capeandcowllogs | (wait, they don't love you like i love you.)

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(wait, they don't love you like i love you.)

WHO: cross (

ioudas) and lilian (

glassbox)
WHERE: in some hipster market!
WHEN: forward dated to when lenalee returns to the city and right before thanksgiving.
WARNINGS: it's cross and lilian :'D
SUMMARY: cross tries to be an adult and throw thanksgiving for danger and lenalee, but remembers he's cross and he has to learn how to cook.
FORMAT: quick!

(considering the fact that Cross spent the entire week on his floor, drunk, watching kitten cam instead of actually embracing Lenalee's bloody death in a somewhat healthy fashion. Really, he was an Exorcist and the death of comrades was a natural thing. But, this was different, this was supposed to be their liberation from having to fight. He was stripped of his powers, the cost of having a life that he had always wanted. Lenalee's death just a stark reminder that not even here, they were safe.

Plus, it was Lenalee. Even when she was a child, he had looked after her. When she ran from the Crow, he had hidden her in his coat or even used his rank to lie and say that she was running errands from her. Then, Danger had done what no one had ever done for him; actually console him about something. Of course, it was because he had actually shown her weakness. Odd how she was more human than he was, despite the fact that she wasn't human at all.

When Lenalee had returned, Cross felt himself somewhat reset to a normal. Wanting to actually celebrate (well, he had celebrated enough - but that was for another time), he actually thought that he would go and cook an actual meal. Since he took in Allen, he had been forced to be an actual adult and he had learned to cook, but Cross being Cross he had to battle last minute for Thanksgiving meal. So, there he was in some upscale supermarket paying for things on a credit card that he had in someone else's name.

Also, sangria totally counted as a protein, right?)

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[ There was a sort of irony to it, the way she'd been going through the gestures lately -- going through the gestures of being domestic, like ordinary housewife she used to imagine she'd be. It's shallow, a feeble attempt to put a metaphorical bandaid over the gaping wound in her marriage, but at least buying the groceries gives her a reason to get dressed and get out of the house.

Even like this, without her costume, she stands out from the customers around her, tall and statuesque. Her attention is on the little list in her hand. She almost doesn't see him. Almost.

When she does, something hardens in her face. Without needing to be provoked, she already feels the first trickles of temper just looking at him, just being reminded that he exists, and she can't be sure if her pulse quickens because the mere sight of him makes her angry or because she remembers the way that he kissed her.

Lil greets him in one accusing syllable: ]

You.

(Really, shopping wasn't supposed to be this hard. What was the difference between all of these things? For fucks sake, he was a scientist! He should really know the different between fresh and frozen turkeys- or what was left of them.

The moment he hears her voice, he looks up from his task in a panic. Why, why, why, could he not avoid these people? Had they worked for the Order, he would have been found in two weeks rather than four years.

He could bolt, and he really should, but maybe she would pull him to the ground in front of everybody and there'd be a huge fight (or at least he wishes). Instead, Cross pulls himself up to his full height, basket - first mistake - on the floor.)

Mistress Jeffries.

(They really can't be seen together, he gave his word to Danger and Madison, even though he thinks the worst of him.)

[ Even the way he addresses her pisses her off. It's cold somehow, distant -- a reminder of lies and rejection. Without meaning to, she practically crushes her shopping list in her hand, her grip tightening on it until the paper is unrecognizably crumbled.

Her response comes bitingly. ]

I figured maybe someone'd finally shoved y'off a cliff or somethin', seein' as you've been doin' such a damn good job of hidin' like a coward.

(He winces, not because that's the fate that might await him. But, he winces because that horrible emotion is what he caused.)

Hurling myself off a cliff would still be more comfortable than this. (It doesn't come out as cold as he wants it to be, for some odd reason being cruel over text was a lot easier than being cruel in person.

Or, he's just getting really tired of being the antagonist in all of this.)

What do you want, Lilian?

I don't know, Cross.

[ Her voice comes out sarcastic -- a way for her to try and hide the fact that she's ruffled just to see him. Maybe he hadn't felt anything for her -- maybe it had just been meaningless to him like he'd led her to believe, but it hadn't been meaningless for Lil. ]

Didn't I say somethin' like I'd beat the goddamn life outta you if I ever saw y'again?

