capeandcowllogs | you said you were yourself

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you said you were yourself

WHO: Peter Parker and Matt Murdock
WHERE: NOHoPE
WHEN: Earlier in January, shortly after Peter's return. Visiting hours.
WARNINGS: Discussion of mental illness, hurting kids?
SUMMARY: Peter needs a few things filled in about Matt's recent breakdown.
FORMAT: Tagger's choice!

Peter was seated cross-legged at one of the tables in the visitors' lounge, flicking through a discarded magazine as he waited for Matt to arrive. Despite the show of engagement, his mind was a million miles away from 6 Tips for Painting Your Room or 50 Favorite New Uses for Old Things (although, hmm. That slow cooker recipe for pot roast did look good. With two growing mouths to feed still, maybe he should think about investing in one -- no, later.)

Peter hadn't expected Matt to give him any details of what had happened in December over the open network, but he hadn't considered what Matt did say would be so ... unsettling. A "shifting perspective," a "new point of view?" What did that mean, when it resulted in children in danger? Or was it all just a play, calculated words to make whoever was trying to pull Matt's strings think they'd gotten away with it?

That had to be what was going on. The Matt Murdock Peter had known his entire adult life would never put kids at risk in a million years. Brainwashing, mind control, drugs, a clone, all of the above: someone else had to be responsible somehow. He just needed to get Matt to open up.

Easier said than done.

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Matt's stomach was tying itself into dozens of knots as he was led by an orderly into the visiting room. He wasn't sure why he felt to apprehensive about meeting with Peter, but the feeling had taken root and was slowly winding up inside of him. If he were able to, he'd use the nervous energy for some more noble purpose, channel it and replace the stress with something that felt real and good, like punching a drug dealer in the face. But that wasn't an option anymore. God only knew when it would be again.

Instead, he's stuck with a churning stomach and an uncomfortable meeting with an old friend.

"Did you bring the Bible?"

Peter slid the little black volume across the table. "English standard version," he said. "I came this close to buying you 'Her First Bible,' but this one was cheaper." Plus that would have been on the cruel side, even by his standards.

He looked Matt up and down with a concerned eye, noting all the changes since they saw each other a mere few weeks ago. "Hate to break it to you, Matt, but these fluorescent lights do nothing for your complexion."

"Is this your way of saying I look awful?" Matt managed a small smile as he picked up the Bible and thumbed through it. It was a decent attempt to seem at ease, though he still felt a wreck on the inside he hoped it wasn't too obvious to Peter.

Peter leans back in his chair, arms crossed casually. "You've looked... better. Not that I can blame you, under the circumstances.

"How've they been treating you, anyway? Should I have cut out a few verses and snuck you in a file?"

"I get three meals a day and they've done a fair job of patching up my leg." He gestured to his knee, where Jason had shot him to incapacitate him during the scuffle at the dojo. "The staff are very kind. I'm sure their intentions are genuine."

But that didn't mean he wanted to be there. He was going stir crazy somedays, dying of ennui. And other days... other days it was like he was lost in a sea of utter remorse and despair.

"How have you been, Peter? It's been much too long."

He shifted, scuffing his feet against the linoleum. "Yeah, tell me about it. We haven't really talked since you got back, or -- or before that, really. Around the time Reilly left..."

Peter felt a burst of shameful relief that he didn't have to look Matt in the eye, because thinking about how little he'd paid attention to how one of his closest friends was doing over the past few months, even after he'd actually died and come back... well. He wasn't sure he could.

"I'm sorry, buddy. There's really no excuse."

Edited 2013-02-01 23:39 (UTC)

Matt felt his gut sink at little at the mention of Reilly. He'd forced the kid out of his mind while he'd carried out his mission, unwilling to consider how much Reilly would be disappointed if he'd been around to witness Matt's downfall. His exit had been a turning point in Matt's depression, whether he could admit it or not. He certainly didn't want to explain it all to Peter.

"Life happens. I understand." And he did, even if his voice sounded slightly bitter. It wasn't meant for Peter, it was resentment that belonged to Matt and Matt alone. "I was a little occupied myself."

Peter knew full well how little Matt liked to talk about these things, but under the circumstances he knew he had to ask.

"So I've been hearing, though not from the horse's mouth. Red, what happened? The things people have been saying ... none of that sounds remotely like you. God only knows I've been subjected to that kind of treatment often enough, but now you're here and -- seriously. What happened?"

"I went home," he answered quickly, as if that would explain away everything. "I was home for a few months. A lot happened."

