capeandcowllogs | the bittersweet between my teeth.

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the bittersweet between my teeth.

WHO: diamond lil and hank mccoy.
WHERE: the institute.
WHEN: the day after lil's showdown with hooded justice.
WARNINGS: lil's a cranky canadian.
SUMMARY: these two people have somehow avoided meeting each other until now.
FORMAT: quick brown fox.

[ she doesn't know what she's doing there really, except that she has no where else to go. maybe she's looking for a fight. it's diamond lil -- she's probably looking for a fight. not that it doesn't seem like she'd already had more than her share of fights. she's sporting an impressive black eye, a split lip, and who knows what other bruises and bumps she's hiding under the unusually modest combination of leggings and a loose sweater. it's an unusual sight. lil can remember only one other time she's ever bled, and the memory makes her gut clench. being invulnerable makes her unaccustomed to pain and injury.

she isn't coping well.

she'd rather have the familiar bitter hurt of arguing with her husband. maybe that's why she's at the institute, lingering at the entrance to the basement. she's absently thumbing at the cut in her lip in an agitated way, trying to decide whether or not she has the self-control to just turn around and leave. ]

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[He leans away from her, struck by how obviously bad he's worsened this conversation.] I'm not trying to lecture you.

[Snapping off a glove, he takes off his glasses to rub at his eyes, leaning an elbow against one of the side tables. Suddenly, he looks very tired.]

But you're right. I don't understand.

I'm only trying to.

[ she stops, tensing a little like she's only just realized that she snapped. her self-control's been eroding away gradually -- worse so, lately. she feels so manic. she didn't mean to snap at him, and the realization seems to drain a little of her energy.

even though she wears a tough expression on her face, lil glances away. it's with a bitter resentfulness that she responds: ]

What's there t'understand? I'm just the crazy wife, comin' 'round and harassin' my husband when he don't even wanna have a damn thing t'do with me anymore.

[Lil, let's be real here. You're not the one Hank's worried is crazy.]

Or putting herself in a position to be similarly harassed. I think there's a lot to be understood there, because there's so much that isn't readily apparent.

He's all you have left? But you aren't without options, either. You don't have to put yourself through this, do you?

[ she looks at him again when he asks her that question, eyebrows pinching. she feels a little flutter of distress in her gut, like the question itself is difficult for her to stomach. ]

What else am I s'posed t'do?

You have a life here. [As opposed to back home.] How would you have wanted to spend it, if you had the choice?

[ there's a long pause.

then, finally: ]

With Maddie.

[He lets out a sigh, rising back to his feet.]

And assuming that isn't an option?

What the hell am I supposed t'say, Hank?

[ she sounds frustrated. it's probably a little sick that she's that fixated. but it's not like she and madison were ever especially healthy to begin with -- not all those years ago, and not now. ]

There has to be something more you want out of life. If there isn't, then maybe there needs to be. Haven't you ever had any sort of dream? Before Alpha Flight and any of that?

[It's not exactly easy to give someone answers for their own life. At best he can provide a guiding hand, but if it's to be for her, she'll need to fill in the blanks herself.]

If nothing else, I think you should keep your distance from him. It isn't doing either of you any good, and he's... You need a better support system than he can provide.

[ it's hard to remember life before alpha flight, before she put on her costume for the first time. she was nobody back then, just a waitress from the canadian boonies. after that, her life became a series of terrible events -- the kind you'd have to be tough as nails to survive. and survive she did.

at length, with an unusual hint of tiredness: ]

I used t'want t'just live quiet, y'know? Maybe have some kids or somethin'. Like normal people. I ain't a hero, Hank, and I ain't sure I ever really wanted t'be one all that bad.

[ a beat. she tries one more time: ]

I just wanna see him, s'all.

Not now. Not like this. [He wipes his glasses down before replacing them on his nose again. Much as he'd like to, he can't fix all of their problems, but he can at least act as an obstacle for today.] I think you've suffered enough pain for one day already.

[ she isn't the type of woman that responds well to being told no -- not normally, and it almost seems like she's about to take it badly now too, with the way her face gets defensive and a little upset. but after a moment, something about the last half of what hank says -- something selfish in her, that somehow feels a little cared about-- it makes her a little more willing not to fight back.

the tension doesn't leave her shoulders, but the confrontational, angry urge dies down.

instead, after a pause: ]

How is he?

