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capeandcowllogs2011-03-06 12:47 pm
loveyourenemy.livejournal.com) wrote in capeandcowllogs2011-03-06 12:47 pm
Entry tags:
you're neither friend nor foe
WHO: Jonah Matsuka (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
loveyourenemy), Keith Anyan (prodigitalson), and Kurama (gardenerthief)
WHERE: Superjail
WHEN: Sunday
SUMMARY: Matsuka finally works up the nerve to see Keith, with some moral support from Kurama.
WARNINGS: Terrangst.
FORMAT: Para.
The prison is an uncomfortable place for a Mu. It simmers with unpleasant emotions, leaving Matsuka tense and anxious, and he's already very glad that he asked Shuichi to come with him; if he were on his own, his resolve might already have failed him. But he's made up his mind - he's never going to understand what's happened to Keith, or what it means for him, until he sees Keith in person. And to do that, he had to come here.
His hands clench at his sides with the effort of not wrapping his arms around himself, and he tries not to shiver.
loveyourenemy), Keith Anyan (prodigitalson), and Kurama (gardenerthief)WHERE: Superjail
WHEN: Sunday
SUMMARY: Matsuka finally works up the nerve to see Keith, with some moral support from Kurama.
WARNINGS: Terrangst.
FORMAT: Para.
The prison is an uncomfortable place for a Mu. It simmers with unpleasant emotions, leaving Matsuka tense and anxious, and he's already very glad that he asked Shuichi to come with him; if he were on his own, his resolve might already have failed him. But he's made up his mind - he's never going to understand what's happened to Keith, or what it means for him, until he sees Keith in person. And to do that, he had to come here.
His hands clench at his sides with the effort of not wrapping his arms around himself, and he tries not to shiver.
no subject
He brought this upon himself, though, so he doesn't resist.
Which is how he ends up in the open visitation room once more, this time with a chair. He hasn't been told who's coming to see him, but he finds himself hoping against hope that it's Matsuka. Unfair, he knows. And he's also a little afraid, because he doesn't know what he could possibly say to Matsuka. But he wants to see him.
Keith sits, his hands folded on his lap, his expression weary but composed, and he waits. He doesn't look like a threat. He looks tired and just a little hopeful.
Nor does he feel like a threat. His mental shields are still down, and uncertainty and loneliness seethe off him.
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Kurama had heard of Keith Anyan. Had seen the mark of his hand on Matsuka. Had seen his shadow in the eyes of Soldier Blue, and his wreckage in Leo's still-healing form. Kurama did not like what he had seen.
He did, however, like Matsuka, and it was for Matsuka that he was here. He was calm. His mind was carefully free of anything other than simple observation of their setting, and confidence in his friend.
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For a moment he feels like he's having trouble breathing.
"I'm sorry," he says, shakily, to Shuichi, taking a few moments to steady himself and to find some reassuring in the calm clarity of the other's mind. "I just--"
He braces himself visibly before he makes himself cross the remaining distance and step into the room where Keith is waiting.
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Matsuka.
The name vibrates off his mind like a sprung trap, snapping with pain, regret, and longing. But nothing closes in his mind after that cry. It's still open.
Keith stands, his expression unreadable--for once not by design, but simply because he can't imagine how to express everything he's feeling. Dissonance radiates off him as he finds himself looking down at Matsuka instead of up. It doesn't seem right. Matsuka is above him, beckoning him onwards. That's how Keith remembers him now.
He should say something. What should he say?
"I'm glad you came." His voice is gentle but firm, not quite hesitant, because he puts so much thought into deciding his words before he speaks. "You weren't under any obligation to."
HELLO I AM SORRY MY DAY WAS CRAZY
Fortunately, there was a deep dark forest in his mind where strange things could hide.
Hiding that thing made it difficult to pay attention to. Kurama would later go over the scene in his mind again and again, knowing that he was missing something, but unsure of what it was. In the moment, all he could do was murmur and watch.
"You can leave any time. Your friends are waiting."
it is okay, it happens!
But this is different. After a moment of hesitation, and a glance sidelong towards Shuichi at his murmured reassurance, he shakes his head.