"'A lot happened,'" Peter repeated, voice bland. "And then you came back and... decided to create a kid ninja cult. Okay, thanks for clearing that up. It all makes sense now."

"I lead the Hand back home, Peter." Matt's voice suddenly took a much darker tone. He felt as if the uncertainty in him were lifting, the unsure man being replaced by the cult leader once again. "And as such I was exposed to new ways of thinking."

"You -- okay, I'm sorry, I must've hit my head dealing with that carjacker last night and not even realized. Because what I thought I just heard you say is that you joined up with the criminal cult that killed your mentor and has otherwise been screwing with you for years. But I must've misheard, because that would be insane."

Oh. Right.

Edited 2013-02-06 23:02 (UTC)

"That's what some people have called it." Though when he said it all aloud like that, it really did sound off kilter. Even in his state of waffling remorse, Matt had to admit it sounded a little crazy.

"That's what almost anyone could call it, and the people who wouldn't..." Peter shook his head, still trying to absorb this new information. "Well, you're not going to make me believe you just up and decided to turn evil overlord for kicks," he continued. "I mean, I could see it from some of our mutual acquaintances, the whole 'do bad to do good' thing, but that's never been your style."

He paused, thoughts catching up with words. There had been that time, not so long ago in the grand scheme of things, even if it felt like forever... "This isn't like your Kingpin period, is it?"

Matt's jaw tightened as Peter spoke. He wanted to dismiss everything his friend had said, wave it all away because Peter hadn't been there, he had no idea what had happened or why things were the way they were. Even now, Peter didn't understand him. It was disheartening, though not altogether shocking. "This isn't anything like that. I doubt you would understand what happened. I doubt anyone would."

He raises an eyebrow, but there's sympathy in his voice. "You could try explaining enough that I have a chance to understand."

"The best way to bring about the end of the Hand was by using it myself. If someone could use the Hand as a force for good, someone who understood justice the way I do..." He trailed off, eyebrows knitting. "You can't get close to that kind of power without it changing you, Peter."

"Then why even try? What good is it to bring about the end of the Hand if it ends with you becoming the Hand? I mean, I could make all kinds of 'Dark Side of the Force' jokes here, but..." Peter rakes a hand through his hair. "Your morality isn't some sacrifice you can make for the cause."

"I had to try because I thought I was strong enough to make it work. If anyone could wield that power, I thought it would be me." Matt realized then how very pretentious that sounded, and he immediately took on a compunctious tone and expression. "I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was weak. I was corrupted. But I wanted to try, Peter. I had to try."

"With great power comes great responsibility," he sighed, shaking his head again. "So you wanted to, what? Fight your way into becoming Hand top dog, then use your newfound power to shut it down for good... Okay, I get the impulse to do what you did -- well, sort of. Well, not really, but let's say I do for the sake of argument. I still don't get where the kids come in. Especially here, where there's no Hand."

"There's corruption here, from the bottom to the very top." He thought about Bauer, Hundred, Dent. "But if we started from the bottom, with the young, we could fix things at the top."

"It's funny," Peter said, his expression suggesting otherwise, "how it sounds so reasonable when you put it that way."

"It is reasonable if you do it right. Teach the children how to use the tools they'll need and they can stop an entire generation of corruption and crime." His voice took an idealistic tone, like he truly wanted to believe his own words.

"Matt, I used to teach high school; I get how that works. I just don't think training kids to be death ninjas is exactly the solution to social ills that we're looking for." Peter pinched the bridge of his nose. As guilty as he felt even thinking the thought, the more Matt talked the more he started to wonder if the other man really did belong in NOHoPE right now.

"It's that sort of pessimistic closed-mindedness that's gotten the corruption around here out of hand." Matt just shook his head. What else could he say. His heart wasn't in the argument anymore, his great lawyerly skills couldn't be summoned any longer. He was defeated, deep down. He'd given up.

"So, I don't think it's okay to brainwash kids for a better world, and that makes me a 'closed-minded pessimist'?" Finally out of both patience and tact, Peter threw his hands in the air. "I can't even believe what I'm hearing. If this is some sort of long game you're playing, Matt, or a prank in completely terrible taste, you should probably 'fess up now. This is ridiculous."

He shook his head, dismissively. "It was never a joke. It was never a prank. It was an attempt to save them. I'm sorry you can't understand that."

"I'm sorry, too." Though not for the reasons Matt was, Peter didn't say. It was probably obvious, anyway.

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you said you were yourself

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oooh i learned a new word today

c:

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