And I assume that's what's going to happen right now?

(It hadn't been meaningless for him, either. Though he might flutter from woman to woman, each one held a distinct place in his life and memories. Short as it was and cut short by his desire to stay "loyal" to something for once.

But, the way that he says it sounds so tired, so defeated.)

At least let me finish my shopping before you do it.

[ She expected a little more fight. Or something. But in all honesty, he just sounds so exhausted. She feels a twinge of something like guilty or pity without meaning to, chased quick by annoyance. He was the one that hurt her first, wasn't he? ]

Y'ain't even worth the trouble. I got a dress and nice shoes on, an' anyway, I ain't as cruel as you are.

How fortuitous for me.

(He just wants to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. Madison might be with her, or Danger, or someone that would report this to them.)

And no, you have to work hard to be as cruel as I.

(Would that work? He just wanted to be left alone, please just leave him alone.)

[ No such luck. She's stubborn, and besides that, you know what they say about a woman scorned. ]

You're an asshole, y'know that? Y'coulda at least pretended there was some better reason other than you're a big goddamn jerk and y'got tired of me.

(his shoulders slump, finally just giving in, unable to continue being cruel to a woman that is going to die:)

I'm very sorry, Lilian. I didn't mean to lead you on.

[ She pauses, eying him suspiciously a long moment before she responds, folding her arms over her chest with that crumpled shopping list still clenched in one of her hands. ]

Jus' like that? You're sorry now?

Can we not have this conversation in front of the butcher?

(because really there are people standing in line and they're taking up people's time.)

[ Even a woman as unreasonable as Lil can see the merit in not making a huge scene in the middle of a grocery store line where people just want to get their pork chops and go home. But she isn't going to let him get away from her this time either -- not until she's had her say. So, she catches him none-too-kindly by the arm, pausing only to scoop up his shopping basket with her other hand before dragging him aside into an empty aisle. ]

Better?

(He wants to be a smartass and say no, but really what good will it do? He purses his lips, staring at her with that same expectant look; bored and completely unamused by the entire thing.)

I suppose it's not getting better.

(Okay, well maybe he couldn't quell the urge to be a dick.)

[ She shoves his basket into his arms. ]

You're gonna explain y'self t'me, Cross. I mean it. An' you bein' a jerk t'me ain't gonna get you outta it this time.

Everything that's been said has already been said. I don't see why you're dragging this out, Lilian.

(argh, this has been the longest he's been in constant contact in a particular place in such a long time. now, he remembers why he moves around so much.)

[ Firmly: ]

Tell me why. Explain it t'me.

What do you mean why? I tried to sleep with you, found out you were in love with your husband and I left. Why would I (he swallows, trying to force himself to say it) waste my time?

You're a liar.

Where did you get such a stupid notion?

Y'think I ain't ever been lied t'by a man or somethin'?

[ She puts her hands on her hips, her attention singularly focused on him. ]

I told you, y'can't get outta this by bein' an asshole t'me. I ain't lettin' you. So y'might as well tell me the truth.

(he isn't going to sell out Madison or Danger, but she's not believing him. so, what to do? he purses his lips before slumping.)

Don't know how many times I can say it's the truth. (time to bullshit, he supposes)

Look, your husband he - (does he even believe that she's loved? maybe.) has people invested in his happiness. And you're part of it.

What the hell is that even s'posta mean, he's got people invested in his happiness?

[ Her frustration is growing, becoming more evident in her voice. ]

An' why the hell's that mean you gotta suddenly be a massive sonnuva bitch?

I mean, it's not a good idea for us to see each other or even be friends.

(he says it in a curt clipped tone, but he's sort of accepted that he has to be the bad guy here.)

If it makes you feel better, yes I was lying about everything but you deserve to be with someone better than me before you die.

[ aggressively, she prods him in the chest with her index finger when she responds: ]

Y'think y'get t'decide what I deserve? Y'think that's a reason to break off our -- [ she does hesitate. ] Our friendship?

