capeandcowllogs | let's make the most of the night

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let's make the most of the night

WHO: stuckhome residents and their guests
WHERE: Stuckhome
WHEN: 11/13, starting at 7pm
WARNINGS: discussion of suicide
SUMMARY: on this day one year ago, three girls died in an arena together. tonight, they hold a dinner party.
FORMAT: mingle

[ kanaya hadn't bothered mentioning why she called this gathering to most of the people here, and was evasive with anyone who saw through it, but she put her all into it. the house is spotless by the time the guests start arriving, everything in readiness for a quiet night with friends. ]

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[ once she's done and she's settled back into her chair, kanaya visibly deflates. who would have thought being honest would be so draining? she hoped it might be like a weight off her chest, but she doesn't feel lighter as much as light-headed. rose's hand in hers helps, reminds her that it's okay and she doesn't have to do it all alone.

she gives it a squeeze back before placing it on her knee, leaning over to rest her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. ]

It was very moving.

[The speech. She squeezes Kanaya's hand and turns to kiss her head, nosing into her hair just for a moment. For a moment, she's quiet - keen to just let Kanaya settle for a moment and digest the weight of her speech.

She smiles a small smile.]

[ kanaya just takes a deep breath, trying to catch up as much to what she's said as everyone else. but she feels relaxed in a way she didn't really expect to. even with the worst having been said, she's at a place where she's strangely comfortable. ]

That was the idea, I suppose. To give you all an idea of just how important you are to me. It really can't be overstated.

Very true.

[Last year, Rose thinks it might have been very hard for Kanaya to be this open and honest with the people she cares about. She thinks there might have been a lot of sulking and avoidance and overall embarrassment about the things going on in her life.

Rose gets it. She often felt the same away about her own problems. She still does. However: ]

I'm very proud of you, Kanaya.

[ it's still hard, incredibly hard. not quite as much with rose, but rose isn't the extent of her audience tonight. she spent weeks preparing for this tonight.

but she does manage a modest smile. ] I'm just...tired of holding it all in. Tired of it only coming out in ways that make things worse. All of you deserve me to be better than that.

[Kanaya's words strike an unpleasant cord in her. But Rose pushes it down - now isn't the time for guilt. Now is the time to make sure Kanaya is alright. ]

You deserve some relief, Kanaya. Some stability.

And I do have some semblance of that now. More than I've had in...longer than I can remember. [ back on the meteor maybe? but most of that didn't feel as stable as it looked, it was just easier to look as though it was. all the way back before the game, maybe? she's not sure that she really remembers how that was anymore, that maybe the nostalgia of better days has colored it differently. ]

But I need to be able to provide that as well. Relief, stability. I haven't been very good for either lately.

It isn't your fault - this place doesn't always make it easy on any of us.

[The mortal threats aren't much help, Rose imagines.

Lightly: ]

Perhaps we ought to enforce that we all sit down one night of the week and get everything off our chests. Make ourselves as honest as we can all be with one another, instead of holding back - offer support where we can.

[It sounds to hypocritical to her own ears. ]

That...may be prudent. Even when I do offer honesty, it's often too late, after a problem has arisen already. I can see the wisdom in gaining a fresh perspective earlier in the situation's development.

[ because she does still believe rose to be the smartest person she knows, but she also knows there's something not being said. maybe it's her way of working up to it. ]

...Or myself offering that same sense of perspective, of course.

[Too close to home, she thinks. Time to steer. ]

I think it's something you will get better at - the timing of your honesty, I mean. No one will deny that you're kind, Kanaya. We can't always say the right things at the right time.

[No one could ever say that Kanaya doesn't care. ]

But we can try. Together.

[ kanaya presses a fist to her lips thoughtfully, she can think of a number of people who would deny that she's kind, and they'd probably be right to. rose would at least never consider her nice, but kind surprises her.

she thinks she could live with it. ]

Trying is the absolute minimum, if we couldn't manage that, we'd simply be lazy. But I think we can do better together than separately.

It's the logic of things.

[Packs survive together, not apart. No one's emotional well-being has benefited from secrets, lies and distance. ]

We might have to bribe Karkat at first.

You think we'd need an empathetic intermediary to ensure our honesty?

[ it's an uncomfortable thought, all things considered. a year ago they were both so shut off that they might have needed it, but kanaya wants to believe they've gotten better since. that's the point of the entire evening, isn't it?

plus, she doesn't want to think of what the potential quadrant implications a move like that would have. does her matespritship need an auspistice? are they having problems rose isn't telling her? is that what she's been hiding? ]

I think he would benefit the most out of talking about his feelings candidly.

[But - that too. Rose won't deny that. If anyone's equipped to call them out on untruths to their feelings, it's Karkat. Karkat is a prime example of someone with no brain to mouth filter.

She reaches for a glass of water. ]

That's all.

[ she's a little unsure of that, she can't help but feel it would make him a third wheel. either way, it would be awkward. but recent experience has proven that he's someone she needs to be more open with, as well.

one of her goals tonight was to make him understand what had gotten her where she was last year, instead of just burying it under guilt, both his and hers. ]

There are ways to get Karkat to talk about his feelings, you just need to know how he works.

[ unfortunately, it comes back to that guilt, and sometimes takes an emotional breakdown. ]

But none of us have the gift of being candid, we've built our walls to guard ourselves. And sometimes that protection can be valid, while on others it prevents entry from those who we most need to inhabit those areas of our heart.

What's important is discerning where that line is drawn.

[Knowing where the line needs to be drawn isn't something she's consciously had to think about, before. She's quiet for a long moment; nods in agreement while glancing at Karkat and then turns back to Kanaya with furrowed brows. ]

Sometimes it's to protect others, too.

[ she shakes her head. ]

Those others rarely need the protection we think, and often it can be a disservice that we treat them as incapable of handling the consequences of our honesty. And, instead, some burden only we can bear.

[ she's more thinking of herself in this case than whatever rose isn't saying, but if it does come from the same thought process, well. this must be what she'd done to rose for so long before, what it feels like from the other side. ]

Mmm. True.

[She's silent for a long moment, after that. She takes another gulp of water and then reaches forwards to place the glass on the table. With furrowed brows, she traces her thumb over Kanaya's knuckles idly.

After a moment, she turns to her and gives her a tired smile. ] I think I might start to clear up. The kitchen might give you some grief later, if not.

[Not her most graceful attempt at escape, really. ]

[ kanaya looks up at her with a sad sort of surprise. that's about the only confirmation she needs.

well, turnabout is fair play, but she's more invested in rose's self preservation than her own. she'll have to get to the bottom of this, rose deserves to have her watching, paying attention. she gives rose's hand a squeeze before loosening her grip, letting it go if it intends to go. ]

A-alright. I'll be in once I've served everyone dessert.

[She lets it go. She doesn't bother to excuse herself to the rest of the table - instead she leans down to peck Kanaya on the cheek and then very quietly, backs her way towards the kitchen.

On her own, she lets out a shaky exhale and fills the sink. She needs time to think, but she doesn't really want to think. Thinking takes her to secrets and secrets take her to Norman and the mask carefully tucked away in the gym bag under her bed.

Not tonight, she thinks. But she's going to have to tell Kanaya eventually. But not tonight - tonight isn't about Rose and her problems. Tonight is about all these people who Kanaya has reached out to. Right now is making sure the kitchen is utterly immaculate so that no one has to do the cleaning up in the morning.

Tomorrow, maybe. Or the day after. Or maybe when she finds the right push. ]

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let's make the most of the night

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