Need a hand? Well just you wait

[out_of_time]

WHO: Jack Bauer and the Amazing Spider-Man
WHERE: Fort Tryon Park, Manhattan
WHEN: Backdated to Saturday night
WARNINGS: Violence and arachnid puns
SUMMARY: Man-eating spiders are on the loose in the City, and Jack's unarmed. He's not happy with this combination.
FORMAT: Quicklog

[There were times Jack absolutely loathed the conditions attached to his release from NOHoPE into D.O.I. custody. Getting back from an alternate universe and having to spend hours giving a painstaking account of his whereabouts and activities was one. Another was hearing screams from a park the next damn day, finding giant spiders spinning webs in the trees, and not having a sidearm on hand to engage them with. As a dangerous ex-fugitive, Jack was barred from access to lethal weaponry, which left him with nothing but his cell phone and his frustration.]

What do you mean the police are chasing wildebeest on Broadway? I am a federal agent and this is an emergency situation, I have reasons to believe there are civilians in jeopardy. I need immediate backup at- Hello?

[Jack scowled at the phone. Its connection had just cut out. Whatever was happening in the City was absolutely jamming the lines for emergency calls. Jack had seen some of it himself, vines slithering out of the pavement to wrap around buildings, monkeys swinging from lamp posts. Right now though, the park took priority. The park, and those damn spiders up above.]

Comments

[incywincyhero]

From Planet of the Ape-fish straight to George of the Jungle, I swear...

[Spider-Man's early evening patrol had been quiet enough, until the vines burst out of nowhere and wrapped themselves around every building in sight. One had snagged his ill-timed web-line and he'd faceplanted straight into the nearest greenery-covered facade. Peter Parker would have some interesting facial bruises to explain tomorrow. For tonight, Spidey had shaken off his embarrassment and plunged back into the fray. So far he'd corralled a pack of hyenas in an evacuated Starbucks, helped a jogger rescue her dog from quicksand and narrowly dodged a probably poisonous flower barb aimed at a place no barb should ever be.

The same screams that attracted Jack's attention now snagged his, and he arrives in the park only moments behind the other man.]

Out of curiosity, have you never heard of a day off? What seems to be the prob -- oh. Damn.

[Why did it have to be giant spiders?]

[out_of_time]

I just had five months off, Spider-Man. Good to see you, though.

[Jack looked up at the nearest trees. Webs stretched like clouds between their branches, thick and white, and many-jointed legs could be seen moving within.]

I think they've caught someone. And I don't have a weapon.

[incywincyhero]

And I can't decide what joke to start with. What're we gonna do?!

[With that, he leaps up into the trees, fists at the ready. Somehow he doesn't think webbing's going to do the most immediate good, here.]

Anyone bipedal up here? Make some noise if you can.

[out_of_time]

[Muffled sounds of 'Mmmph! Mmmph!' respond to Spider-Man's call. Looks like some poor old lady has already been wrapped up in sticky strands as a monster's treat. And here comes the monster in question, slowly descending toward Spider-Man, squarely between him and the civilian.

Jack desperately wishes he had a gun. As it is, all he can do is start looking for a good, throwable rock, and yell a pointless warning.]

Watch out, one of them's coming towards you!

[incywincyhero]

Yeah, thanks, I don't need eight eyes to figure that out. [To the spider:] Hey, how about you put that nice lady down? She's barely even an appetizer for a big fella like you -- wait, I don't wanna assume. Lady-fella? Or is "fella" already feminine by default, 'cause of the suffix and all? What I'm trying to say is, whatever your gender identification is I completely respect -- ah!

[The spider lunges, but Spidey skitters sideways around the trunk and aims his web-shooters around either side to web the beast in place. Then he bounds up to the woman in the trap and starts tugging the silky strands loose.]

Ma'am, I'll have you out in just a jiffy, as soon as I -- ngh! break these webs... Boy, I wonder if this is how the Rhino feels.

[He's only gotten her halfway out before the spider's slipped its own bonds and crawls back towards them, mandibles chittering.]

Hey, Captain Obvious! If you could manage a little cover anytime in the next, oh, I don't want to be demanding or anything -- let's say five seconds?

[out_of_time]

[Jack absolutely cannot believe how much Spider-Man manages to keep talking. How is this guy still alive?

At any rate he's found a decent-sized rock on the ground. Winding his arm back, he pitches it up into the tree. It cracks past a few twigs before striking the spider in the middle of its compound eyes. The arachnid chitters again and scurries backward, further up into the tree. The rock falls back to earth, and Jack picks it back up for another go if necessary.

Then he sees a shadow advancing on him from out of the gloom, creeping low over the ground. A shadow with eight legs.]

Spider-Man, I've got one of them headed towards me!

[incywincyhero]

[Like a streak of light, Spidey arrives just in time -- swooping down from the tree to deposit his passenger next to Jack, then bounding forwards to lay a haymaker right in what passes for the spider's schnoz.]

This is for your own good, you know. Tough guy like Jack, he'd just give you indigestion. [He ducks under the gaping mandibles.] Now, now, don't get any ideas! I promise, you wouldn't like the taste of me either. Besides, isn't that cannibalism?

[He catches under the abdomen and heaves, tossing the monster right in the air. It flies back a good thirty feet and fetches up hard against the base of a sturdy oak, then lies there, stunned. He webs it fast before it can recover, and turns back to Jack and the civilian, dusting off his hands.]

Ma'am, are you all right? Jack? I don't want to scare you, but we should probably get going before more of these guys show up.

[As if his words were a cue, more chittering from the trees overhead.]

[out_of_time]

Yeah, we should. My car's this way, come on!

[Jack throws his rock at the nearest spider. Then he picks up the dazed and muttering rescuee in his arms, ignoring the sticky web strands still clinging to her. He talks to her as he starts running.]

Ma'am, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent, I'm taking you to a hospital. You're going to be all right. Spider-Man, keep us covered until we get to the car!