http://ajrimmer-ssc.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] ajrimmer-ssc.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] capeandcowllogs2010-05-10 06:00 pm

I can't believe what you said to me, last night we were alone.

WHO: Raven and Rimmer. Closed log.
WHERE: Lake Placid house, their bedroom.
WHEN: Backdated to the night of this post.
WARNINGS: Heavy theological content and philosophy. Discussion of souls. Discussion of humanity and demons. A couple in their pyjamas in bed. Yannow, the usual.
SUMMARY: Rimmer is none too keen on the fact that Raven seems to be of the opinion that she has no soul. Which, coming from him, is highly ironic all things considered. A discussion ensues.
FORMAT: Probably acres of Teal Deers.

His hologramatic pyjamas were in place, as he sat on the bed with his book, waiting for Raven to join him. He was reading a fascinating piece on Augustus, the emperor of Rome after Caesar.

Although his mind wasn't really on the military campaigns, defeating the Germans across the Rhine. Instead, his mind was firmly stuck in the rut from earlier tonight, when the subject of souls had popped up. And suddenly Arnold Rimmer was treading some seriously shaky theological ground, and he had no way to get to safety.

This was not a conversation that he wanted to have over their comms with dozens listening in. This was something that needed to happen in person...but she'd been avoiding him ever since. And now he had no idea how to broach this subject, or if he even should. But then, it occurred to him...they'd never really had the 'religion' discussion before. Well, aside from her telling him about Azar and Azarath. ...He just caught on to the fact that those were almost exactly the same word, way to go, Arn.

So he waited. And fidgeted. And fretted. And reread the same paragraph eighteen times as he hoped she would come upstairs tonight. She'd often said that she would never make him sleep on the couch...but that said nothing about her choosing that for herself instead. Hrm.

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 01:11 am (UTC)(link)
Raven spent a good half hour trying to find any reason to not go to bed... she knew what would happen the moment she was in close quarters with her soon-to-be husband. He would want to talk about issues. No, he'd want to lecture her on why she didn't believe she had a 'soul'. Raven didn't want to lie to him. Giving in and letting him believe he had changed her mind would be lying to him...

She tried just about anything to excuse why she didn't want to go to bed. Joseph, I'd love you watch you paint! David, we can watch a movie! Terrence, let's go out for icecream and no it doesn't matter that it's late! None of it worked, and she found herself marching up the stairs after being caught yawning. She couldn't get away with anything in this house, one of the downsides to being so close to them all.

She tossed Arnold a smile as she went to her dresser, and pulled out one of her longer nightgowns. She had various ones she wore... small silk and lace ones for obvious reasons, oversized nightshirts for long mornings with everyone downstairs, and then the long white gown that screamed 'I'm really in no mood for anything sexual, let me sleep'. The long gown went on tonight. Then she crawled up into bed and under the covers.

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 01:19 am (UTC)(link)
"Hello," which wasn't a cute little 'hi'. She took a look at the book he still held, gave a little mental shrug, and settled down into the pillows, back turned to him.

She really wasn't this cold, and she didn't feel she needed to be this cold, she just really didn't want to continue this discussion. This would ultimately undo a lot of the hard work she had pushed herself through, all that self-acceptance she had struggled for.

If he insisted the way she was born wasn't good enough, which was how she was personally hearing all of it, she would be out on that couch tonight. Simple as that.

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 01:32 am (UTC)(link)
She hated this, whenever they were fighting without really fighting. The frigid silence cut through her like a knife, just enough for her to shift and wrap her arms around her front like she did whenever things got stressful for her. The words 'don't give in, you're right about this one' continued to pump through her head, and soon were being repeated more than her usual meditation mantras. Turning around and saying something would result in him either exploding in a fit of anger, or them having to talk about it.

... this too would pass, right? He'd get caught up in his book again, forget she was even there, and she'd fall asleep. Tomorrow they could have breakfast with the others, and everyone could just get over this.

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 01:46 am (UTC)(link)
'Don't give in', was being replaced by 'Do you see what you're doing to him?' very quickly. She could feel the heat in her stomach and chest growing, the tightness and uncomfortable sensations of knowing she was doing something wrong, and knowing that the more she let it go on, the worse it would be. She wanted to still be stubborn and not give into him.