"I had to come," he says quietly, watching Keith with the anxious wariness of a prey animal watching a predator. Even with Keith's mind laid bare as it is, he still can't help but wait for the blow to land, for the trap to spring closed for real. "I'll never understand, otherwise."
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Could Keith ever have been that sort of person? He doesn't know. He's not sure he'll ever get the chance to find out.
He looks back at Matsuka. His eyes are so much gentler now, but also lost--lost in a way he always refused to show before. "I was waiting for you to come," he says. "Even though it would have been better if you'd stayed away, with your friends." He smiles slowly, wearily. "I'm still selfish. I'm still...inadequate." He knows he needs to tell Matsuka what happened. It was one thing with Blue, to simply push the memories onto him--Blue is Soldier, and it's his place to understand the sacrifices his people have made from the inside out. But he owes it to Matsuka to put what happened into words, and yet it's impossibly hard to do so.
Helplessly, he reaches for his old self and pulls the veneer back onto him like a cape. It fits badly. No matter how he tries to harden his expression and turn his eyes back into steel, his mind is still open, the pain and uncertainty still rolling off it. "Matsuka. Listen closely." Dissonance, again: the contrast between his flat, hard words, spoken like he once might have, and the emotion beneath them. "You are dead in the world we come from. You fell saving me from another Mu. You could have joined him to kill me. But you chose to save me instead."
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The order in Keith's voice, Kurama could have done without, but he recognized it as Keith simply falling back on something comfortable and known, in the face of an uncomfortable and uncertain presence. Those could not have been easy words to say.
Although if this man was surprised at Matsuka's actions, then he truly did not understand the Mu at all.
no subject
"I'm--" Being told so bluntly, he can't quite get his head around it. How is anyone supposed to react to hearing, 'you died'?
"...that's what you meant," he murmurs, numbly. "When you said that I saved you." If he'd thought about it clearly, perhaps he could have guessed. He'd saved Keith's life many times already, and his only reward had been to be called a monster. He'd wondered sometimes what it would take for Keith to recognize the truth.
Now he knows.
"That's what changed?"
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Keith doesn't look away from Matsuka. If he did, if he let his gaze stray to the floor or the wall or Kurama where the other man waits, then he wouldn't be able to look back. And he knows he needs to. There are still things that need to be said. That's what changed, Matsuka asks, but it's not that simple.
His cold composure slips quietly away. His eyes are warm and his heart is confused but grateful; an awkward, uncertain smile tugs at his mouth. "You chose not to let me die. Everything was different after that. I had to choose, too."
There's so much more he should say about what it all meant. But his throat is closing up, and he still doesn't remember how to cry. He searches for something else to say instead, something that won't make him feel this strange kind of pain. "You asked me several times now. Why I spared your life when we first met. Since the last time you asked, I've tried to understand." It doesn't hurt so much now, because he's thinking of how he understands, and the knowledge is enough to make him a little happier. "Matsuka. You said then that you couldn't accept Terra in your heart as all the others did. That was why I didn't kill you. For the first time in my life, there was another human being--"
(It's unconscious, now, his acceptance of the Mu as human. Because it was always there; he merely denied it for the sake of appearances.)
"--who understood that we were alone, without a real home to return to. I didn't want to give that up. I was tired of being alone."
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Such a complete transformation required great trauma.
((Sorry - I'm getting notifs for everyone BUT Kurama, it seems. :/ ))
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"But..." he says softly, "...once we came here... you didn't have to go on being alone like that." He can't quite bring himself to ask why, because he knows how heavy Grand Mother's hand was, and how hard to shake off - but still...
Why did it have to take so long? The question is on his tongue, but he can't ask it. Why did it take so much?
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But he's not quite smiling himself, because the unspoken question weighs heavily on him. All the time he wasted, the whole life he regrets. "I wanted to stop. And so it was more important than ever that I didn't." Because wanting was bad, or so he thought then.
He closes his eyes. He can't express his thoughts honestly and simply. They become too tangled up in his mouth if he tries. So he reaches for a metaphor. "I knew I was in a cage. I didn't know I had the key."
He doesn't really mean it to be accusatory, though it can't really help but sound that way.
"I also..." His voice trails off helplessly. He feels like he should be happy... isn't this what he wanted?
He's not sure.
"...What do you want from me?" It comes out in a whisper.