capeandcowllogs | I am falling, I am fading, I have lost it all.

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I am falling, I am fading, I have lost it all.

WHO: Dick Grayson & Wally West
WHERE: Dick's apartment
WHEN: The day after Wally's talk with Bart and discovering Roy's gone.
WARNINGS: Oh god, MORE ANGST. Fluffy angst.
SUMMARY: Wally learned that the most important person in his life is going to die, he needs a friend since all the ones at the Tower have gone.
FORMAT: Paragraph.

Wally couldn't sleep that night and it's no surprise, not with that kind of heavy knowledge. So he spent the entire night trying to work on the Cosmic Treadmill to no avail. He couldn't concentrate at all and the drawings and writing he made were unreadable with how shaky his hands were. In the morning he realized he just couldn't stay on his own. All these feelings would eat away at him and he needs distraction.

He doesn't want to bother Bart again though - not after what he put him through - and Garth got ported out. He tries looking for Roy only to discover that he got ported out too. Wally loses it a little then.

He runs without thinking going faster, faster, faster than he ever ran before, pushing every limit and then some. Because he knows that if your run at the right speed, vibrate at the right frequency, you can run back and forth in time and to different universes. The Cosmic Treadmill is just a helpful tool and it's quite possibly not necessary if you can run fast enough.

Wally can't ever run that fast but he's trying anyway. Trying until every muscle in his body is screaming in agony and he's losing speed fast. With a last push he ends up in front of Dick's door.

He doesn't want to bother Dick with this, he has enough on his plate already, but Wally doesn't know where to go anymore if he can't get home. He's not that close with the older Titans, his closer friends are gone now and Dick is all he has left.

It takes effort to raise his arm and knock on the door when he's wheezing for breath but he does it.

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Dick's getting ready to do to school and was going to leave a few minutes later when he hears the knock on the door, slow and nearly quiet. He thinks for a moment that maybe it's Tim since he hasn't seen him in a while but the timing's not good since he's about to leave and Tim would know that.

He's dwelling over Roy or Wally as he opens the door -- "I'm gonna be gone in a--" -- and then takes a look at Wally, who's exhausted and has a hard time breathing and who looks like hell.

He gets worried right away and starts looking Wally over quickly, trying to find a wound or something. When he speaks, he doesn't try to hide the near-panic in his voice.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt anywhere?"

Wally shakes his head quickly, not replying until he has enough air back in his burning lungs to actually be able to talk. "No. I was just-- trying to get home and I- " He has to stop because he's choking up, he tried talking too soon.

Taking deep breaths hurts like hell and only make him cough and wheeze more so he tries slower breaths. It makes his breathing shallow but it's better. The next he speaks it's just a run-on sentence, all in one breath.

"I'm sorry, I don't meant to bother you, honest, but I didn't know where to go because Garth's gone and Roy's gone too now and I already cried all over Bart so I couldn't go to him again, that would be unfair, and I'm not here to take you home, I just need a friend right now."

He may be hyperventilating a little.

For Dick, that's just a fast ramble of pained words and the meaning of them all hits slowly in little bursts that just make Dick feel worse every passing moment. 'Trying to get home' means going back to his universe, for example, which he can accept -- everyone is still trying to go back to their universe, really -- but it doesn't mean it's not hurting Dick. He's been in the City for a long time and wants to stay, but he doesn't want to stay alone.

He's grabbing onto people, here, in a way that no one else would call 'grabbing' ever, especially when he spends so much time pushing everyone away nowadays, but he doesn't want to be --

alone --

like Wally is right now because. Roy. Roy who was the first one without mental powers he felt understood him in this place...

He tries talking, just a small 'hey', but it comes croaked and horrible and doesn't sound like anything and he can't cry when Wally is the one who's here because he needs comforting. He's never been good at comforting and his heart isn't here but he has to.

So he takes one deep breath and forces everything he's feeling down as much as possible and pulls Wally inside by the arm, swinging his own arm around Wally's shoulders and holding onto him that way, pulling him against him.

"Hey, I'm here," he whispers because his voice can't sound raw or pained quite as much if he whispers. "It'll be fine." And he's not sure he's telling the truth, but he needs to convince himself, too.

Edited 2010-03-16 15:14 (UTC)

It takes a moment for Wally to actually move again. He's aching all over and his legs feel like lead but he lets Dick pull him inside even if every step hurts. When Dick pulls him close he leans into him instantly, wrapping his arms around him and practically clinging as he buries his face in Dick's shoulder.

