kittens getting everywhere: the film

[swordedpast]

WHO: Archer (swordedpast) and Nepeta Leijon (shipper)
WHERE: Some little street in the City.
WHEN: Pretty much now.
WARNINGS: Not that I can think of.
SUMMARY: Archer accidentally lets Nepeta see him saving a kitten. It's probably a disastrous revelation.
FORMAT: Prose to start, wherever we feel like it after that.

Today, in an alleyway off this small but moderately busy side street in the City, a stray cat is attempting to take care of her three kittens. Or rather, she was. Now she's attempting to take care of her two kittens and being vaguely puzzled about the change in number, while the third wanders off to check out the rest of the street. The little orange tabby is about two months old and is no less stupid than he was at one month, but he is bolder. And that's what has him venturing out into the street just as a big white SUV turns onto it. He sits there, blinking, at the oncoming car. What is this, anyway?

This is the story of a stupid kitten, and it would have a very sad ending, if not for the man in red passing by on the sidewalk. As the car approaches the kitten, he abruptly switches one plastic bag of groceries into his other hand to free up his right, dashes out into the street, grabs the ginger kitten in one hand, and dives back to the sidewalk.

The driver of the SUV honks angrily at this strange guy who ran out into the street for no apparent reason and continues on, oblivious to the narrowly-averted disaster.

In the aftermath, Archer looks down at the kitten in his hand, which stares hopefully up at him. He sighs. He glances around, trying to make sure there isn't anyone to see him. To his relief, there doesn't appear to be--at least, not that he can see at the moment. But the street is crowded and full of obstructions to his view. He tries not to think about that. Grimacing, he crouches to set the kitten back down. "Stupid creature. You should appreciate that you got saved."

Comments

[shipper]

I wouldn't worry about that! I bet that he's supurr grateful fur that.

[unfortunately for Archer, where there are cats Nepeta isn't too far behind. she's standing behind him, now freed from the visual obstructions that had prevented her detection before and very obviously privy to the events that just went down. her hands are shoved into her coat pockets and her smile is huge. anybody who saves kittens is pretty much an awesome person in her book.]

[swordedpast]

[He straightens up instantly. Kitten? What kitten? There is no kitten. (There's totally a kitten.) He stares down at the strange, alien girl before him.]

Don't tell me you know because you have the power to bond with animals, or something stupid like that.

[shipper]

Hee hee, nope! Although it would be purretty cool to talk with kitties. [that's what she's got Tavros for, though] I just know beclaws I've spent enough time with cats that it's purretty easy to tell how they'll react to stuff.

[basically that kitten will never leave you alone again. and neither will Nepeta, if that knowing grin is anything to go by]

[swordedpast]

"Purretty."

[He folds his arms over his chest.]

"Beclaws."

Did you really just say that? I didn't think anyone could be that embarrassing.

[Yes, he's going to be a huge jerk to a pre-teen girl, alien or not. Maybe this way she'll go away and not tell anyone about him saving the kitten. Or so he thinks.]

[shipper]

They're cute, aren't they? And I've got purrlenty more where they came from, so you should purrobably stop being embarrassed ofur something somebody else is doing.

[sorry bro, she's a little bit impervious to assholes. instead she gestures at the kitten, coat sleeve slipping over her hand a little bit]

Are you going to keep looking after him now? Beclaws I'm purretty sure he's not going to give you much of a choice.

[swordedpast]

They're terrible.

[His voice is firm.]

So is the idea of me looking after this kitten. He'll get soft, and too used to someone taking care of all his needs. It's impractical, and a pain besides.

[shipper]

Only if you keep him as a pet and nothing else! Kitties aren't dumb, they can still have an owner and keep themselves happy and full.

[her voice is equally firm. she should know, having been raised by one.]

[swordedpast]

What, are you a cat? Because that's an idiotic thing to say. Of course cats are dumb. Just like people, if you save them, they'll do stupid things because of it.

[He states this like it's an unalterable fact.]

[shipper]

No, but my lusus was! And I'm purretty sure that being loyal to the people who care about you has nothing to do with being stupid.

[oh dude don't go down this path, this is unstoppable force and immovable object territory]

[swordedpast]

[Actually, he has very good reason to not go down this path! Quite apart from the fact that this girl does not appear to want to budge from it--although that certainly helps.

So, topic change.]

Your lusus? Is that some kind of alien word for your favorite pet?

[shipper]

No way! My lusus was my guardian, the one who raised me efur since I was a wiggler. [she tilts her head a little, curious] Don't humans have that too?

[swordedpast]

...jeez, just say "parent" if that's what you mean. Your alien words will only confuse people.

[The kitten lets out a tiny, squeaky meow as if to confirm this. Probably, though, he just wants attention.]

[shipper]

Technically you're the one using alien words! Besides I'm pawsitive that Pounce isn't my parent, so I'm not going to use words that don't work.

[Nepeta raises her eyebrows slightly, waiting for Archer to do something about the kitten. go on, dude, she knows you want to]

[swordedpast]

You said that this cat raised you. That's what's required for a parent. I don't know what misinformation you've been getting--it probably said something like a parent has to give birth to you, right? It isn't true. So, your alien lusus is just a parent of another species.

--it doesn't matter, of course.

[And, in search of something else to focus on, he glares down at the kitten on the ground.]

He's a pain. Like all cats.

[A pause. And then Archer crouches quickly, scoops up the kitten, and rises once more. The little creature meows some more, in surprise this time.]

