capeandcowllogs | (no subject)

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WHO: This loser and YOU!
WHERE: At a park
WHEN: Sunday, right after she returns to the city
WARNINGS: Suffering :(
SUMMARY: Sayaka returns from the dead and hasn't the faintest clue what just happened to her
FORMAT: Tagger's choice

She isn't quite sure how she got here.

She remembers the argument and the ensuing physical fight. She remembers it happened in the first place because of an accident she had caused.

Yes, she tells herself. An accident. She didn't mean to kill that person, she really didn't! He should have dodged, he shouldn't have even moved. If only he'd listened, if only they both have listened to her, then this wouldn't have happened!

Sayaka squeezes her eyes shut and slaps her palms against the side of her face. No, she shouldn't blame them. What kind of a magical girl is she, blaming others for her shortcomings? How despicable.

But she shouldn't dwell on it, at least not right now. How did she get here from the arena all of a sudden anyway? She's heard of how people die and then reappear at the porter, but she can't remember dying. She can't even remember getting fatally wounded. In fact, the last thing she remembers is a blow to her stomach, which wasn't even that strong and isn't near fatal at all, and even if it was then she should have at least remembered the pain. Is it some sort of power the other boy had, teleporting an enemy to another location? If so, then he's a jerk.

In any case, she should hurry back; there's still one team left, and she's not entirely sure that Kyouko will leave them alive.

She dashes through streets and intersections and almost gets hit by a car or two, until she slows down and stops in the middle of a park, suddenly feeling sick to her gut. She leans against a tree bark, tired and confused and drained, and a million other things that crush her will to keep going. How could she, after all? She had failed to save anyone, she had even killed instead. Even if she does get back to the coliseum, what is she going to do? Can she even do anything worthwhile at all?

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She's a murderer. A pathetic murderer. She's not a magical girl at all.

She just stays like that for a long while, staring blankly at a spot in the grass. She has yet to realize that five days have passed, or that no one survived the games at all.

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Of course Klarion had watched the games-people were killing each other! How exciting! His excitement only faded when he saw people he cared about: Kyouko, Yuma, even that obnoxious blue-haired girl. He continued to watch the games, hoping that at least one of them would survive. No one did.

Which is why he's so shocked, surprised and happy when he sees Sayaka in the park. "You're alive!" Klarion ran over to her, grinning like an idiot. He knew people died here, and he knew they came back. But it was still odd seeing someone you watched die alive and well.

There were several things Sayaka found wrong with this picture.

One, that the witch-boy who she argued with over the network was happy to see her.

Two, that he was apparently happy she was alive.

Three, that "You're alive!" implied that she had died.

But she hadn't died. Or at least she thought she didn't, but now that she'd seen him react that way she wasn't so sure anymore. Or maybe she really was teleported somehow, like in those sci-fi anime and TV shows she watched sometimes, and no one knew what happened to her?

All these questions littered her already troubled thoughts even more. In the end, all she managed to say in response was an inarticulate and unimpressive, "Huh?"

Edited 2012-11-19 16:00 (UTC)

Huh? Was that all she could say. Here he was, happy to see her, even though they had argued and she didn't deserve him to be happy, and all she could say was 'huh'. Klarion pouted in a very grumpy and immature manner as he glared at Sayaka.

He still wasn't forgiving her for that 'huh'.

"Is that all you can say? I know that you might be in a state of shock, but surely you can say more than that!"

If Klarion could hear Sayaka's thoughts right this second, it would sound something like this: Abwuh? But... But... Bwuh uh, huh?

"What..." She tried to yank out the words from the air as best as she could. "What... happened?"

Not her best yet, but an improvement.

He rolled his eyes at her. Stupid dumb girls. They didn't know anything.

"You died. In that fight between everybody else. It's on the Internet if you want to watch."

"I... Really?"

It felt odd hearing that she actually died. She didn't feel dead, not even before she reappeared in the 'porter. The guilt and self-loathing began to gnaw at her nonetheless. So she was useless after all.

And then something else he said suddenly registered, and her general feelings of self-hate gave way to alarm.

"Internet?!"

"Yes, the Internet. That death match was broadcast for all the world to see," Klarion responded, matter-of-factly. He shrugged slightly, looking over at Sayaka.

"You fought bravely."

Crap.

She stared at him, kind of stupidly, for a few seconds as she tried to process that new information. So things could get worse than disappearing from battle—okay, dying, once she actually grew accustomed to that fact. Did they really have to show her failure to everyone? Dammit. She shouldn't have come back...

She felt like someone had just punched her. She averted her eyes. "I killed someone by accident. That isn't bravery."

