There’s not enough for me to go on

[mobius-bound.livejournal.com]

WHO: learntobehuman & tingirl_715
WHERE: Casa del Runaways
WHEN: Wednesday afternoon, after Xavin's accidentally broadcasting of her plans to improve the world. Continued from here.
WARNINGS: Angst, awkward sexual advances and girls kissing.
SUMMARY: Xavin desires improving the world and not missing her girlfriend. Cameron desires the happiness and safety of her friends, and not being lonely. Awkward ensues.
FORMAT: Quicklogged!

[Cameron smiles again.] Do you have anything with caffeine?

Probably. I know we have Coke somewhere, and a stash of energy drinks as well.

[ Beat. ]

Those are Victor's, though.

I wouldn't wish to take anything that belongs to Victor. Coca-cola is fine, thank you.

[ She really, really wants Xavin to open the bag. But she's being patient. ]

[ And Xavin is being awkward. ]
Alright, I will go get you one then. Do you take yours straight from the can, or in a glass?

[ When is Cameron ever not awkward seeming? She's surrounded by awkward. She doesn't know what to do when people stop being awkward. Unless they're Nigel. ]

A can is fine. Thank you.

[ Xavin nods before leading her towards the living room, and the elaborate set up seen in the video feed earlier. There's maps and Wikipedia print-outs in a messy pile on the floor, and Xavin sets her bag on top of the cover of the box. ]

I'll be right back.

[A nod and Cameron beings looking at this setup. She glances over the Wikipedia articles and frowns at some of the inaccuracies, tilts her head at the Risk board and wonders just when and where Xavin expects to get the time to engage in this type of social restructuring.

When Xavin comes back she's still doing that, though keeping her hands to herself. She hasn't moved a thing but her expression is interesting, to say the least.]

Here you are. [ Xavin hands her the can, and then sits on the opposite end of the couch. She reaches for the bag after setting down her own glass of water with a clink, and pulls the cell phone box out of the bag. ]

I should have gotten something to open this with while I was in the kitchen. Do you have a knife, or keys?

Oh. Yes, I have keys.

[She hands Xavin a ring of six keys and pauses, eyes on her friend. She really wants her to like the phone. But now she also wants to know why she is trying to take over resource-rich countries.]

[ Xavin takes them delicately before turning them over in her hand to slice the all tape off the box. The packaging itself has nothing more on it that a company's logo and other decorations, and it's a little frustrating to not know exactly what's it in before she gets this pesky tape taken care of.

Once it's done, she sets the keyring next to her on the couch and pries the box open. The white plastic of the outside of the phone manages to catch the sunlight and glimmers before Xavin pulls it out carefully and turns it over in her hands. The phone is cool in her hands and it fits well, despite looking a little bit like a WiiMote. ]

Cameron smiles over the edge of her soda can, both hands wrapped around it while she watches Xavin take the phone out.

The interior is completely purple, although the exterior is not, and Cameron feels a pang of worry that perhaps she should have looked harder for one that was purple on the outside and the inside.]

Do you like it?

I... do.

I am just trying to figure out how to turn it on. [ In Xavin's experience, most devices had some kind of distinct 'on' button, a trend which this phone seems to have balked. Strange. ]

Oh.

[Cameron sits down next to her and presses a small red button, holding it until the phone chimes.]

That is also what you use to end a call.

[ Xavin watches, noticing when Cameron turns it on that the purple stripe on the side has a gap. ] Thank you

[ She takes the phone back, and flicks it open on the side. When she does, a smile slides onto her face. It's purple. The same purple as her uniform--and the screen is much bigger than the one on the outside too. She recognizes the key layout, and even though she is not that great with QWERTY yet, she still knows enough to open the "web2go" app and type "google.com".]


Do you like it? [There's that hint of uncertaincy again, but Cameron goes right on past it, leaning over Xavin's shoulder a bit.] I noticed you were a lot of purple and hoped that it was a color you enjoy.

[And then, suddenly, she stops talking and sits back.]

[ Xavin glances away from the phone back at her. That was a little strange, even by Xavin's standards. ]

I do! It--the color. It is perfect.

Now I do not have to use someone else's computer, as well. I can just use this.

My only concern is... some cell phones have global positioning built into them, correct? Could someone track my movements through this phone?

[Cameron goes back to holding her soda with both hands and hiding half her expression with it. That…was really foolish of her.]

I could ensure that the GPS tracking is removed from the phone. Does your concern have to do with the project you are undertaking, here?

[She gestures with one hand at the table.]

No, not really. I just do not want to give those who would hurt my friends and I more of an opportunity than they already have.

