capeandcowllogs | my life is one big identity crisis

WHO: Squall and Soldier Blue
WHERE: Some City school lot
WHEN: 8/8, just before the sun sets
WARNINGS: These men are just too pretty someone is going to scowl or dazzle your face off somehow
SUMMARY: Blue quit looking like people other people know you obviously can't deal with it
FORMAT: NO

Flying helped.

In the world he had been pulled from, flying was the byproduct of danger and necessity, never indulged outside of obligation and the role he was set in as Soldier. There was no celebration of power outside of the Shangri-La, and even that was subdued and hushed under the shadow of a government that would eradicate them on-sight.

In the City, the push and pull between native humans and those torn from their own worlds hardly dented the celebration of power and diversity. In ways, the conflict inspired greater pride. Others flew in plain sight regularly, much to Blue's amazement, and slowly learning to embrace the chance - to fly, not flee - had given rise to one of his favorite pastimes. Alone or with the company of Yusuke's grand bird Puu, rising above the swell of voices and feelings like a second thermal gave him a temporary-but-accepted feeling of peace and relief. When the contradictions and conflicts of City life threatened to suffocate, he flew, leaving his tangled thoughts weighted down on the ground.

But gravity was always waiting, and the escape was only temporary. He knew, and shame always came to greet him as his feet returned to the ground. It was the same then, descending as a slow, pale glimmer onto the vacant lot, chain-fenced and darkened. Summer left those places quiet more often than not, and it was well past closing time for the businesses nearby. There were fewer eyes to see, and even in a City full of capes and creatures, some humans still hadn't broken the habit of ignoring the sky as they went about their day.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The reassurance was enough to keep that breath of alarm from building into the full blare of fight-or-flight, but it did nothing to prevent Squall's mind from rushing along, seizing at details of what Blue said and worrying at them.

How am I supposed to not 'think loudly'? 'Things that I protect'... as if I can do that. It left him feeling horribly self-conscious, vulnerable, too aware of the weaknesses of his own heart, imagining his defenses as not much more than a cracked and brittle shell.

He gritted his teeth against the feeling of insecurity, face settling into a wary mask. "...Squall."

"Squall."

It fit too well, from where Blue stood. His mouth tugged faintly at the display that surfaced when he had explained. No. He'd make things worse, wouldn't he? It was much closer to the reaction he always expected.

He took a step away, head bowed.

"I understand." He did - to a degree. As much as a Mu could. But being naturally inclined to share emotions would always shade his perceptions of those who did not. His reassurances wouldn't fix everything; that kind of power alienated as much as it knit together.

"I don't see much than I'm offered," he explained, raising his gaze. "Because you sought to link me to that person. It's the same as if you had spoken it aloud, to me. And all the things you link to me, I hear and see. The rest...I don't seek out. I won't."

He wanted to knead all of the uneasy feelings in front of him by hand, but he could not. He let his shoulders sag a little with his breath before lifting his head. The hand that had pointed came to rest on his chest.

"But I feel the unease, too. And I understand. I hope you can believe me when I tell you I have no wish to harm you, or take anything from you. It's just my nature to see and feel things like this."

That's not what I'm worried about. The thought took shape before Squall could stop it. More and more, it wasn't fear of Blue tying his stomach into cold little knots - just the old familiar fear of being judged and found wanting.

He looked away at some point on the ground off the side, no longer able to meet Blue's eyes. "If it's just how you are," he said, voice a little above a mumble, "it's not something you can help, right?"

And that thought gave Blue a curious expression, though he spoke nothing of it. His mouth pressed into a thin line in the short silence that followed, finding no simple way of quelling that mounting unease. But then, this wasn't someone like Yusuke he was dealing with; why should it be simple?

"That's right," he confirmed. "Though I am aware of how it can make others feel. I am the one who approached, and I can leave you be without question." The corner of his mouth turned the starts of a wan smile. "But I will take the voice with me. If I ever hear it aloud..."

Squall bit down hard on the rush of almost wistful emotion that welled up in answer to that half-finished sentence. "Don't worry about it," he said. They'd agreed to go their separate ways in pursuit of their mutual goal; it wasn't as though it would be any different here, so what was the point of even thinking about the possibility of him showing up in this world?

...even if it'd be nice to think someone out there had my back...

Shut up, Squall told himself firmly.

Familiarity, that's what. Blue's brow furrowed faintly as the color of mood changed again. That, too, familiar in its own ways.

"Are you...alone here?" he asked. "In this world."

Alone. Squall let out a long, slow breath.

"...pretty much," he answered after a long silence. There was Terra, but... that was a complicated situation, and not helped by the state that his memory was in. Nobody really familiar. A few people he wouldn't mind fighting alongside, but nobody he could claim to be supporting him from a distance. Even his immediate employer had vanished, leaving him promoted but essentially on his own again. "I'm used to it."

Blue's brow wrinkled with sympathy. Being alone was a tragic and frightening thing to a Mu; he had met others who claimed to relish solitude, and in aspects that was true, but...human nature was very keen on connections. Not as deep as the links he could make, but even so. The need to be known, or simply heard was strong.

"You shouldn't have to be," he murmured, eyes downcast. But only for a moment, before flickering back up, speaking up, as well. "Though...it's better that way, sometimes. For a little while, I think. But even so. There should...be someone there to listen to you when you need it."

"Call on us any time. We'll be waiting."

Rinoa's voice in his memory this time, and with it a stab of loneliness that slid in under Squall's breastbone like a sharp, cold blade. He'd given up on insisting on being alone, but reaching out, making that kind of connection with people... it wasn't something he knew how to do any more.

"It'd be nice," he said quietly. "But it can't be helped."

"It can," Blue assured, a weak, almost apologetic smile on his face. He had imposed a great deal already, yet he felt moved to offer more. Out of sympathy? Perhaps. Or simply the understanding that came with feeling alone.

"I know your name, and you know mine. We're both strangers to this world, but we've been given means to communicate throughout. All you would need to do is call."

The offer frankly baffled Squall, and confusion creased his scarred brow. To just reach out like that - he couldn't seem to do it himself, and though he knew that other people could, he still didn't understand how.

"Why?" he asked, some of that helpless confusion creeping into his voice. Not why should I, but why would you?

The smile continued to play on his lips, finding a new light. "Why not?" he prompted in return. "You deserve to be heard and understood as much as anyone does."

my life is one big identity crisis

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