"So?" Klarion responded, frowning at Sayaka. He had relatively few morals. There wasn't anything wrong with killing, especially in a situation like that.

"What else could you have done?"

It was a good thing he didn't say there wasn't anything wrong with killing outright, or she might have had attacked him and realize that she had no powers, and that would have been awkward. So instead of that, she gave him a disbelieving stare.

"Saved them, obviously!" Despite the annoyance it brought her, though, Klarion was also inadvertently distracting her from her self-loathing. "That's what I was there for in the first place!"

And then something else hit her. "Hey, wait... Are the games still even going? Or did they end already?"

Edited 2012-11-21 13:48 (UTC)

"They ended," Klarion said, with a small pause. He didn't know how to break this gently, but...

"There were no survivors."

She was about to say something stupid again. In this case, it was supposed to be "What?" Except this time she stopped before she actually said it aloud, telling herself that yes, she heard it right the first time.

Not even Kyouko? Not even that kid she fought with, the one with that weird anime hairdo?!

"Dammit..." She punched the bark of the tree beside her. "Dammit!"

Klarion paused for a moment, watching Sayaka. He wouldn't lie, he had no idea why she was doing what she did. Guilt was a concept that didn't come naturally to him. So this was simply...weird.

"Are you alright?"

"No! What is wrong with you?!"

The response came swiftly, snappily, and she said it without much thought or restraint. She was just frustrated, really frustrated, and suddenly the guilt came gnawing at her again.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Klarion snapped back, glaring at Sayaka. "I just cannot see why you are so upset about this! Alright, so you couldn't save everybody. So what? Did you honestly expect to?"

He frowned, looking over at Sayaka. "You should have been more worried about yourself."

Ugh, seriously, she wanted to strangle him right now. But she wasn't going to do that because that's not appropriate, so she settled for more screaming.

"Yes! Yes, I honestly expected to!" She was probably looking a little bit crazy now, shrieking like her life depended on it, but she couldn't stop herself. "I'm a magical girl! That's what I do! I shouldn't worry about myself; I'm supposed to put everyone else's safety before mine!"

Klarion rolled his eyes, looking at Sayaka.

"Sometimes you have to put yourself before others. That was one of those times." Honestly, was she an idiot?

Put herself before others? The horror!

"I'm not selfish!" But she looked like she was saying that more to herself than to Klarion. "Would you kill people just because someone told you to? No, wait, don't answer that. Would you kill people who didn't deserve to die?"

"It depends," Klarion calmly said, frowning as he thought. "Am I in danger? Are people that I love in danger? If so, then of course I would kill people who didn't deserve to die. I would do it for protection."

She was taken aback for a moment. Klarion had people he loved? But then she was back to screaming again.

"Well if the people you love are in danger then just kill the person responsible! These... The people in the arena, none of them were responsible at all!"

"But how could you kill the person responsible when you were trapped in the arena?" Klarion responded, raising an eyebrow at Sayaka.

She's been fretting ever since the announcement, ever since the news; she'd refused to watch any footage.

Now, she was looking for her friends, and when she came across Sayaka-

-well, she can't help it. She almost bursts into tears right then, and her voice is wobbly with relief and guilt and trying not to cry.

"Miki-san, thank goodness I've found you..."

She's not exactly the most affectionate person, being brought up as she is to conceal her emotions, but it's just too much.

Sayaka will find herself in a tight hug.

Oh.

The hug doesn't register for a good while, but when it does it takes all her strength not to cry. She doesn't deserve this, really; first Klarion looking happy to see her, then this, and from Mami nonetheless. Mami shouldn't be comforting her, not after she failed her. Not after she failed to save everyone.

"Mami-san..." That's all she could say in response, her hands remaining limp at her sides. This shouldn't be happening. No one is supposed to be happy to see her after what she's done. Not after everyone witnessed for themselves what a pathetic person she really is.

Edited 2012-11-20 07:44 (UTC)

If Sayaka starts crying, she knows she'll start crying too, and then it will be miserable all round. It takes more self-control than she knew she had not to start, actually.

She just hugs the other girl, tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Miki-san. I should have known sooner--"

The guilt is overwhelming. She's supposed to be the role model, the cool, brave senpai -- but she doesn't feel that way at all.

"I-It's not your fault."

Sayaka's thoughts don't stop there. She thinks that she should have known better than to head to the arena alone. She should have called Mami, at the very least, because surely Mami would have thought of a better plan. Or actually have a plan. She wants to tell Mami that it was her fault for not thinking things through and that Mami could not have known anything about the tournament until it was too late to save anyone.