Azar be damned...

Very slowly she allowed herself to roll over, but absolutely refused to look up at him. One, she knew she'd be able to see the pain on his features if she did... and two, she was already ashamed of how she had been acting.

Now facing him, she curled into his side. Maybe he'd take that as a silent apology? Maybe? If she was lucky?

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 02:02 am (UTC)(link)
"I love you... you know that, correct?"

Her voice just barely broke over the harsh silence. His emotions were getting to be too much for her, and she had to wonder if he knew the level it affected her at. He could get his way with almost anything if he threw the proper emotions at her, the ones that would make her crack and fold to his will.

"More than anything."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 02:08 am (UTC)(link)
She let that cut-off sentence sink in, and what emotions he was giving off at the time it was said. ... Okay. She had to stop this. This wasn't at all fair to him, and it was starting to have some backlash.

Very slowly she sat up, still against him, and tucked her chin onto his shoulder with a heavy sigh of her own.

"... it's okay, Arnold. Best to get it over with..."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 02:26 am (UTC)(link)
"Yet it will eat you alive and will eventually cause some sort of resentment. I know you."

She was in no hurry to pull away, or even move closer. The way they were sitting now was just fine - being close without being all over one another. How was she going to face this without there being another argument? No matter how she tried to phrase it in her mind, it always seemed to lead to that point.

... oh well.

"... so it's okay."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 02:43 am (UTC)(link)
That resentment was enough to make her pull away. A couple of inches of breathing room between them seemed so sweet right now, just to work as a buffer against any more of those lines. ... although she knew she deserved it.

"Because... you seem to think what I believe is wrong... or... is a bad thing for me to believe." she grimaced a bit as the words came out.

"I'd like this to be something I can believe without people telling me I'm wrong."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 02:55 am (UTC)(link)
"No, not at all." she gave him a bit of a look out of the corner of her eye. ... well, he was trying, anyway, that was for sure. She had to appreciate that part of him, the part that wanted to reach out and help her, or at least get on her level with things.

"I've talked to other demons, I've spoken with people like Lucifer, who knows my father better than I even do. I'm honestly fine with not having a soul, I feel it's a bit overrated now, after having time to think about it. Not having one is a part of who I am, and I can't change that."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 03:10 am (UTC)(link)
"My human heritage has nothing to do with this, Arnold. The demonic part of me controlled whether or not I got a soul, and I don't have one. This allows me to stay here, just... shift to another form and still stay with those I care about. Why wouldn't I want that? It's something about my demonic half that I actually like, and I don't enjoy people trying to take that away from me."

But that got off point... a point that was already off point to begin with, but if Arnold wanted so badly to drag himself into this discussion, then so be it. In her mind, this had nothing to do with him, but he was making it about him. Again. One of his flaws that she loved him in spite of.

"I still believe you have a soul. I thoroughly believe everything I told you. Do I have a way of knowing for sure with you? No. However I do believe it's there."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 03:23 am (UTC)(link)
Rather than the mention of Joey being an enlightening moment, a rather dark, dangerous cloud settled in over her eyes, and most of the color drained from her face. She had tried desperately to forget about that tie, about how that further made her point obvious to her.
Now she had to face it head on.

"He... can possess intellectual beings." she tried to choose her words carefully, but only the initial set came out that way, as the emotional tear turned into a gap at just having to talk about this subject.
"... he was fine jumping into those with souls, all right? Just fine. What happened when he began to make that link with me? I've told you all about that. I've been nothing but disaster for him, Arnold."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 03:30 am (UTC)(link)
"Part of the way I was born. I'm part demon due to my father, and an extension of that is the lack of a soul, something I've been trying to accept about myself and turn into happiness so that I can stop disliking myself so much." every single word snapped off like an icicle broken from the limb of a tree.