He makes a desperate, pained noise when the other boy tells him it'll be fine. It's not going to be fine because Barry is going to die saving the world and if it's for a reason like that Wally knows he wouldn't be able to stop Barry.

Not for something like that, Barry wouldn't allow him to put his mentor before the rest of the world. He doesn't know if he'll be able to do anything for Bart either.

The future sucks and with how he's losing everyone here, right now is sucking pretty bad too.

"I'm sorry." He seems to be saying that a lot lately. "It's just that, I don't care if you're the Joker-wannabe or not, you're still my friend and I love you anyway and you may be pushing everyone away but I won't ever give up on you," he's just rambling now and not getting to the point and explaining what's going on but he doesn't want to get to the point. Just thinking about it is hard enough, talking about it seems impossible and these things are important to say as well. He can't afford to lose Dick too. "So please let me stay. Just a little while."

He feels ridiculous, pathetic and clingy but the larger more desperate part of him can't bring himself to care enough to let go.

The way Wally is stumbling is a really good indication that he's been running a lot, that he is literally exhausted and that his legs are slowly giving up on him. He lets Wally cling at him, trying not to move in any way would force Wally to move, too, as he doesn't want to do anything that would be painful for him. Physically painful -- he doesn't know every thing that's going on but he's not sure he could do anything that'd be mentally more painful than what Wally is going through right now.

Going to school is pushed really, really far away in his mind, and a part of him wants to ask Wally about Roy, about how he knows and is he sure, he wants to be egoistical and ask about the things that have some effect on him, but he can wait. He has to wait at least a little.

And Wally's words... okay so he's rambling and he probably doesn't know what he's saying, but it's still very much what Dick has been needing to hear, that someone doesn't care if he's the Joker or not. Not that it's okay because it's not him, or that they'll change it no worries, that even knowing he might be that in the future, Wally doesn't care because Dick is himself for now.

He clings back, doing his best to support Wally without giving in himself. Falling on the floor over nothing is probably not going to do any good.

"You can." He pauses and closes his eyes. "You're -- I love you, too. You can stay." And he's definitely starting to feel the need for Wally to stay, too. "Forgiven," he adds weakly, even if he doesn't think Wally will get it.

Wally may not be registering the words fully - it's like his brain is still trying to break every barrier ever and Dick's words come out so slowly - but they're soothing nonetheless and stop him from rambling on and on.

Which is a good thing because at some point it probably would have derailed into babbling about poor baby turtles being left behind and whatever nonsensical thing he could think of next, sad lonely arrows maybe. Whatever to avoid the topic that actually needs to be talked about.

He's just so relieved he can stay because now he won't have to be alone with his thoughts. He knows he'll want to be alone later to, heh, take time and work it through but right now it's still too overwhelming. He spend the entire night trying to suppress it all but it wasn't doing him any good. He just can't do it like the Bats do.

"Thanks." It's muffled and tired-sounding but definitely sincere. He has to resist the urge to slump against Dick even more because that would topple them over for sure but it's hard when his legs are trembling and it's a real effort to keep himself upright.

His legs really aren't happy with him and that's no surprise. He pulls back a little and he should move while legs haven't entirely given up on him yet and-- get to the couch.

If he can get to the couch, he'll be all right.

"No problem." And if Bruce stalks him enough to confront him about skipping class for a day, this is actually a good excuse, as opposed to all the other days he skipped school.

Wally's legs are trembling kind of a lot and he needs -- they need to move somewhere where they can stay still and do nothing except, well, mope together for a while. And Dick's first idea isn't the couch, that isn't big enough to be comfortable if they're both lying, it's his bed. And it's not as if it was that much further.

They'll move and flop there and talk. Or not talk if it makes Wally feel too bad, but Dick's hoping talking will happen at least a little.

He tugs on Wally, placing himself so he can lean on him and use him sort of like a crutch if he wants to, and he starts moving cautiously toward his bedroom.

"How bad are your legs? Are they gonna heal fast?" he asks, because it's an easy, non-emotionally charged question to both ask and answer to.

Wally's a little startled when he gets tugged into the opposite direction but he catches on quickly enough. Dick's super-comfortable bed would be a whole lot better and Wally quietly appreciates Dick's smart thinking as he shuffles along.

"Yes. No." Wait, what was the question? "I mean, I don't know." He's never tried to push himself this far before so he has no way of telling. The only thing he can accurately guess is that it's going to be hell on his metabolism later.

