me--they're native to this world. As we suspected, what I've found confirms it. But there was another. Ronald Yorks. A young Air Force pilot. The attempt to transfer powers from one of us to him inverted his cells. He died--terribly.
The anger winds back along the connection. Whatever they are planning, it will use us all as tools and pawns. Easily sacrificed.
* * *
...horrible...
It's all Matsuka can think at first. It's hard not to try to imagine what Ronald Yorks' death must have been like, and though he soon cuts off that line of thought, the feeling of sick horror remains. This... people need to know. He leaves his worry unspoken, but it's communicated clearly all the same - he'll pass the information along to the people he's contacted before, but if he tries to make it public, MAJESTY and the power behind it is bound to know where he got it from.
* * *
It's hard to leave things unspoken when you're communicating mind-to-mind--especially considering that Keith's shields are no more. He's silent on the other end of the link for a moment, struggling with that worry.
But in the end, all he says is, Thank you. Then he cuts the link. And it remains cut, as more events unfold...
* * *
Keith-- But Keith has already withdrawn, and Matsuka is left sitting in his apartment, more worried now than ever.
At first, the only thing he can really think to do is pick up his communicator to contact Ghost - and before he's even managed to do that, the announcement from Vulcanus has gone live, and his fresh dismay at the implications keeps Matsuka busy for a while.
Eventually, though, after he's met with Ghost and spoken to Jack, Matsuka realizes something.
Keith can't simply shut him out any more.
Under any other circumstances, he wouldn't go this far. He's always tried to be careful about respecting the boundaries of others, to at least try to give people a reason to trust him in spite of his poorly-shielded power. But right now--
Nerves and worries settling into fresh determination, Matsuka extends his senses out in search of Keith again.
* * *
It's that easy. Keith can't hide anymore, not from Matsuka. Which isn't to say that he can't hide from anyone. In fact, when Matsuka finally thinks to look for him, Keith is already well away from M.A.J.E.S.T.Y. headquarters, winding through the warehouses of the upper City. His mind is boiling with guilt and fury. Mixed with it is a frighteningly familiar thread of self-destructive despair and hatred. He's not doing a very good job of thinking about his own safety right now.
* * *
That's all the reason Matsuka needs to go looking in person. It takes him some time to cover the distance, but he tracks Keith across the city with that quiet determination, until finally Keith just turns a corner around a building and Matsuka is standing there waiting for him.
"What are you going to do?" he asks quietly.
* * *
Keith wasn't expecting that. He was kind of expecting Matsuka to fret and pine and be harmless from a distance. Where he would be safe, or so Keith presumed. So when he turns and sees the Mu there, he stops in his tracks, his eyes widening slightly, slight shock radiating out from him.
On the plus side, he's not in that stupid costume with its stupid shoulderplates and cargo vest anymore. He's in jeans and a t-shirt with a backpack slung over one shoulder. It's distinctly undramatic.
Once he's recovered his composure, he doesn't bother stalling. He simply regards Matsuka flatly and says, "I'm going to find them and end this. It's the only way."
* * *
"All of Vulcanus, by yourself?" Matsuka's hands clench tightly closed at his sides as he faces Keith down. "How? You wanted to be redeemed, right? Is throwing your life away going to accomplish that?"
* * *
It used to be so much easier. Keep it all inside and push Matsuka away, as cruelly as he had to (and it was more than pushing him away, it was taking out his own self-loathing on him, and that was wrong, and it's yet another thing he needs to make up for). Now Matsuka won't let him do that, and Keith knows better than to be cruel about it. He stares at Matsuka for a long moment, his expression unreadable, but the frustration and despair pouring off him quite evident to psychic senses.
Finally, he says quietly, "There's no redemption in their team and no redemption in their prisons. Not now that I know. I can only try to fix what I was a part of."
* * *
Matsuka regards Keith quietly, some of the defiance leaving his face as he feels the full strength of what Keith is feeling. "This isn't your fault," he says, more gently. "And destroying yourself won't fix it. There are so many people who are already looking for a way to solve it. You don't have to do it alone."
* * *
"Do you think they would accept my help?" It's a rhetorical question. "Whatever Deconnick plans, she does it with Jack Bauer." It's a guess: the bulk of that conversation is encrypted. But Keith knows Bauer, knows that he'll be taking charge in one way or another. "And I don't trust her."
* * *
"So you won't even try?" Matsuka's chin lifts; the defiance is back in force. Standing up to Keith is something he's learned a little at a time, and now he's prepared to use it all, and this once to fight as dirty as he has to. "Keith... you still don't understand, do you? I won't let you do this alone."
* * *
It hurts hearing that; it hurts like having a rotten tooth yanked out. "Matsuka--!" Keith freezes in place, not sure what to say to that. He doesn't want anything he does to hurt Matsuka ever again. But he doesn't want to push him away anymore, either. A thought slips out:
I haven't earned this yet.
* * *
"Isn't that my decision too?" Matsuka demands, taking a step towards Keith with his hands still clenched into fists at his sides. "Why does it have to be about deserving? What can you accomplish on your own? Ghost has listened up to now; he'll work with you if you ask him. Isn't that why you asked me to relay to him? He's already thinking of plans."
* * *
A precarious moment. Keith turns his gaze away from Matsuka. "I was created to be more capable than most. Stronger and smarter. It's time I used those capacities to atone for what I've been involved with all my life, both home and here." A wave of shame accompanies these words: he knows he's being irrational now. He's resisting because he can, because he doesn't want to admit that it's okay to work with other people after what he's done.
* * *
No. Matsuka's not letting him get away with it this time. "If you really meant that," he challenges, "you'd find a way to add your strength to other people's, instead of wasting it by yourself because you think that's what you deserve." He takes another step towards Keith. "No matter what, I won't let you do this alone."
* * *
Matsuka! The cry escapes him mentally if not verbally, and then he's biting down, in his mind, on a torrent of fresh questions, of wondering about just why Matsuka does all this, about how he can stay with Keith after all this time. But building slowly beneath that like a wave is something else: gratitude. Keith is helplessly, selfishly glad that Matsuka has met him here.
When he speaks, though, all he says is, "I can't guarantee your safety if you come with me. I can't guarantee the safety of anyone I choose to contact. But..." A pause. "I will contact the other imPorts. I will ask if they want to help."
* * *
Matsuka lets out a breath, deflating a little in relief. He hadn't honestly been sure he'd be able to talk Keith down. "Thank you," he says, with all sincerity. "It won't be easy, but... I'm glad."
* * *
"I should be thanking you." Keith's voice is quiet, plain and humble rather than distraught and self-loathing. "But to thank me instead: that's your choice." He's looking directly at Matsuka now, hesitant and a little confused, but still determined. "I'll begin soon. And I'll begin by looking for help. I promise you this."