No, don't say that I'm - (a terrible friend? lately, he's been getting more and more antisocial, almost socially nervous around people from the future. plus, the fact that he was called a terrible human being, even here, sort of affected the usually thick skinned general.)

I'm sorry, but please don't look for me anymore.

[ her words come out frustrated, upset. she doesn't want it to be like this. ]

Don't do this t'me.

(he shakes his head, giving a harsh laugh; is this what loyalty is?)

It's how it has to be.

[ it's accusing when she looks at him, when she speaks -- she thinks of this as a betrayal, that much is obvious. ]

I thought we were friends. I thought we were -- somethin'.

(it's in his nature to betray, but he looks more and more uncomfortable as this goes on.)

I don't know what gave you that idea. I really just wanted in your bed.

Y'don't know what gave y'that idea? Y'don't know?

[ an elderly couple pauses at the end of the aisle. lil turns to shoot them a glare that's probably undeserved, which seems to discourage them from pursuing their salad dressing while she's there. ]

The things y'said t'me -- the things I told y'about my life. I trusted you. None a'that meant anythin' t'you?

No, it didn't.

(he says it softly, because he doesn't even believe that one. he's fucked up royally and he has no idea how to fix it. he stares at the elderly couple before looking back at her:)

That should be you and your husband.

[ when he looks back at her, she's staring at him with a pensive sort of frustration, like she doesn't even know what to do with him now, she's so angry. she's pursing her lips, eyebrows drawn together. it's only after a long moment of looking at him this way does she finally glance off, lifting a hand to quickly wipe the collecting moisture from her eyes. ]

You're both the same. Goddamn cowards. It's sick that I feel anythin' for either a'you.

(Maybe she can tell that he's lying, he's not meeting her gaze and staring at a spot behind her. He can't stand it, he can't stand to see anyone cry like she has. A part of him wants to make her fight for him, that while his hands are tied, hers are not. But, seeing what he's done to this family, it's better that everyone stays away from him.)

I tried to not let this - (a tired breath) come to this.

[ Maybe she does think he's lying. But it'd be hard to say what pisses her off more -- being lied to or being talked to that way. It's a confused sort of fury, like she isn't entirely sure what to be angry at the most, or what to do about it, or what she wants. Or maybe she does know what she wants, and she doesn't know how to cope with it.

Whatever it is, it manifests as frustration on her face, in her voice. Without fully thinking about it, she answers heatedly: ]

Stop. Just -- I don't want y'to abandon me.

Then don't let me.

(It comes out in a rush, anything just to make her stop - he can't stand seeing her like this. He gives her a small chuckle, cozying up to her in an almost affectionate way. Danger was right, he should have just told her the truth from the very beginning. Usually he would have just left her there, sobbing. But the idea that he knows that she's going to die causes something to shift in him.

Did he know that Anita would meet her end? No. It was her own headstrong nature that did that. The others? Probably lived full lives without him. But, this might be Lilian's liberation, but she deserves not to suffer like this. Right? Right?

It's funny how someone who is absolutely new to human nature has the best advice for him.)

Danger is a very good woman; not a robot or whatever she is now, but she knew that this would happen. I should have just told you the truth from the very beginning. I had asked your husband's permission to court you, but unfortunately it did not end well.

(a beat:)

I am not supposed to be seeing you.

[ There's a long moment of tense silence, as she processes what he's told to her. Everything falls into context -- her fight over the phone with Madison, Cross suddenly avoiding her, all of it. The building fury in her face falters into something a little uncertain. She isn't sure how it all came to this.

Finally, after a while, she lifts a hand to her face, giving herself a moment before she responds. ]

Y'talked t'Maddie about us? [ Something clenches tight in her chest. She hadn't told her husband everything. And he hadn't told her how much he knew. There's a feeling like fear working its way up her throat. ] And then what? Y'promised not t'see me? That's what all a'this was about?

[ An exhale. ] Oh, Cross.

(He reaches out for her arm, resisting the urge to pull her nice and close. But, he stops halfway only to uncomfortably rub his neck.)