Once they get into the bedroom he all but collapses onto the bed. For a moment it's a great relief but then the pressure on his legs is gone now that he's no longer putting weight on them and the muscles in his legs start to relax. As soon as they do, the pain becomes a lot sharper and more noticeable and he's soon wishing he was still standing.

He curls in on himself a little. This time running was a stupid thing to do especially if he had kept pushing.

Dick looks at Wally flop on the bed and curl on himself, and he leans over him enough that he can grab onto his shoulder, tightening his hold in a reassuring gesture. Or something that's supposed to be, either way. He probably can't convince anyone right now.

Wally doesn't know but he's acting very much like anyone would if they'd run as much as he did: like his legs are on fire. He knows Wally heals fast, but suddenly being still after that much exercise...

He sighs and places a hand on Wally's right calf, massaging hard and steady, trying to find the knots already setting there.

"What's going on?" he asks, fast and blunt. He's not very good as being more considerate than this and he wants to know. He'd said he'd look for --

Ah... His hand gets less confident on Wally's leg. "Are you sure about Roy...?" It's a stupid thing to ask but... maybe...

Edited 2010-03-16 23:18 (UTC)

Like his legs are on fire is a very good way of describing it though it's more than that too. He feels like he's repeatedly ran into a wall which... is pretty much what he felt like when he was running. Like running straight into a wall over and over again. It had hurt.

He flinches when Dick starts massaging his calf and has to stop himself from jerking away, Dick's just trying to help. So he keeps still as much as he can and focuses on Dick's questions.

"I. Yeah. I tried looking for him and when I couldn't find him I checked the video feed and..." That says enough really. He honestly wishes he could punch the Porter and can only hope Roy will be okay back home in such a dreadful future.

It's Roy though, Wally's fairly certain he'll pull through. "'M sorry."

Dick is going to keep going even if Wally jerks away and Wally will be glad he did keep on going tomorrow. Really. Dick shifts so he can work Wally's calf with both his hands which keeps them busy. Busy means not punching at walls. That way, he has to concentrate on something, too.

It's not working very well.

At all.

It takes a few seconds before he trusts himself to speak up again. "Maybe he'll be back in a week." But it's stupid to think that way because -- he doesn't know if Roy still wanted to go back to his universe or not. Maybe he did. Maybe he's happier that way.

Dick certainly isn't. He wants him back.

He pretty much wants the last three weeks to vanish.

He'd never talked to Roy after the switch, never explained... not that there was much to explain, but...

"Don't move. It's -- going to help." He's tired of feeling like crying so much, too. It makes him feel weak, and everything makes him feel useless. Weak and useless. Yeah, he needs Wally here as much as Wally wants to be here.

Wally watches Dick with a small worried frown. It's so much easier to put aside his own troubles when he has someone else to worry about. He hasn't really had the time to truly process the fact that Roy is gone rather than just lumping it together with all the other bad stuff that's been happening.

"Maybe he will." And then maybe Garth will come back too and things can be like they were. It would be very nice but Wally knows it's just wishful thinking.

A lot of wishful thinking.

Like how he's been wishing really hard Barry would get here already. But he's not thinking about that.

He's aware that Dick was better friends with Roy than he was and so this news must be a lot harder on him. He hadn't really thought of that when he'd just blurted everything out.

Way to go, Wally.

He reaches out and grabs one of Dick's hands to give it a squeeze to show it's okay and that he's here for him before uncurling a bit and then keeping himself still again in case Dick wants to keep massaging.

Dick stops for a moment when Wally reaches for his hand and just stares at it for a second. He shouldn't stop the massage now because one half-leg isn't going to do much but it's getting harder and harder to concentrate.

Shit.

He tenses and half closes his eyes, looking down without really seeing much.

"'m sorry. I should be the one comforting you and. I don't even know." He pauses to bite the inside of his cheeks hard, taking his hand back from Wally's so he can start working on his other calf.

"You haven't told me what's going on."

Edited 2010-03-17 00:26 (UTC)

"It's fine." He gives Dick a small smile and he means it. It distracts him and comforting someone else is nicer than having to be comforted although both instances tend to be awkward, Wally just prefers the first.

Obviously he can't keep avoiding giving an explanation though. He pauses for a moment, to both slow his thoughts down a bit and think of what to say. "I ran too fast," he's stating the obvious here and it doesn't offer much of an explanation but he's doing it to put some order in the chaos of his mind.