I already give them enough by using the communicator, but sometimes, it is vital.

Does this have your number in it already?

It does, yes. Also the number of John's father, in case you should need it and cannot reach me.

[Why she would, Cameron can only barely imagine, but she likes being prepared for emergencies and Kyle is more willing to have his phone number handed out to strangers than, say, John would be. ]

It takes a bit of work in order to trace someone's movements through the communicator. But I understand.

Yes, exactly.

Thank you, Cameron. Very much. [ She's almost tempted to give her a hug or something, like she has seen other friends do, but she's not sure how Cameron would react to it. Something in her says it wouldn't be a good idea, and she stands up before she has an opportunity. ]

Should we go now?

[Added quickly: ] Or do you just want to stay here?

[Cameron watches Xavin stand with a slightly startled expression - now she's certain she made a social error, encroaching on Xavin's space like that, and half-expected the other girl to ask her to leave. Or something.]

Go…?

No, I would rather…stay. If you don't mind?

[Quietly:]

My apologies.

I don't mind. There is no need to apologize, really.

[ Why she got up is revealed when Xavin sits down on the floor in front of Cameron, moving a few little figurines around idly. ]

[She nods and goes back to drinking her soda and watching Xavin. Quiet for a moment. If there's nothing to apologize for then she should probably stop fixating on it, right?

Hah.]

Do you think this is a good idea? It will require a lot of time and energy on your part. People will be upset that you are disrupting the government in these places.

I never said anything about disrupting the government, necessarily--besides, for many of these nations, the government is but a story, and the realities are far different than what those who are privileged would like to think that they are.

I realize that...however. [Cameron frowns, slightly, and leans in again.] This will not remain diplomatic for long. And you will be very busy maintaining these systems.

[ Xavin leans back a little, her chin resting in her hand. Something just isn't working out. ]

Do you think so? Perhaps with a push in the right direction, regulation will not be necessary.

[ She decides that leaning away again would be awkward and bring attention to herself so she doesn't. ]

Mm. Skynet and MiR both had issues with this region and ensuring regulation. I am sorry, Xavin, but I do not know if this scenario is possible.

[ She turns her head and looks at her friend for a moment. ]

Why do you feel the necessity for this?

I... am not sure, entirely. I just feel it is something I should do.

Many have said it is a good idea. To help those who cannot help themselves.

And if the people you wish to help grow to resent you for your interaction, what then? It is a risk, Xavin, and one I would rather you did not take without a great deal more planning.

[ Her voice takes on a slight edge of irritation, and she grabs her phone to start looking something up. ] I have been planning more than this. I know what I am doing.

[Cameron flinches, and Xavin might be close enough to notice.] I did not mean to give the impression that you hadn't or were not capable...

[ Xavin sighs, and closes her eyes for a few seconds before responding. She didn't mean to snap, but this is just so important to her. ] I just... what good is sitting here and being perfectly happy with remaining in this City, when there is a whole world out there that could use our help?

[ Cameron gives a small shrug and returns her attention to the little plastic forces] I wouldn't know. I am not perfectly happy.

Well, neither am I. I suppose that is the point.

Do you think this will make you happy? [A pause] If you were happy that would be good. That is important to me.

It would be a step in the right direction.

Remembering lessons I learned back when I first joined the Runaways.

Lessons? What kind of lessons?

[ Xavin's hand lingers on a piece as she speaks. ] About how one should try to behave.

About what is important in life.

[ Cameron pauses before reaching over and moving the piece to the most strategically efficient location. ] Can you explain?

I can.

It is a bit of a long story, though. I would hate to bore you.

[ Xavin's a little reluctant too, not that she would admit it. ]

You are never boring, Xavin, and I am always interested in information. [Another pause.] However I can understand that these things may be personal to you and perhaps I am entreating too much today.

No, it is alright.

Just... my betrothed, back home. She believed in peace, and trying to help people. I just want to help in a way that I understand.

This is a more proactive example of peace than most can appreciate, my friend. [ Cameron sighs. ] Sometimes it would seem that people better accept help from afar.

What would your tack be, then?

[ She thinks about it and moves from the couch to sit next to Xavin on the floor instead. ] Influencing their own political motivations so that they are better equipped to help themselves. It would take longer, yes, but it would likely last longer as well.

[ Xavin scoots a little, making sure she has plenty of room. ] And who is to say that my method would not accomplish that?

[ Cameron's answer is quiet. ] If you were Ported out of this timeline, how would all this remain?

[ Another sigh from Xavin. ] It would depend entirely on when I was Ported out.