To be honest, I asked him if I could have sex with you - but really, it was supposed to be more than that. (he quickly adds:) I told him that I had kissed you Venezuela and - I suppose that was probably the wrong way.

(for a moment, he considers being defensive, but then again he's apologizing to Madison through his wife:) The way you talked about him, I thought you were both... separated. I didn't mean to cause all of this.

[ It's a mess. And it's her fault, isn't it? As much as it's her first instinct to be defensive, to be angry about it, there's just no one else to blame this time. ]

It's complicated. [ There's a word to describe her and Madison if there ever was one. ] We were apart a long time. Things happened. But we never...

[ She trails off, pursing her lips in what almost looks like frustration. Is it fair if she says she feels emotionally separated from Madison? ]

Y'still mean somethin' t'me.

I didn't want it to be this way. (He pats her on the back like some sort of acquaintance rather than a friend, or someone that could have been a lot more.)

I gave my word, and I don't give it often. (he gives her a small smile:) Even though he hates me now, Madison helped me a lot when I first came here. It's best that we don't see each other anymore.

(he doesn't even mention that he gave his word to Danger, someone who gave up her own happiness for Madison's own - that's just something that he can't deny.)

[ Somehow, that platonic, casual touch to her back only serves to frustrate her more. She brushes it off impatiently, her head still a mess of conflicting thoughts. She doesn't know what to do -- what to say now. ]

What about me? I don't any goddamn say in this? Don't it matter what I want?

[ It would help maybe, if she knew what she wanted. ]

(The urge takes him over, he reaches over and kisses her on the cheek. Maybe if he gives her a small kiss, if she just knows that he would gladly kiss her and that she's desirable that it'll be okay.)

Come tell me what you want after you find out yourself.

(he stares at her, resisting the urge to kiss her again in the salad dressing aisle.)

Out of respect for Madison, I'm going to step out of the picture. Out of respect for you, should you want me, I will be here. (a beat:) But, I hope it's quick. I won't wait for long.

[ It breaks her heart a little, that kiss. Her breath catches in her throat. Her chest fills with a lonely sort of longing. She thinks of the men she cares for and feels regret, maybe a frustrating trickle of fear. The feeling deepens when Cross says Madison's name.

She wonders vaguely if Madison ever felt this way, when she was trying to make him hers behind Heather's back. The pressure of having to choose. Being afraid to make the wrong choice. Being uncertain which thing you want most, and if it's worth the thing you might lose. In her heart she still loves her husband -- but some days, the loneliness feels like it might kill her before going back home will.

Finally, out loud, with aggressive frustrating masking the uncertainty she feels: ]

I do want you, y'sonnova bitch. That ain't the problem, that ain't it. Y'can't do this t'me -- makin' me choose like this. You ain't got nothin' t'lose.

(He can't hear that she wants, because he wants to give her just a few months of happiness and then ultimately break her heart. But, in reality, what more could he do? If he gives her what she wants, he breaks his promise to Danger. If he doesn't give her what she wants, she's -

Well, she's stuck here. But, he sees that loneliness and he's seen it before.)

I know, but I won't break up your marriage. In the end, you're going to make that choice anyway.

("Madison has", he wants to add. Madison doesn't want to fight for her, he doesn't want her to know that, but at the same time-)

I want you, just know that. You're so beautiful that I feel that if I touch you, you'll break you're so exquisite. In Venezuela, all I wanted was to take you back up to the room and have my absolute way with you. You don't have to choose if you want to be with me, and you don't have to choose to be friends with me. But, you have to make the decision to do so.

No. Don't y'say that stuff t'me, y'heartless bastard, y'can't --

[ Her voice breaks. She backs away a step, two steps, needing to put distance between them. ]

I can't.

And I made the choice so you wouldn't have to.

(he stands like he's been accused of something, but utterly resigned because he knew that he caused this.)

I should go.

[ She folds her arms across her chest, as if this would protect her better than even her invulnerability could. Her voice is a little defensive when she finally answers: ]

Maybe y'should.

(Well, guess that was that. He grabs one thing of salad dressing before heading out. Argh, terrible.)

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(wait, they don't love you like i love you.)

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