capeandcowllogs | it's a cruel cruel world to face on your own

Entry tags:

it's a cruel cruel world to face on your own

WHO: max & scathach
WHERE: scathach's dojo
WHEN: sooo backdated this is like the 10th or the 11th not long after max came back
WARNINGS: none i think!
SUMMARY: so about that finding my body thing.
FORMAT: whatever you want i'm gonna quick start

[ She'd seen Scathach's post when she backread, immediately shut it down and not watched it again. She'd been hoping - well she hadn't been thinking too clearly at the time, but when she came back she'd hoped for a little bit that it would have been someone who didn't know her who found the body, that at least she'd have been in the morgue before anyone who knew her had to identify it.

That's why she hesitates over going into the dojo, because she doesn't know how to look someone in the face who's seen her dead. But she needs to see her - wants to see her - and now that the hangover from Sunday night has faded it's time to do things that are more important. She steps forward and pushes the door open, taking a deep breath. The dojo is familiar, at least. She's been here almost every week since Christmas. In some ways it's a home away from home. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The past few weeks had been worse than when Hekate had trapped her in that dismal shadowrealm. The centuries spent fighting her way out of there had been nothing compared to fighting with herself and her inability to save the one person she cared about most in the City. Admitting she cared so much had been a trial in itself. She'd done her best to stay distant, but--Max made it impossible. The connection was too familial. Too close. She never should have let Max get attached.

But she had and she couldn't say she regretted it.

She was upstairs when she heard the door. Max's scent immediately wafted up the landing, and she stiffened for a moment, remembering the smell of her blood and the anger the dwindling bits of her last meal had let her feel. But Scathach was old. Old enough to know when she couldn't let something show, or when she should only let certain things through.

The redhead picked up her apple, half peeled, and made her way to the dojo floor. She took a bite on the way down, chewed thoughtfully when she finally saw the girl (young woman, she wasn't a kid), standing there. Alive, unbroken, no blood. Even if it doesn't show, she's struggling with what to say.]

Welcome back.

[Her voice doesn't crack even though she knows it should, knows she should be overwhelmed with emotion.]

[ It's a relief to see Scathach looking so much more normal now than she had in that video. (That had been Max's blood on her, and the thought is unsettling.) This place was a safe haven in some ways. Nothing bad had ever happened here, Scathach has always been a point of surety. It's nice to know that that remains constant, for now at least.

She walks further into the dojo, glances around a little aimlessly as she tries to think of what it is she wants to say. ]

Thank you.

And thank you for burying me.

[ For the record, that sentence goes straight to the top of the list of things she thought she would never in a million years say. ]

[The exposed flesh of the apple is already turning brown in her hand. So fragile, like so many human things. Most days it made her laugh. Today it just made her feel queasy. If she'd been able to sleep, she would much rather have passed out for a few days than deal with emotions she had to imagine. She didn't want Max to think she didn't care. She did, as much as a creature like her could. She had spent centuries perfecting the art of controlling her facial muscles, teaching herself confusion, happiness, fury, awkwardness.

Grief had been the most difficult. Mourning didn't come naturally to her.

Her brow creases slightly, she drops the arm with the apple to her side, looks down and away. Her stomach flipped.]

I couldn't just leave you there.

[Slightly more inflection added to make it seen less automatic.]

[ It wouldn't have mattered much one way or another. Max is still caught up in thinking about things she's not quite sure how to express, and a little offness in an expression would slide right past her. ]

Yeah, well -

I'm sorry it had to be you that found me. [ I'm sorry I died. That sounds so weird, she's not going to say that out loud. I died. Weirder. ]

Are we still on for Friday?

[If Scatty hadn't been so old, hadn't already seen so much--this might have been surreal. But considering everything she had been through over the past ten thousand years, this shouldn't have even been a bump. It shouldn't have even ruffled her metaphorical feathers.

But it did. Because this was Max.]

Don't be. I--[There was no way this wouldn't have sounded awful.]--I preferred that it was me.

[Because nobody else should have had to see that, least of all Ghost. At least Scathach couldn't feel. Humans (she assumed he was human) felt too much. She couldn't even imagine what the pain might have been like. Entirely too visceral.]

And if you feel up to it.