[ Cameron picks up an extraneous piece and turns it over in her hands. ] You probably should not allow my misgivings to alter your course of actions. That seems to be common with those I interact with and I do not take it personally. There is just likely something about the motivations which drive others that I do not fully comprehend.

[ Xavin turns her head around to look up at the other girl. ] Such as?

If I argue that something is unsafe, that does not mean they will not do it. My motivations are very centered in the needs and requirements of others, as they pertain to their own happiness and safety.

[ She keeps her eyes on the plastic soldier. ]

I am a tool, Xavin. Something to be used. That is the best understanding.

You are whatever you decide that you are. [ Her voice is firm; not rebuking, just with the confidence of someone who utterly believes in what they are saying. ] When you define yourself so rigidly, you give no flexibility to become anything else.

Changing the means by which self-definition is incorporated is difficult when there never was the the flexibility to begin with.

But you have it now.

You are no longer a slave to your programming.

No. But when so much of it is still the things I want, then... [ She shrugs. ] I understand that redefinition is required. But it is not easy.

[ Softer: ] I know it is not.

[She'd had this same discussion with Gert earlier. ]

I am trying. [ In case Xavin thought she wasn't. ] Friends, a job, being social, interacting on the network - these all would have been viewed as inessential towards my mission parameters and I would not have done them. The only way it would have occurred would have been if it became essential towards infiltration.

At least you are making an attempt at being social. That, especially, is difficult for me.

[ She turns and looks at Xavin seriously. ] Is it? I would not have known.

Why do you say that? I do not exactly go out often.

You are social with me. You discuss things on the network. I don't know if you go out often. [ Small frown. ]

[ Xavin shrugs. ] And yet, I still feel as if I'm missing something. [ She knows exactly what the something is, but she doesn't quite want to bring it up with Cameron for some reason. ]

Perhaps you are missing a more personal type of interaction. [ Cameron is trying to be helpful, really. ]

Perhaps.

[ Cameron frowns, slightly, and watches Xavin's expression carefully. ] This conversation is making you uncomfortable.

[ Xavin drops her head a little; there's no use hiding it. ] Yes.

[ Headtilting to maintain eye level contact. ] I'm sorry. You can change the subject.

No.

It's just... difficult. For me to talk about things like this. Even though it should not be.

Personal things are difficult for most to discuss. [ She won't point out that it isn't as difficult for her. ]

I just do not see the point in bringing up my personal feelings, most of the time. I do not need to burden others with them.

But your happiness is of importance to me; if it weren't I would not have allowed the conversation to get to this point.

[ Xavin turns a little. ] But what about your happiness? It is just as important as mine. Especially because I can largely tell what is making me unhappy.

I'm not sure if you could say the same...

I cannot say the same. It is complicated, overcomplicated perhaps by the concept that I have possibly never been happy, though I have always been capable.

[She gives a small shrug.] I am lonely. So I understand that is one of the sources of my unhappiness.

[ Xavin tries to make a joke: ] Maybe we should be lonely together.

[ Raised eyebrows. ] That would facilitate not being lonely, Xavin.

Precisely.

[ She feels compelled to throw this in, and does: ] It would be... like a club.

[ Cameron smiles and gives a small, not unkind laugh. ] That is not what I meant, Xavin.

[ Xavin's expression resolves into something unreadable; she's waiting for something. ] Then what did you mean?

Contact. [ Cameron closes her eyes as if that will make her own uncertainty less obvious. It doesn't. ] Tactile engagement. Sex?

[ Well, now, that's certainly something. Something that leaves her a little dumbfounded at first. ]
I... Cameron.

Why do you think.. that this will help you?

I could list the physiological reasons but that...might not be very helpful, I suspect, in the context you're asking. [ Cameron frowns. She isn't used to asking about this sort of thing and it's not like she's surrounded by the most functional relationships. ]

No, not exactly.

I just... I understand that... I know it does help, but that was only after I had known Karolina for quite some time, and we had gotten to know each other...

[ Cameron keeps staring at the soldier still in her hands, mentally reminding herself not to accidentally break it. This is why she didn't want to ask. She is not good at this at all. ]

If you have reservations, then I understand. I only meant… [ Sighing. ] Nevermind.

No, I.. I didn't... [ Xavin reaches over to pull Cameron's hands down, if only because she doesn't like her just staring at it. ]

[ There's a moment of slightly confused resistance before she opens one of her hands; the other still holds the unscathed soldier. ] I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

No, I... I just do not know Cameron.

This whole world is so different from back home... and what if she were to arrive? What would I do then?

Explain? I am not...I don't intend to replace her. [ Cameron shakes her head. ] I'm sorry. Please? We can talk about something else.

