capeandcowllogs | HANS OLO AND YOU

WHO: hans olo (

carbonite) and you!
WHERE: by warehouses and on the docks ; various
WHEN: late sunday night
WARNINGS: it's han solo
SUMMARY: han is just skulking around at an appropriate time of night being completely appropriate.
FORMAT: quick to start!

(People were starting to take notice that Han was coming back and forth between some unknown location and this specific warehouse. Many had started to wonder what was in this warehouse, what could possibly be hidden in this very mysterious warehouse indeed?

No, that was a joke. No one really cared that inside one of these warehouses sat the Millennium Falcon. And really, why would they? But Han, always thinking the best of his ship, would assume that people would automatically want to know about her. So, he thought of the worst disguise possible: tighter pants, button down that was open just enough to be revealing, horn rims and a fedora. Perfect, right? The name Hans Olo couldn't even begin to cover his brilliant plan.

Han's around town, picking up things for the Falcon and completely weighing the decision of being an adult and taking care of the Carrier and being down on Earth just in case Jenny needs anything. Like a pro, of course.)

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[Bender is, coincidentally, also scavenging on this beautiful night. However, his scavenging finds are mostly long, metal bars of all shapes and sizes that he's hefting around in his arms. Whenever he approaches a promising site, he drops the bars with a horrendous;y loud clunk and roots around.]

(Oh, it's Bender. Since he's really high on Han's you're annoying and I'm going to avoid you list, he's going to try and avoid him as much as possible.

But this is also Han and being stealthy is not his best trait. Plus, Bender is by some scrap metal that he needs.)

Hay Buddeh. (that is a terrible Swedish accent, and Han isn't even ashamed of himself.)

Oh, great! Another Swede after my metal!

[He turns around angrily, gesturing at the stack of metal bars dumped on the floor.]

This is my metal, buddy. I'm sure Scandinavia has plenty of metal as it is!

A Swed- (wait, that might be him, right?)

Well, we Swedes need our metal. So, just hand some scrap metal over?

Over my dead body!

[He pulls out an iron bar, gives it a quick check, and dumps it with the rest.]

I'm a robot, y'see. I need metal. You don't. Ergo, I get the metal.

You building someone else that can put up with you? (well, that was quick for him to mess up.

a recovery is needed.)

Ya?

[Luckily, Bender is quite stupid. He's starting to get a little suspicious, however.]

It's none of your business, whatever your name is.

You shouldn't hog all the scrap metal. Some of us have to reinforce things like hulls and replace parts that they stole.

(not that it's him of course.)

Yeah, and some people have to bend stuff. You ever think of that?

Right, because some of us actually have to something productive and we wouldn't want that would we, buckethead?

Buckethead? Why, I oughta-

[He starts to pull up his arms, trying to be threatening.]

Wait. Hold on.

[He pauses.]

Don't I know you from somewhere?

(oh shit, he's been found out. he straightens his scarf out, putting on that accent to hide his true identity.)

I don't make it a habit to argue with robots over metal!

(... except that really is his life.)

Now, hand over that metal.

[Bender's suspicions quickly fade again.]

Make me!

I could just shoot you, ya? (that seems pretty easy.)

That's threatening language!

You're threatening my supply. (what else is he supposed to do?)

[He just stares at the mysterious stranger for a few seconds.]

I'll trade you the bars for money.

Or I could take 'em for free. (not that he'd really shoot, but come on, who pays for scrap metal?)

I don't even know if you have a gun!

I could have a gun, but I'm a pacifist.

Unfortunately for you, I just might be pending for a little Swedish bending!

[He rolls up the coverings of his arms like you would roll up sleeves, standing in a threatening stance.]

(Any pretense for being polite is thrown out the window with those fighting words. Sadly, that also means the fake accent.)

I'd like to see you try, you bag of bolts!

Well-

[Wait.]

Hey! It's you!

Who? Who am I? I'm just -

(ah, forget it.)

What're you gonna do about it?

What would you need scrap metal for? Building your jerk machines?

Why would I build you a buddy, buddy?

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

[In his most hysterical voice:]

Because I don't care!

[And now he lifts up all of his metal bars from the ground with a loud grunt.]

Because I have the metal bars!

Oh, I'm so scared. Are you going to bend at me to death?

(but Han has a secret weapon. it's touching things and being an overall cheat. so that's in his corner.)

[The metal bars are blocking his front vision, so he spins around to reveal the eyes on the back of his head.]

I've bent lesser men!

And I've turned lesser droids to scrap metal. Your choice, buddy.

(oh dude, you're so getting frozen.)

Bite my shiny metal ass, skintube!

[And he wiggles his ass to demonstrate.]

I have never seen a hunk of junk in such bad shape.

(don't kick him, don't kick - oh, kicking is happening.)

[And Bender topples over onto the ground, sending the metal bars down as well with a loud thump.]

Hey!

[He's quick to get back on his feet though.]

That was assault!

If I assaulted you, you wouldn't be able to get up.

(there's a challenge in his voice- you want to go again??)

HANS OLO AND YOU

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