Edited 2013-03-30 18:01 (UTC)

[How is Madison really? It's a good question, but one Hank isn't necessarily equipped or in a position to answer. Neither is he sure that he should voice the true extent of his fears, either.]

He's seen better days. I think he may be under a great deal of strain lately.

[ lil purses her lips again. ]

'Cause a'me? Or 'cause a'her?

Edited 2013-03-31 15:20 (UTC)

[Hank isn't inclined to blame either girl, but he still has one piece of information lingering on his mind.]

I'm sure you had a reason to leave him for Cross.

I didn't --

[ she makes a frustrated sound, lifting a hand to drag her fingers impatiently through her hair. ]

I told him I was sorry. It didn't matter -- he was still goddamn disgusted, and he left.

That's his problem. [But it being such a big one, it's becoming all of theirs, as well.]

I didn't ask to accuse, I was simply hoping to hear your thoughts on it. Yours, directly from the source.

I've already dealt with enough speculation from every side, I think it's time someone gave you the opportunity to tell your side of the story.

[ she eyes him like she isn't sure she believes the idea of someone not wanting to accuse her, but. when was the last time someone asked for her side of the story anyway? when was the last time someone -- including herself -- wasn't jumping at the chance to blame her?

she exhales. ]

I ain't proud a'what I did. But I was goddamn lonely. An' I could tell -- he practically had t'force himself t'touch me. He kept sayin' he still loved me, but he never wanted t'be around me.

[ resentfully: ]

There's that goddamn bot, too.

[That really isn't far at all from what he guessed it would have been. It wasn't exactly a conundrum that would give the likes of Poirot any pause either, of course, not for someone who's already spoken with Madison about her. Not for someone who knew what was going on between him and Danger before she'd arrived.

The guilt, however, is something he hadn't guessed at. Madison still has that tether, unfortunately.]

In a similar situation, I doubt anyone wouldn't. Was it really wrong of you to want someone who would care about you the way you needed when the person who should have wouldn't? [And Cross did care, damn his absence. He cared more than he wanted to, from the way it sounded when Hank last talked to him.] Maybe it's not something to be proud of, but you shouldn't be ashamed, either. It isn't all on your head.

[ the little rush of emotion she feels is unexpected. something loosens, ever so slightly, inside the tightness of her chest. she and hank aren't close, not by any means, but there's something -- something about being told not to be ashamed, that it isn't all her fault -- that takes a small weight off her shoulders. she isn't sure she believes it entirely (there are days she swings violently from blaming herself to blaming madison and back again), but it helps.

lil rubs her own upper arms absently, glancing away. ]

Thanks, Hank.

I didn't say it just to make you feel better, I said it because it's true.

[That isn't really true at all, so why even say it? To remove the messenger from the equation? If he makes it sound more objective, maybe she'll be more likely to believe it.]

You do deserve a to be around more people who care about you. You need a better support network, especially in a time like this.

[ she wants to believe it, she does. but that doesn't make it much easier to. in fact, it makes her feel a little bit lonely. hank's words have calmed her enough to really think this situation through, and it's sad, really, that the only person she thinks she can turn to right now is the husband that's been avoiding her.

she exhales a depressed huff of a laugh, burying her face in her hands. muffled: ]

God, I need t'make more friends. I ain't got anybody.

It's not always easy, getting used to a new place like this, a new life. The first step is always the hardest.

[Tentatively, he rests a hand on her shoulder with a weak smile.] I'm willing to help, as I can.

Y'don't gotta feel sorry for me, Hank.

[ she says that, but she doesn't brush his hand off. it's probably the most ordinary, comforting touch she's had from another person in a long, long time. ]

[His eyebrows raise and his shoulders lift in a slight shrug.]

I'd like to think there's more to compassion than mere pity. It's not what I've "got to" to, but I do think it would be the right thing.

But you don't have to accept, either.

[ she pauses, turning her head towards him and considering him a long moment. they don't really know each other particularly well, but she seems pretty sure of this one thing when she finally speaks: ]

You're a good man, Hank.

[ another small beat ]

Look after my stupid husband for me, 'kay?

I can do the best I'm able to. [But how far that will go is something he's increasingly uncertain of. It's getting to the time where they'll have to have a talk about where things are, where they'll be going. He's not really looking forward to it.]

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the bittersweet between my teeth.

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