I just... I am not good at this sort of thing... isn't one supposed to be faithful? I left her, but it was--it was to help her, Cameron...

[ It becomes obvious that Xavin's not necessarily talking about the same thing any more.] I just wanted to help...

I wouldn't expect monogamous intent if the other person isn't present, to be honest. But I realize that my opinion on this matter is skewed by the perspective of time travel and the understanding that I would not see the same person again, as I left them.

[ Cameron gives Xavin a worried look. This is distressing her much more than it's distressing Cameron, it seems, and she doesn't know what to take from that. ]

Then you would explain. That's all you can do.

I left her, Cameron. I knocked her out and left her because they would take her otherwise.

And then I come here and... I just have not known what to do. It isn't the same. Knowing I would go back home to that.

[ She hesitates a little, then leans over to put her head on Cameron's shoulder. ] I just.. I do not know what to do half of the time.

I understand. [ She thinks she does, anyway. She wants to, definitely, and Cameron has the odd idea that she would easily remove herself from history if it meant protecting John. ] If you went back home…how high is the probability that you would see her again?

Not very high. If I were to go back... [ Xavin sighs again, and her head sinks into Cameron's shoulder a little more. ] If I were to go back, I would find myself on a ship bound for some planet, to a military tribunal with little hope of true justice being found.

I could even die, there.

[ After a moment of consideration Cameron pets Xavin's hair, slowly. ] I'm sorry. [ She doesn't know how to fix that, any of that. ] Would she be angry, do you think, or would she understand?

I don't know what to tell you to do. Learn the things your situation didn't allow you to learn? That is what I am doing. Trying to do. [ She doesn't know if she's very good at it, however. ]

I think she understands.

I hope she understands. She... there is so much more that she could help the world to learn. And I hope to bring peace to our people, and hope that they can see her in me and know what good could come of ending the fighting.

[ The little soldier gets set on the carpet and Cameron leans into Xavin a bit.]

So you did what you thought best. There isn't anything wrong with that. If she came here then you would try and explain. Hopefully she would listen.

I didn't mean to cause distress, Xavin.

It is alright. I should not have reacted that way, anyway. [ She raises a hand to her eyes to wipe at them. She's still ashamed of nearly crying in front of Sarah; her composure is important to her. ]

But thank you for listening. Even though it is hard to tell people... I find I feel better the more I tell it.

I can't say how you should or should not have reacted, to be honest. [ Cameron watches Xavin for a second before pulling her hand away. ]

I will listen. You are my friend. I know you would do the same for me.

I would.

And if there is anything you need, I would try to help you with that as well.

[ Cameron makes a small sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. ] I don't know what I need. All I have are ideas and wants. Not very efficient at all.

Perhaps what you need then, is time.

Which I have here. In droves, possibly, with no concept of how best to utilize it. [ She shakes her head. ] Time doesn't do much for being lonely, however.

Yes. I know. But...

[ She shifts a little. ]

I already offered to help with that, too.

[ Cameron glances at her. ] I think I'm confused, now. You turned down my offer.

[ Tarnax, why does she have to make this so difficult... ] I... I know. But, Cameron...

My feelings aren't hurt. [ Which is an amazingly epic lie and some part of her wonders that she even manages to get it out. ]

I just don't understand.

I. Cameron.

[ She raises her head off of the other girl's shoulder and turns toward her, brown eyes watching Cameron's face. ]

Please, look at me.

[ When Xavin shifts Cameron pulls her hand off the other girl's hair and does look, her expression rather blank. But she is hurt, and confused, and wishes she understood. ]

Yes?

I... [ Xavin's movements are slow and unsure, mostly because she's so terribly worried about doing this wrong. But the more time goes on, the more the quiet voice deep down inside tells her that yes, this is exactly what she needs to do. She leans closer to Cameron, until their lips bump, awkwardly. She adjusts, enough to kiss Cameron chastely before pulling away. ]

[ That was…nice. Unexpected somehow because Xavin never struck Cameron as the sort to change her mind like that, but Cameron does manage to kiss back for a very short moment before Xavin pulls away and Cameron blinks at her.

She could say - ask - a lot of things right now but she isn't certain that would help and is afraid Xavin will change her mind again so instead Cameron bites her bottom lip for a moment before she kisses Xavin back. There is very little chaste about her response. ]

[ It's not that she doesn't like Cameron, per se, it's just that she'd never thought of Cameron in exactly this way. Karolina is back home, and everyone swears she'll show up again, even though Xavin's nearly convinced that she won't.

She can't help it if she always frames feelings of love and longing in terms of Karolina. But this... this is different, unexpected, but definitely not unwelcome, and Xavin kisses back with equal fervor. ]

[ To her merit, Cameron didn't think of it until she realized that being lonely wasn't going anywhere and she couldn't stand it any more. For her attraction, friendship, love are all so intertwined with the concepts of safety and trust that it is very easy for her mind to step the boundary of one into the other, to decide she loves as easily as everyone else decides they like another person.

But she definitely likes it when Xavin kisses her back, there's no question of that. Leaning in and not wanting to pull away, slightly flushed, slightly breathless which is very new, but: ] Your roommates might come home.

[ So they probably shouldn't be kissing in the living room for very long. ]

[ That brings Xavin back, and she remembers where she is, who this is... ] Yes. I agree.

We can move to my room, if that is…?

[ Cameron smiles, and nods. ] I would like that, yes.

[ Xavin slips her hand into the other girl's, pulling her up before guiding her to her door. ]

[ And Cameron follows, easily. She's curious to see what Xavin's room is like, and a little excited, and a little nervous which is definitely...uncommon, for her. ]

[ Xavin opens the door to her room with her free hand when they get there, and the first impression might be that it's very Spartan. Aside from some rather out-of-place accessories--tie-dye curtains, a butterfly lamp--everything is arranged at right angles. Military efficiency.

Her small bed is made neatly, with flannel sheets even in this relatively warm weather. Xavin sits down on the side as she lets go of Cameron's hand, looking as nervous as Cameron feels. ]

Well, this is... my room.

[ Cameron wonders, briefly, what the significance is of these few colorful items are but won't ask, not today. But she does give Xavin another earnest smile. ]

I like it.

[ And she does. It reminds her of her own room, in a way. Other than books and enough space to practice ballet, there is not much going on in it. ]

…Can I kiss you again?

[ Xavin smiles back, still nervous, and she takes a short breath before learning toward Cameron. Her voice is quiet, meant just for the two of them. ] Yes. Please.

[ She's still standing which makes for an odd height difference, but Cameron doesn't care. She touches Xavin's cheek for a moment, smiling again, before she leans in and kisses her.

Kissing is something she hasn't done in years. She's never kissed another girl before, even though she knows Xavin can shapeshift. Either way, she likes it. Enjoys it. ]

[ Xavin reaches a hand up and closes her eyes before threading her fingers through Cameron's hair, at the nape of her neck. Cameron is not Karolina, and never will be, and maybe it's unfair, but--at least this way, she can pretend that it's blond hair that she's holding right now. ]

[ There's a small, pleased sound at that. Cameron likes the contact, needs it to a degree, and to finally have someone touch her as more than just a friendly gesture nearly makes her dizzy. Her body is normally frustrating and confusing now that she's not a machine any longer but right now she's not frustrated or confused.

She leans in further and deepens the kiss a bit before she has to pull away a few inches to catch a breath. ]

That's nice.

It is.

[ Xavin takes a deep breath, but decides before they go any further, if they are going further, that she should ask something. ] I... I can change my appearance if you want.

[ Cameron smiles and shakes her head. ] No. That isn't necessary, really.

[ She likes Xavin, not necessarily the idea of Xavin pretending to be someone else. ]

[ That is very much the right answer. Even though she wouldn't have a problem with it, it still makes her happy to hear Cameron say that. ]

Okay. Do you want to... sit down?

Yes. Standing would be...inefficient, eventually. [ Smiling, blushing even a bit - and isn't that a strange feeling - before she sits down next to Xavin. She takes her hand and squeezes it a bit before reaching out and touching her cheek again. ]

[ Xavin laughs a little. ] Not to mention uncomfortable.

Mmhmm. [ Cameron's smile widens, a little, before she kisses Xavin again, though not for very long. ] Worth it, though, I think.

To stand up? [ A smile slides onto Xavin's face. ] I am not sure it would be.

[ A laugh. ] Not if you stayed sitting, no. But the discomfort. If there was any.

Yes. [ Xavin laughs, and she reaches over to grab a strand of Cameron's hair, playing with it idly. ]

[ Cameron watches her for a moment before leaning in again. Only this time she doesn't kiss Xavin on the lips; she kisses the other girl behind the ear, humming against her skin a bit before pulling back to see how well that was taken. ]

[ Xavin smiles and presses up into the kiss, sighing when Cameron pulls away. She leans back toward the other girl, though, and presses a kiss to her jaw, in turn. ]

[ A small exhale and a small sigh when Xavin does that. ] It's nice. [ She keeps saying that but she keeps not...being able to think of anything else to say. For once, she doesn't mind being distracted. ]