[shipper]

[she laughs, completely unfazed]

You'd be surpurrised how easily you can get attached to a pain!

[swordedpast]

You mean if he sinks his claws into me?

[shipper]

More like if he sneaks into your hive and you can't get him out.

[swordedpast]

Humans don't have hives, but if we did, I'd still throw him out.

[shipper]

But you've got hives all ofur this purrlace. And I really doubt you'd be able to keep a determined kitty out fur long, hee hee.

[swordedpast]

They're called homes. Houses, or apartments. Sheesh. Your alien lingo is not "hip," so quit it. And don't giggle after saying something like that!

[shipper]

Nope! And I'll start using diffurent words fur things when you give me some that aren't compurrletely silly.

[swordedpast]

You just made "completely" into a cat pun. I revoke your license to declare anyone else's words silly.

[shipper]

I guess that it's a good thing I don't have to listen to you, then.

[swordedpast]

...

[The obnoxiously perky cat-girl has a spine? Imagine that.]

That's true. You don't.

[The kitten squeaks out another handful of tiny mews.]

[shipper]

Nope! [she leans in a little to extend a hand to the kitten for sniffing] But you might want to listen to him fur a bit.

[swordedpast]

Why?

[But he looks down at the ginger kitten in his hand.]

He's not saying anything I can understand.

[shipper]

But he's still trying to tell you something! [she leans in curiously, listening to the mewls] I think that this time it's that he's hungry.

[swordedpast]

[He sets his bags down just so he can put his now-free hand on his hip.]

I don't have any food for him.

[Funny, those bags he just put down looked full of food.]

[shipper]

I'm purretty sure he'll find something nice in the things you've got. [she is firmly unconvinced]

[swordedpast]

You'd have me give him the food I bought to cook with? He'll eat me out of house and home. I won't stand for it.

[shipper]

If you've only got enough food to keep a teeny kitten alive then I think the purroblem is with your shopping.

[swordedpast]

[She's got him there. Onto another tactic!]

He's almost of an age to learn how to feed himself. If I interfered with that, it'd just make a mess of his maturity.

[To demonstrate, he he starts to set the kitten down, at which point the kitten starts climbing up his sleeve.]

--see?

[Archer waves the kitten-infested arm. This has no effect on the kitten.]

He's already making a huge pain of himself, just because I saved him.

[shipper]

And beclaws he knows he's safer up there then on the sidewalk! [she laughs] Cats can hunt fur themselves just fine even if you feed them; it's part of their natural instincts.

[swordedpast]

...you're as relentless as the kitten. Fine.

[He crouches, the kitten now having reached his shoulder, and starts digging through the bags.]

But you should give me your name, so I know how to blame if this creature continues its miserable existence never leaving me alone.

[shipper]

I'm purrfectly fine with that! [she laughs, triumphantly shoving her hands back into her coat pockets] My name's Nepeta.

[swordedpast]

[He scowls.]

You shouldn't look so pleased with yourself.

[He finally pulls a small tub of yogurt out of one of the bags.]

Cats eat things with milk in them, right?

I'm called Archer.

[shipper]

It's nice to meet you, Archer! [she says with a mock serious face to tease him about his admonishment] You should be ok giving that to him since he's younger, but once he gets older you shouldn't do it too often! It'll make him sick.

[swordedpast]

Ugh.

[He opens up the yogurt and sets it down--at which point the kitten promptly jumps off his shoulder, shoves his face into the yogurt, and starts licking it up.]

He's greedy. No wonder he'll get sick when he's older. Honestly, being saved has already negatively impacted his personality.

[shipper]

It's got nothing to do with his purrsonality, kitties just don't react well to lots of milk in their diet. [they need MEAT YO]

What're you going to name him, by the way? I'm supurr curious.

[swordedpast]

Name him? You're making some unwarranted assumptions.

[But he glares down at the kitten...]

He's orange. I think I'll call him Idiot.

[shipper]

That's a purretty uncreative name. [she says conversationally rather than judgementally. hey, it's his cat.]

[swordedpast]

Yes, you're right. I think he can be called "You Unbelievable Idiot," or "You" for short.

[The kitten looks up with yogurt-stained whiskers. Archer sighs in defeat.]

[shipper]

I think that I'll call him General von Mouser if it's all the same to you. [like a nickname, where the nickname is waaaay better than his real name. she crouches and gives the noble general some skritches behind his ears]

[swordedpast]

You can't make such a young kitten a general right at the start.

[...he seems at least somewhat serious.]

He'd need to work his way up through the ranks.

[shipper]

Oh, are you letting him enlist then? That's great! [she smiles, cheerful]

[swordedpast]

I--

[Oops. He now wears the face of a man who realizes he has stepped into a trap.]

I was just pointing out the flaw in your naming scheme.

[He gives the kitten, who now sits licking his lips, a surprisingly gentle nudge with one foot.]

...you're done already, idiot? You ate too fast. You'll be sick. I guess you can't help being so stupid, though.

[shipper]

[awwww yeeeeeeah, victory once more.]

I'm sure that the Purrivate will learn to pace himself as time goes by. He can only get better from here if you really think he's that dumb.

[swordedpast]

There's no limit on stupidity. Don't make assumptions like that.

[He sighs and crouches to close up the yogurt, talking to the kitten as he does so.]

You've ruined tonight's curry. I'm sure you're pleased.

[shipper]

Anybody with a full belly usually is! [especially since he's probably guaranteed a nap somewhere warm later]