[ She nods a little seriously, because she can understand that she guesses. If it had to be someone, it might as well be me. That whole - It's amazing how uncomfortable thinking about any of this is, really. ]

Right. [ It's a little tight but she nods again with it, an assent. ]

I'm definitely up for it. Feels more like I was ported out and back in than anything, really. [ Because saying she remembers probably means questions, and questions mean coming up with a story, and she's not sure how effectively she could lie to Scathach with any more complexity than 'no, I don't remember.' She's not sure if she can even lie that much. She'd like to tell her the truth, because she's not sure who else she could actually talk to about this, but then there's Batwoman and -

Everything's so tangled. She doesn't usually feel quite as young as she does right now. ]

[She was just flashing back to Cuchulain all over again. How she'd gone to find him after her war with Aoife, how she'd seen his body broken and battered. Caught off guard, out numbered, torn to pieces. If the Warrior had ever felt anything close to heartbreak, it had been then. And now she was experiencing it again. She wanted to vomit.]

I see.

[Max was a bad liar. At least, Scathach thought so. She wouldn't have asked, probably. Even a creature as curious as her could hold her tongue in the right situation. But of course Max remembered. She'd bled out--she'd been alive, at least for a little while. She had been there for a reason. There was no way she would have gone out without purpose. The purpose was just obscured. So while Max might have felt young, Scatty felt so incredibly old. Every one of her ten thousand years was catching up with her in that moment, and it was so tiring.]

[ She shrugged a little, bird like and nervous and inadequate. There were things she wanted to say, or ask -- []

Have you ever died?

[ It wasn't what she meant to ask, really, but it worked as a starting point for now. ]

[The question makes her pause. The easy answer was no. The harder one was no, not physically. There were ways to kill immortals, especially ones like Scathach, but those ways didn't exist here, as far as she knew.

She remembers how the Joker had almost beaten her to death so long ago.]

No. I've come close, but no.

[ She's not sure what to say next, just exhales a little nervously and nods. She kind of wants to find someone who has died here. ... Mitch died, didn't he? But how weird of a conversation starter would that be? And nobody needs to help her sort out how she feels about this entire thing. ]

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. [ She kind of shrugs a little, like that takes away the confusion in her voice. ] Everyone expects ... something out of me. And I don't know what.

[Her expression stays mostly neutral, except for a slight downward turn at the corners of her lips. Feelings. She was supposed to be the expert, even if she couldn't experience them herself. She takes a few more steps forward, closing the gap, and places what she hopes is a comforting hand on Max's shoulder.]

Feel whatever you want. And if you don't feel anything at all--that's fine too.

[ She sags just a little, takes a deep breath in and out again. ]

It's all been so busy. [ An inadequate handwave. ] But I don't really want to stop. I'd rather be busy.

[Scatty knows this isn't healthy. She knows the stages of grief, knows that Max should be going through them (it's strange, she imagines, to grieve one's own death). But her dead little heart stirs, seeing her student like this. She wants to take the inevitable pain away. She knows she can. She's already touching Max, all it would take is a little concentration, just a few seconds of eating her aura, absorbing the hurt before it can even fully register, it would be delightful--

The redhead drops her hand from Max's shoulder as casually as she can.]

Then stay busy, if that's what helps.

[Bad advice, but she's having trouble thinking clearly.]

[ She nods, unaware of Scatty's thoughts or the reason behind the absence of her hand. The lack of physical contact is normal enough to her that it doesn't particularly register. ]

Yeah. Yeah, that's the plan.

Which is why I will definitely be here normal training days. And on Friday too.

[She nods, and wraps her arms around her middle as loosely and casually as she can.]

You are always welcome here.

[Scatty pauses. It isn't exactly her area of expertise, but--]

And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. If or when you're ready.

Thanks. It kind of feels like a home away from home here now. [ She glances around, takes a deep breath and nods with a faint smile. ]

Seriously, thanks. It means a lot.

[Scatty smiles in return, but doesn't show her teeth. She doesn't want to remind Max that she's in the home of a being that wasn't human.]

I'm glad you feel that way. I--like having you here.

[ Her smile gains a little more genuineness. ]

It's been - what, ten months I've been coming to you for lessons now? Since New Year's, with a few interruptions.

[It's a relief, seeing that smile shift. She had been worried that her social skills would completely crumble before it could. She gives a nod, looking more than a little pleased.]

You're one of my longest-running students.

Really? [ Huh. Wow. ] I guess the Porter must really like me then. Keeping me here with you oldtimers.

[Scatty doesn't want to say that she's thankful to the porter for that. It seems wrong.] I guess so. [She pulls something of a face.] I'm not that old. [Yes she is.]

[ Max's grin widens, just a little, and she almost laughs. ] You totally are, mom.

[For a moment, Scathach imagines that she feels the pride that wells up inside her. But she checks herself, even if she keeps smiling.] I'm going to ground you.

[ Rolling her eyes a little bit as she shrugs. ] You can't ground me, I have a job I have to be at.

I'll call you in sick. [LIKE A REAL MOM]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject