capeandcowllogs | if i could eat your cancer, i would

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if i could eat your cancer, i would

WHO: karkat & danger.
WHERE: karkat's place.
WHEN: after this conversation.
WARNINGS: sad trolls and robots.
SUMMARY: danger broke her promise.
FORMAT: quickie.

[ danger stands outside of karkat's door for several long moments after arriving. she doesn't knock, lingering there and dwelling on the uncomfortable feeling of pressure in her chest-- a tightness she seems to have no pathological origin, no physical cause that she can place. but when she thinks about the tone of karkat's voice, what he said to her, it almost hurts. she presses her knuckles against her chest hard for a moment, willing the sensation to go away before she finally announces her presence by knocking on the door.

she has to explain. she owes him that much. ]

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[ the door swings open barely thirty seconds after she knocks -- he'd been waiting for her, texting ruka about her impending arrival, fuming about the undeniable confirmation that it had not been an accident, it had not been foul play. it had been suicide. it had been of danger's own volition.

there is a similar pain in his chest when he takes in her soft, human appearance, and those white eyes -- she can't know the significance of white eyes to someone from his stretch of reality, can she? white eyes, to him, can only mean one thing.

death. ]

Come on. [ his tone is that same, cautiously controlled one he'd used before, and he steps aside, holding the door open for her. ]

[ she lingers outside another half-beat-- because she's watching his face, being forced to rely on the senses of her body instead of mechanical sensors to read him, his body language, and it's difficult. but the moment passes without her reaching any clear, satisfactory conclusion, so she finally steps inside. her attention drifts around briefly, taking in the new environment, before it comes back to rest on karkat.

without preamble, simply: ]

It is understandable that you are upset.

[ his tenous self control wavers when she speaks -- his shoulders tighten, his teeth grind together, and when he shuts the door, it's with more force than necessary. the sound it makes when it slams into place is sharp, jarring. ]

Wow, you don't say? [ he hisses, whirling to face her. ] It's understandable to be upset when someone you consider yourself to be sort of close to, someone you might count among your best friends decides to up and off themselves for no good reason! [ his voice rises. ] Thank you, Danger, for this truly astounding revelation, it never would have occurred to me without you.

[ she doesn't interrupt him. her expression stays passive in the face of karkat's temper. she waits until he's done, even lets a few extra seconds pass before she answers, her own voice staying quiet: ]

You are my closest friend, Karkat. You are special. I was not myself then. If I had been, I would have never broken the promise I made to you. That does not take back what I've done, and I do not expect you to forgive me, but it is important that you understand I did not leave you intentionally. I would not.

[ a slight pause ]

If you doubt my strength or my honesty, then it is deserved. But I cannot allow you to doubt your importance to me.

[ her words (you are my closest friend, karkat. you are special.) catch him off guard, and the mask of anger slips for a moment, reveals something more vulnerable, mouth half open and eyes wide, before he scrambles to fix it back in place. ]

No. No. Okay, you can't spoonfeed me that rubbish. Unless you were recently possessed, you were yourself, you were every last bit of you, and every last bit of you broke your fucking promise when you decided it was high time to blow yourself up! [ like aradia, some quieter, more rational, less hurt part of him muses. and aradia had her reasons, so maybe danger had hers, too. ] You did leave me!

[ she could explain herself, maybe-- explain how irrational she'd been then, how she'd felt like a part of her mind had been ripped away from her when madison vanished. it had destroyed a part of her very hardware, disrupted her programming, her code-- what had she meant to do? fix herself, maybe, remove the error, or something worse. she can't remember it clearly.

but that seems beside the point now. as cold and calculating a machine as she is-- even in this organic body-- seeing karkat hurt makes something tighten uncomfortably inside her. he is special. he always treated her like a person. he never questioned the validity of her feelings. if anyone had been deserving of her loyalty and her friendship, it was him.

at length, answering his accusation: ]

Yes. But not because I did not love you.

[ if her words had thrown him off balance before, she might as well have ripped the floor out from underneath him with those. he balks, sucks in a sharp breath, and takes a single step back, when she says it. love. nobody but gamzee and kanaya has told him they love him, and gamzee's idea of a love confession is something more of a veiled threat -- and kanaya's, a method of self flagellation.

he's never heard it said so simply.

part of him wants to reject it, a knee-jerk response, because he doesn't deserve it, because she could take it back, because he could lose her again and this time she might not come back, there are a thousand reasons to throw it back in her face, or sidestep it, and keep shouting at her, go along as though she'd never said it.

instead of reacting the way his instincts prompt him to, though, in the end he responds with one, small word. ]

Why? [ quiet, vulnerable; he sounds very young. it isn't clear exactly what he's asking for an explanation for. ]

[ that obvious vulnerability makes her pause a moment, as if she isn't sure what to make of it-- or him, with the way he looks in that moment. she seems unsure if she's said something good or bad. love can be either, or both. she knows that.

finally, she reaches for him, folding his hands into hers. it's a learned gesture-- a human one. and while he isn't human, she finds him similar enough in some ways. similar enough that she thinks it communicates what it needs to-- reassurance, solidarity, sincerity. her grip on him is steady, strong but not forceful. her voice is steady too. ]

You have never questioned the validity of my emotions. You accept me as a living, thinking, and feeling being, despite the fact that we are different. You are my friend. [ a pause, then with a precise carefulness, as if she wants to be sure he understands her: ] And you are deserving. Perhaps more than anyone.

[ it's easier to look at her hands, holding his, than at her face. he avoids her gaze, and it's true, it is difficult to discern whether what he's hearing is inspiring a positive or negative reaction, as he listens to her talk.

if it were anyone else, he wouldn't believe her. he wouldn't be able to believe her. he hates himself so much, he can't even begin to fathom how someone else could see him as something deserving of love.

but danger doesn't lie to him. danger has never lied to him, outside one broken promise.

he trusts her.

so, it's with some hesitation that he replies, slowly, and cautiously; ]

I... love you, too, Danger. [ it's difficult for him to say, but it's sincere. he follows up, quickly-- ] But that doesn't mean I'm any less angry at you. If anything, it just makes me madder.

[ maybe it's because she's in this strange, alien body, but she's hyperaware of the way her heart swells almost painfully in her chest. she's been loved so little in her life, and sometimes only in half-measures, but she can hear it, the sincerity in his voice and it feels real. she knows it's true, that he loves her, as well as she knows numbers and figures.

she watches him a few more moments without answering-- wanting, maybe, to memorize this, to commit it to memory so that she never forgets the feeling of being loved by a friend.

then, finally, she lets go of his hands to carefully fold him against her, wrapping his smaller body in her arms protectively. she's warm and strong. ]

I am sorry, Karkat. It was not my intention to hurt you. Never.

[ he tenses, instinctively, when she wraps her arms around him -- he's always been wary of physical contact, particularly when it involves being held by someone else -- but he doesn't push her away, either.

after a few moments of awkward stillness, he brings his arms up, and reciprocates her embrace. his next words come out muffled against her chest. ]

So why did you do it?

[ she tightens her grip on him, just slightly. she feels hyperaware of how he seems so small and fragile against her taller frame. when she answers, her voice comes low, private, as if what she says is meant for karkat and only karkat. ]

When Madison was removed from this universe, a literal piece of me-- the hardware that connected our minds-- began to malfunction. It was as if a void had suddenly opened inside my head. I suffered a processing error, and I irrationally attempted to physically rectify it.

[ a beat. then, almost reluctantly, and in a plainer way, with all the technical words stripped aside: ]

Also, I felt a great despair.

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if i could eat your cancer, i would

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