no, I’ll never understand the things you could never say

[withamask]

WHO: Kate and Renee
WHERE: Kate's apartment
WHEN: December 3
WARNINGS: Discussions of violence and death
SUMMARY: Kate and Renee finally talk about #feelings
FORMAT: Tagger's choice!



[ Even while a part of her doubts the prudence of visiting Kate in person, Renee doesn't have time to second guess her choice now.

She considers bringing over dinner or drinks to ease the tension but decides against it. The last thing she wants is to give the wrong impression. Perhaps tonight will only end in another argument; however, she's already waited too long. They need to talk. She can't leave Kate alone like this. Not again.

Besides, she has questions that need to be answered.

A half hour after their conversation, Renee reaches the apartment. With a knock on the door, she stands in contemplative silence. ]

Comments

[gevurah]

She washes her face, puts on a proper pair of pants and a shirt, and steels herself for the oncoming talk. Knowing them, but not knowing what Renee might have to say, the chances either of them will snap first at each other is alarmingly high. It's been a constant since Renee's return to the City, yet it also forces Kate to hang her head with shame at the thought.

Schnitzel rises from her bed in a corner, eyeing the door quietly with bright curiousity and caution. Kate steps past her legs and toward the door, pausing a split-second and taking in a breath before she pulls the door open after unlocking it. Her features weary, but surprisingly better looking in a few days.

"You came," she breathes, quiet.

[withamask]

Similarly, Renee also looks relatively refreshed, which belies how she actually feels. Hands in her pockets, she stares at Kate for a moment before nodding.

"Yeah. Is Nill asleep?" Her voice is low. Renee doesn't want to inadvertently wake her.

[gevurah]

"Yeah, but her door's closed so it should be fine." Unless her fears about a loud and heated argument are about to come true, then she'll rethink it.

She shuts the door and pushes the locks in (there an additional couple that have clearly been installed in the past year; the windows also seeing some work to maintain both privacy and security). Her hand remains on the doorknob, peering over her shoulder to glimpse Renee.

"You want anything to drink?"

[withamask]

Yes. But she shouldn't.

"No thanks," Renee states after she enters. She stands there, near the door. In the discomfort and tension that always seems to permeate the atmosphere between them.

[gevurah]

It's suffocating and there's a part of her heavily regretting to agreeing to this meeting. It's useless; false hope is not something she should be clinging to, especially regarding Renee. It's a sharp knife to her side to remind herself they once loved each other and still had been too poisonous. It didn't work a decade ago, it didn't work several, or last year. Maybe they have nothing left to work on.

Renee's declination leaves Kate without much to do. She moves toward the kitchen space anyway, placing herself by the counter beside the refrigerator. The edge of her hip presses against the edge of it as she leans toward it for support, arms hugging herself lightly.

"Where do we go from here?"

[withamask]

Damn. That's the one question that may not have an answer. She exhales softly, gaze falling to the floor. Where should she even begin? Ultimately, Renee responds with a question of her own.

"When did you start?" Taking up the mantle. Becoming Batwoman.

i like how this came up in two games

[gevurah]

She breathes a quiet sigh, letting her arms fall back so her palms are laid flat against the counter's surface behind her. Her head slowly tilts upwards, staring at the light bulb hanging above the kitchen and noting its occasional struggle to stay luminescent.

When?

Was it when she beat down the very idea of victimization several years ago? Or when it was Batman appeared before her and she had barely made out his features and realized it could have been anything underneath that mask. Or perhaps it was the light that shone in the bleak sky and how it never wavered and weathered whatever Gotham threw at it.

It's the distant sound of gunshots and screaming that draw her to her answer. The air thick with blood; a room drowning in the very same red.

"When my mother was murdered and I lost Beth."

cries sorry kate...

[withamask]

At those words, Renee looks up with a furrowed brow. Her hands withdraw from her pockets to fall at her sides, and she finally moves from her position, but only a bit. One step in Kate's direction.

"Kate, I..."

[gevurah]

She manages not to withdraw within herself, but she doesn't look over at Renee yet. There's not a day that goes by she doesn't think about the murder and Beth and how at her very core it honestly frightens her that Dent had done her in in a similar fashion.

Bullet to the head. That's all it took.

"The Academy didn't work out." She couldn't lie to Colonel Reyes. She couldn't spit in the face of everything she worked hard to uphold, everything her parents taught her. "We met not long after my discharge, remember?" Innocent days, she misses them sometimes.

"And you were right then, too. I didn't know what I was doing or who I wanted to be and then it clicked."

[withamask]

As she listens, she nods absently at the question. Even as she gains more insight, she doesn't know quite what to say yet. She opts for silence, allowing Kate to continue until she's finished.

[gevurah]

"The rest is history," she finishes for now. She doesn't want to talk about Vic Sage or Intergang or the Crime Bible. She doesn't want to get into those details and guilt Renee over something she hasn't experienced despite Kate feeling inappropriately slighted by it. It's not fair.

"But now I'm back at square one."