It makes him realize something that is getting closer to the point. "I could have disintegrated like--" He squeezes his eyes shut and pushes past the urge to choke up, speaking a lot more quietly next. "Like Barry."

It makes him think of how much he was hurting when he was running and pushing himself. Barry must have felt like that, only worse because he actually disintegrated. He must have been in so much pain. A slow and agonizing death.

One that Barry absolutely doesn't deserve.

He's been so good to the world and to die like that saving it... Wally whimpers.

Dick waits for Wally to add anything after he states that he ran too fast because that was very obvious and doesn't answer Dick's question. He's about to ask again when he adds the bit about Barry.

Wally hasn't spoken to him that much about Barry, bits here and there, but enough that Dick knows who he is and how much he means to Wally. So it's a case of hideous future and no one ever is permitted to have a good one, clearly.

He finishes with the calves and he's not going to work on the thighs because that'd be... too awkward. Uhm. Anyway, if Wally asks him he won't mind but. Whatever. Not important.

He moves so he lies down next to Wally and places a hand against his shoulder blade, smiling sadly. "Your future sucks, uh?" Horrible futures are so trendy recently.

"Yeah, kind of a lot." Wally opens his eyes and smiles back or at least, tries to. It's more of a grimace than an actual smile. He's not about to ask for anything other than Dick's company, it's more than enough.

He sighs and closes his eyes again, collecting his thoughts. He should explain from the start but for a little while he stays quiet, willing himself not to start crying again when he speaks.

"When Tim was here as Batman he told me... Flash would run beyond his capabilities and disintegrate and that Bart, my...protege, will be beaten to death. I went to ask Bart about it and-- well." It's obvious what the answer had been.

Amazingly, he's not crying yet but the nauseous punch-in-gut feeling is there. He curls up a little tighter.

When he opens his eyes and looks at Dick, his voice finally cracks. "Did you know Bart's only five years old?"

It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Dick moves over so he can tighten his hold on Wally and try to be as comforting as possible because he really can't do much more.

"No, I didn't." There's nothing else to add. Dick can guess it's a matter of rapid growth or something. Or maybe being cloned already looking like a teenager or something else, but it's not like it matters. Or, well... Dick doesn't care. He cares about Wally and Roy, right now.

"People keep telling me I can change my future. Tim says he changed his. So... I don't know. Maybe you'll find some way. Or maybe you're from another universe that's gonna be the same up to then. With the number of places out there, there has to be some where like -- everyone died thousands of years ago and all. And some where it's better."

He is completely repeating arguments he was told before. Arguments that didn't matter to him at the time, too. So he doubts they're going to matter to Wally but he's trying.

He appreciates Dick's efforts but they don't matter because he knows. It's his universe, it's his future and it's naive to think otherwise. He would love to believe it wasn't or that he can do something to change it but he can't and false hopes only hurt more.

Maybe he can do something for Bart but Barry...

"Barry died saving the world, I can't stop that. He would never let me." His eyes are watering now and he mentally curses himself as he quickly rubs his eyes.

Would he give the world up to keep his mentor alive? ....Possibly. But he can't judge because he's never been in a situation where he had to make a choice like that before and he doesn't ever want to be. If he could, he would gladly take Barry's place. The world needs Flash more than Kid Flash anyway.

What gets to him most is the unfairness of it all. Even if it were an alternate universe, it still...

"They don't deserve to die like that, they're such good people. I can't-- I can't think of anyone more good than them." He doesn't know Bart that well but he wears the Kid Flash costume and that makes him a good person. He's also Barry's grandson and Wally can see that when he looks at Bart.

They're family. Real family.

He has to rub at his eyes more furiously to keep from spilling tears.

"Tons of stuff is probably going to change when you go back, just 'cause you'll be older and all. Maybe -- maybe that's meant to happen but."

He sighs and his hold on Wally clearly becomes a hug. He needs the hug and the contact, too, and this is a fabulous way to get it without asking and with an excuse for it.

"I don't know. There's nothing I can say 'cause you're right and it sucks really hard."

He hesitates a moment about telling anything about the tears Wally is trying and mostly failing to stop. Maybe faking he can't see them is what Wally wants? He decides against it, eventually, and just says quickly, "it's okay if you need to cry," which is hypocritical to the extreme because Dick hasn't let himself cry in the last weeks and he probably needs it, too.

Wally moves one arm to get it around Dick and return the hug, the other remaining between them with which he's clinging to Dick's shirt a bit. It's not the most comfortable position but he's not inclined to move any time soon.