"I can blame my father for everything in the world, but at the end of the day I am still a demon. I'm purified to make my own choices, but that doesn't change what I am. All of this nonsense about being incomplete, like I'm not enough precisely the way I am? It's not helping what I've tried so hard to achieve."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 03:37 am (UTC)(link)
"... you have a very unique way of showing it." her eyes had softened a bit, enough to let him see that she wasn't angry at him for what he was trying to do. The words pissed her off, that was all. "... I'm trying to love myself, Arnold. I need to learn to love myself for exactly who I am, not what you think I need to be."

She hadn't even realized how brutal and cold phrasing it like that was, it had just come out that way.

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 03:45 am (UTC)(link)
"... don't do that..." she breathed, closing her eyes for a moment before following him out of bed, and crossing the room to him without another thought about it.

"... this is why I don't talk to any of you boys about these things. None of you have the ability to understand where I'm coming from on this issue." she wrapped her arms around one of his, pressing her forehead to his shoulder.

"I don't want to upset you all with these things."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 03:56 am (UTC)(link)
"... come back to bed." she took a single step back, giving a little tug to his arm. "We'll work through this, just like everything else we've ever worked through."

She gave yet another tug on his arm, and a half-step back.

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 04:04 am (UTC)(link)
She smiled up at him, honestly happy to hear him say that in the face of an ongoing disagreement. Lifting herself up on tip-toe (a lack of high heels to even out more of their height to blame), she kissed him, then slipped back into bed, holding the blankets back for him to join her.

"I love you too, Arnold."

She tucked a bit of hair behind her ear.

"... and I promise, I'm not putting myself down when I talk about all of this stuff. I really am okay with it, I really do see it as a positive now that I've had time to think on it."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 04:19 am (UTC)(link)
Her shoulders shook in a soft laugh and she shook her head, unsure of what to say to that in particular.

"... if you want to put me on a pedestal, go ahead. I'll try not to get too uncomfortable about the entire thing." she nuzzled in closer, taking a deep breath.

"I... I need to stop trying to change you. I think that's what I'm doing, anyway. I keep telling you to stop doing certain things and that's not right. I do love you precisely the way you are."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 04:31 am (UTC)(link)
"That's more my problem than it is yours, Arnold. I can't wrap my head around why you feel it's so important to have a soul."

She went to lie back into the pillows, getting far more comfortable for a less... angry... version of the very same discussion. Who knows... maybe it'd get them somewhere?

"If I did have a soul, I would have gone to some sort of afterlife once I died. I wouldn't be here with you."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 04:40 am (UTC)(link)
The look on her face read 'yeah okay' like nothing else, but she gave in, just shaking her head as she rested her body against the warmth of his. Better to disagree and be cuddly than argue and storm about like they were, that was for sure.

"Just..." she sighed once more, wanting to bring up so many more points - how it made her immortal in a way, how the trade-off was her powers that had saved her and many others quite a few times...

"... okay."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 04:51 am (UTC)(link)
"I didn't mean to upset you either, so I think we're about even there." she smirked up at him, twisting a bit of his hair with her fingers. She did it for much the same reason...

"Are there any other topics like this we should get out in the open now, before it explodes?"

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 05:02 am (UTC)(link)
"Arnold, I'm serious!" she laughed out, utterly charmed by that fake accent he had put on for her.

"And you wouldn't have to worry, I'd be far too horrified you were going to one of those rallies. I wouldn't tell a soul, rather pretend I didn't know you for a few days after."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 05:17 am (UTC)(link)
Well he had pretty much summed up her feelings right there, enough to make her laugh a bit more, and even go as far as to kiss his forehead.

"It is a bit like that, I try to avoid it altogether if I can, and I'm from this country, technically."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 05:41 am (UTC)(link)
No need to steal a kiss after a silly little line like that, she directly kissed him this time, beaming a smile at him as she pulled back.

"I love you too. ... I'm very sorry for how I was acting earlier, it was immature."

[identity profile] darkprophecies.livejournal.com 2010-05-11 05:54 am (UTC)(link)
Now she allowed herself to curl up the way she did most nights, right up against his side where no matter when she woke up, she'd feel the security of him there. He'd probably never know how much of a comfort that was to her.

"I forgive you too."

Was it really that easy to just... make up? Near-constant arguing with Gar for Azar-only-knew-how-long had made her wary to the entire argument process.