[withamask]

There are countless emotions that impact her in that moment, additional inquiries that threaten to spill from her lips. However, for now, Renee can't bring herself to ask any more.

Her shoulders slump, and her eyes again drift to the ground. There's a lingering pause before she speaks. "I'm sorry," she offers quietly. "That bastard, I never—" Renee stops and reconsiders her words, as her fists clench tightly. She doesn't want her ire toward Dent to overpower this conversation.

"I never wanted you to be hurt."

[gevurah]

"It wasn't Dent." There's a sudden admission of guilt that wasn't quite there earlier. It hadn't really been Harvey Dent or Two-Face, in spite of their ongoing personal war and the vitriol that spilled into her life, hurting Renee, Nill, Helena —

Hell, she ruined her friendships with Carol and Dick because of it.

An arm extends forward and she stares into her palm, staring at an invisible stain she can't wash off no matter what she does.

"It wasn't you," she says, controlling her voice. "It was me. I thought it was never going to end. He hurt you, Matt, and he could have hurt Nill. In our home." There's a surge of anger in those words, unable to restrain herself. "I was going to kill him."

[withamask]

Glancing up, Renee's eyes widen slightly at the revelation. She's reminded of her conversation with Benny, during the days of No Man's Land. His disillusionment with what happened during his service. Different circumstances, but a similar sense of contrition.

She recalls the moment she found Dent, covered in blood. Kate's blood. That mild remorse on his expression, which only angered Renee more because what little guilt he did feel wasn't for the murder.

Her fingers clenched around her pistol, hands nearly trembling from the force of her wrath. The temptation to pull the trigger — to make him pay for everything — was strong. She wouldn't have, even without her partner's intervention, but she was close.

The initial surprise fades, and Renee's countenance doesn't reflect judgment. Rather, a quiet and somber understanding.

[gevurah]

Kate's uncertain if that pacifies her continuous wrestling with a moral dilemma: the Batman rule. No matter what the circumstances are, she's not supposed to lose control of herself, she's not supposed to play both judge and executioner because someone got under her skin.

The worst of it is that it had to have been him. She tries to tell herself he's not worth it, but he's the only one who's made her life hell here. There's no one she hates more than Harvey fucking Dent.

"Say something," she quietly pleads, her shoulders tightening as the silence lingers between the two.

[withamask]

A wave of exhaustion washes over her. She approaches Kate with slow steps, finally closing the distance between them. Tentatively, she reaches for Kate's hand with one of her own.

"That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human."

[gevurah]

For once, she doesn't pull back from Renee or leer at her for daring to comfort her in a time of need. With a shaky breath she accepts Renee's hand, holding on firmly enough not to seem too desperate in her eyes, but enough so she doesn't slip from her like she always does.

"No —" she shakes her head quickly "— I had intent. I wanted to... I really did. I thought I could keep everyone safe." She shuts her eyes, gnawing on her bottom lip. "I was a second away from it; snapping his neck. I was this close. Then I heard my family telling me not to."

So, she did.

[withamask]

A sharp, sudden realization hits her when Kate accepts the gesture of comfort; this is the first time they've touched here like this, spoken without pride or resentment in the way. There's a strange, nostalgic pang dwelling in her chest, but Renee ignores that ache to focus on her.

"But you stopped," she reaffirms, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. That was the important distinction. She had intent, yes. However, there was no joy in what she almost did. And when the time ultimately came...

"You stopped."

[gevurah]

It's cost her so much, it feels like. Is it worth it? It remains to be seen.

"I thought I was done with my father, but I didn't want to disappoint him or my mother." Or Beth. Sparing Dent because she hadn't been able to save Beth on the plane.

None if it's fair.

As she swallows, a lump situates itself in the middle of her throat.

"I'm sorry."

[withamask]

"It's okay." Not quite the truth, she knows (she has her own guilt to carry; it's a burden that never completely wanes), but her words are sincere. Her other hand moves from her side to grasp Kate's as well.

[gevurah]

The last of her energy slips from her, exhaustion finally sinking deep into her bones. Her head sags along with her shoulders that slump. The only part of her that manages to retain any strength is her hands, clinging to Renee's, almost borrowing strength from her.

[withamask]

Taking a low breath, Renee stalks to walk from the kitchen to the living room, gently pulling Kate along to take a seat next to her on a sofa. She doesn't know how to react to seeing Kate so vulnerable. Or to feeling so vulnerable herself.

[gevurah]

She follows without a word at first. By the time she sinks into the chair, she reluctantly pulls back from Renee.

"Thanks for coming," she manages.

i meant to type "starts" weeps

[withamask]

In response, she nods a bit numbly, as her arms fall to rest on her knees.

"Have you eaten yet?" It sounds like small talk, and it almost is, but she's also concerned.

[gevurah]

She shakes her head. She doesn't feel particularly hungry now. There's a peculiar empty feeling in her stomach, but it's not due to lack of solid food in the past couple of hours. She also doesn't have the desire to begin cooking something.

The dog in the corner yawns quietly before she rests her head down, but her eyes are still watching the two women on the couch.

"Not hungry. You?"