It's... nice that Dick isn't trying to sugarcoat it now. It's very likely going to happen and his future just sucks. No lies, no false hopes. It's just how it is and it hurts but it's better than getting your hopes up and then let down later.

He'll have to deal and prepare for it now even if he doesn't want to.

He was starting to do okay with the whole not-crying thing until Dick started talking about it. Funny how that works. Barry probably wouldn't want Wally to cry for him and that makes it even harder.

He squeezes his eyes shut again and shakes his head even though the tears are already falling and he can't find his voice anymore.

Dick has nothing to do but hang on, and think, and thinking might not me a good idea because he can't help thinking about Roy who isn't here anymore, and how he's hoping he'll just come back next week, and how hoping is maybe just going to hurt him.

And he remembers one of the conversation he listened to on the boards, between his future self and Tim, in which he mocked Tim for hoping because is useless and it hurts. He can't think that way, too, because he's not like him, he's not his future. Except that they're the same person. This isn't just about Roy, it's about himself, how he's hoping to change whatever's to come but every time he thinks he took a step forward, something else shows up.

And the situation shouldn't be about this, either. This isn't about him at all, it's about Wally who's crying and holding onto Dick just as much as Dick is holding onto him, and he feels like shit for thinking about his petty problems in that situation but now that he's started, he can't stop.

The first sob hurts everywhere, but especially in his throat and in his chest, more than he thought it would, ragged and hard. "I'm sorry."

He can't do anything about his own tears when they start but be angry at himself. "I'm sorry," he repeats. For Barry. For hurting you. For crying even you're the one who came to me.

Wally blinks through his tears in surprise. He's never seen Dick cry before and he never thought he would. When he thinks about it... Dick's probably been suppressing everything that's happened like crazy so it makes sense to him Dick would cry now. He doesn't blame him. In fact, Wally is glad which may sound mean but at least Dick's finally letting it out now.

He wants to laugh though because, look at them. They're an utter mess. But the laugh just comes out as a few sobs despite himself and he stops bothering with trying not to cry, letting the tears flow freely.

He shifts so he can put both arms around Dick and pull him close, getting more comfortable while rubbing Dick's back soothingly. "Shh, it's okay." Whispering is easier on the lump in his throat and Dick is close so he'll hear it.

They both need this right now and he doesn't want Dick to feel bad about that.

"Let it out." He nuzzles the top of Dick's head encouragingly.

He hasn't cried much in the last year, really. It's the second time as long as waking up in tears from a dream doesn't count, and the only one there to witness it the first time was Tim. He's beginning to think that it's impossible for him to break down by himself like any other regular person, he has to be with someone else.

He feels Wally's fail chuckle against him and he understands where it comes from completely. They do look pretty bad and ridiculous, crying and clinging to each other in a bed. At least Wally has reasons; if asked, Dick isn't sure he could explain what's going on in his head.

Laughing always makes part of the embarrassment go away, and Dick is nervous enough that it wouldn't surprise him if he had a laughing fit over this. He doesn't, though.

"I just don't wanna lose hope," he mumbles, voice cracking through everything going on. "That – my future self had. Lost hope. 'M not like him." And you shouldn't just give up on it, either.

Edited 2010-03-18 17:15 (UTC)

Wally tightens his hold for a small moment, evening out his breathing and calming down so he can focus on Dick instead of the maelstrom of negative emotions he's feeling. It helps quite a bit.

At first he's not sure what Dick is talking about but the mention of 'future self' speaks volumes. Unlike him, Dick can change his future. Wally's certain of that.

Because it's about Dick himself and although changing yourself, and he guesses preventing certain changes, isn't the easiest thing to do but it can be done. People change all the time. It's just another fact of life.

"Then don't." It sounds so simple but it's not. Still. "We'll make sure you don't, we'll be here for you when you need us." Although Wally's sure Dick could make it on his own. He's a strong person and he knows better now.

It takes a moment for Dick to calm down enough, but he can't do much to help except starting a breathing patter and he's not really good at that. He does, eventually, just staying there against Wally and remembering that, yeah, he's not alone because Wally's going to barge in whenever he wants. It's a good thought.

"Don't leave," he says without thinking, and regrets it right away. He's only mumbling nonsense because Roy's gone. It's not as if Wally can decide on whether he's going to be ported out or not and... he probably wants to leave, just like Tim does. It's unfair to say something anything along the lines of 'don't leave' to any of them.

"Nevermind. Uhm." He moves a little away but doesn't break contact with Wally. "How're your legs feeling?"

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