And that she feels terribly inadequate as a magical girl, and that Mami should smile, maybe, because that doesn't mean Mami's failed as a mentor, that there's no one to blame but herself.

So many things to get off her chest, to admit and to talk about, but all she says is, "I'm sorry I failed you, Mami-san."

Edited 2012-11-20 09:40 (UTC)

She feels helpless, and her thought process is running on around the same lines; she should have known somehow. She should have paid more attention, checked on Sayaka at least (she didn't know where Kyoko was and that hurt even more).

"What...?" She pulls back a little, looking at Sayaka, and then shakes her head. "Miki-san, it's fine. You didn't- you didn't fail me."

The words don't really register. Whatever Mami says, Sayaka is bound to think it's her fault, and that Mami may be just trying to make her feel better. The effort is appreciated, anyway, though she can't find it in herself to smile just yet.

"I'm..." Pathetic, aren't I? But she holds the thought back, bottles it up inside of her and keeps it there. Sure, maybe someday it will explode, and all her pent-up emotions would destroy her, but she'll keep it in for as long as she can.

She shakes her head. "Sorry." She knows she's apologized already, but she doesn't really know what else to say.

It's a little frustrating, really. All of this misery...

No wonder why we're just fodder for the Incubators. It's so easy.

"Miki-san..."

She falters, lost for words, and then gathers herself.

"Miki-san, everything will be all right. This doesn't make you any less brave, or any less of a magical girl."

She should know. You can't save everyone, but you can try; and sometimes trying just isn't enough.

In the end, ironically - a magical girl is, still, only human.

For a while she lets herself believe Mami, allows herself to think that she is really the fearless, selfless magical girl she ought to be.

(And if she knew any better, she would have realized that Mami is saying the truth, but she doesn't not right now, not in this state. Perhaps she never will realize it.)

She forces a smile. It wavers, and it's not as bright as it usually is, but it's there. "Y-Yeah... I guess. Ha ha." She thinks it's not enough to assure Mami, though, so she adds: "I guess... I'm just a bit stressed right now..."

Roxy just so happened to stroll by when the blue-haired girl caught her attention. She had seen the killing game, but didn't really stick around long enough to see what had actually happened. There were too many people she knew, and just the thought of it made her sick.

But it wasn't hard to connect these events and figure out that Sayaka must have came back from the dead, so she approaches her cautiously.

"Hey..."

She raises her eyes and is a bit surprised to find Roxy there. Embarrassment and shame quickly follow, because Roxy isn't supposed to see her in this state, but she doesn't know what else to do except probably run away, and she doesn't even have the strength to do that right now.

"Oh. Hi, Roxy." She tries to smile but it's not as bright, not as wide as she usually wears them. She struggles to find something else to say and finally goes with, "I didn't notice you there..."

"No worries, kinda means I'm doing my job as a Rogue and everything."

She laughs awkwardly, hoping that it was at least a little funny, but it really wasn't a joke or anything truly clever. So as soon as she fell silent and there was, again, nothing to fill the void she speaks. "You feeling okay?"

It struck her as the dumbest question in history immediately after, but it was a little too late for that. Roxy leans her own weight on the tree next to Sayaka, not looking directly at her just to make sure she would feel a little more comfortable, and because she felt a little stupid for her inquiry.

Sayaka isn't really good at hiding her emotions, but she tries to anyway, managing a rather unconvincing, "Y-Yeah, I think... A bit better... Really!" and not really looking at Roxy, choosing instead to stare at a random spot on the grass.

She shouldn't be seen like this, weak and pathetic. First Klarion, and then Mami. No one else should know how much of a failure she really is. She guesses it doesn't matter, though, if her fight could be seen on the internet, anyway, but still... She had to salvage something, right?

She searches for something else to say and finds it in Roxy's earlier statement. "So... you're a Rogue, huh? What is that?"

"A title I got from a game I was gonna play back home."

Not that she wanted to play at the time, and even now she would rather stay here forever than play the game. Of course, all of this is under the assumption that her friends and family stay here as well. She glances over at Sayaka slyly, just to see if her feelings were showcased on her face because she doesn't believe that Sakaya is okay at all.

But it wasn't like her to dwell on the shitty things. There's a grin in her voice as she speaks, "I'm basically Robin Hood."

Fake it until you make it.

Prim approached her slowly, worried. She bit her lip a little, before coming up toward the woman. She didn't like seeing anyone suffering. Besides, she recognized this particular type of pain. She'd seen her it on her sister.

"Are you okay?" she knows the woman isn't. How else does one start talking about this, though?

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