i must have left a thousand times

[gevurah]

WHO: HELENA and KATE
WHERE: Helena's home.
WHEN: after this.
WARNINGS: angst, most likely.
SUMMARY: sadness...
FORMAT: quick to start.


[ True to her word, Kate hadn't dawdled on her way over to Helena's. Damian was gone and it sparked worry as usual; the last time he disappeared he wound up --

Well, it was best not to think about that right now. Not when Helena herself is a trained detective and could read Kate's body language if she focused on it too much.

Parking is never easy to find in this city, but she manages to slip into a small spot and she moves quickly toward Helena's place and rings the doorbell. She takes a deep breath, preparing herself for what is probably going to be a long night and talk.

These things are never easy. ]

Comments

[amiga]

[Damian was the only thing on Helena's mind. Okay, that wasn't quite the truth, since she was thinking about her mother now, of her father, of Dick, and of everyone lost to her over the years. Damian was just the latest in a string of people gone, but never forgotten, the latest name on a list of people who haunted and continued to pull at her mind.

Sadness has never been easy for her to deal with. She gets moody. She gets depressed. She's the type torn between pure rage and pure devastation, with the deep need to put on a facade and hide everything away. But there's no one to talk to now, no one to work through the sorrow with. Now she has only Kate, and crying to her just doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem fair to burden her with all that grief, not when their relationship is so new. Helena doesn't want to spoil everything simply because she couldn't be like her father and keep it locked away to put to good use later.

But she wants to see Kate, and she knows she's going to cry. So when she hears the bell, she buzzes Kate in and meets her in the doorway. She may be a trained detective, an ace lawyer, and a superhero, but right now she's hurting. Badly.]

[gevurah]

[ She's braced herself for whatever it is Helena may say when the door is swung open, but then she sighs upon seeing her in person and the obvious upset in her eyes. Kate can be terrible at words, but damn if she isn't going to be supportive for her own girlfriend.

She steps inside and reaches a hand for the side of Helena's face. Her touch is warm and gentle. ]

I got here as fast as I could.

[amiga]

[Helena is certainly capable of disguising her emotions and projecting an image of collected togetherness, but once Kate's hand brushes her cheek, she finds it all but impossible to keep her composure. Facade be damned, she's aching inside and she almost breaks down right there.]

Oh, Kate.

[gevurah]

[ She could ask if Helena wants to start looking in places Damian frequents. Call Nill and ask, call his other friends, check around the building again for clues --

But she knows when it's clear someone's been ported out. She can sense it from Helena, even when she doesn't have to say it.

She exhales another sigh and her arm slips away from Helena's face to wrap around her. ]

I'm sorry.

[amiga]

[She stays there frozen, though not frigid. While she craves affection, it's still strange to her that she's in a relationship that allows for it. Part of her is so happy and grateful that she has someone to turn to, but the other part is dreading what will happen when Kate goes away.]

I'm alone again. [Except for Jason. Should she count Jason? Did she count him? Yes, she did, but things were different with them. Losing him might not hurt the same way losing Damian did.]

[gevurah]

[ She squeezes lightly and pulls away to get a good look at Helena again. ]

You're not alone. Come on, let's sit down.

[amiga]

[Rather than argue over this point, she simply nods and leads the way to the sofa, collapsing onto the furniture with a sad sigh.]

I never knew my heart could break like this.

[gevurah]

[ Kate gently lowers herself, wrapping her arm around Helena's shoulder to let her lean in. ]

He's your brother. Worlds apart, maybe, but still family. It's natural.

[amiga]

[It's a long moment before Helena relaxes against Kate. Maybe too long, she'll realize, when she thinks about it later.]

It wasn't like this when my father left. Or my mother.

[Or Dick. Nothing had hurt her quite like this and she wasn't at all sure why.]

[gevurah]

[ "Really?" is on the tip of her tongue. However, Kate holds back from what's not a good question. She doesn't want to rile up Helena's defenses and make her feel as if she's been shamed for not having the same reaction when Bruce and Selina left. ]

You got to know Damian here, didn't you?

[amiga]

Yes. [She fidgets, dragging her gaze from an uninteresting spot on the floor to fix on Kate's knee. It seems a better place to look.] We were really getting close recently.

[gevurah]

It's never easy, even knowing they're finally getting to go back home. [ And she knows this isn't an option for Helena. It wasn't one for Vic either. ] He'll be alright, though; he's a tough kid.

[amiga]

You're right. [She knows Kate is, but it's hard to even speak it right now.] I should contact Jason. But I don't want him to gloat.

[gevurah]

Gloat? [ She can't help but make an unimpressed look. ] There's nothing to gloat about.

[amiga]

It's Jason. [She sighs. She loves her brothers, all of them, but they're not always decent with each other.]

[gevurah]

I'd say let him find out on his own, then. [ Maybe that was too cruel. Kate's always been a family first kind of woman, but all the ensuing drama caught up with them and she blames her father for most of it. ]

... You can tell him later. I don't think it's worth dealing with right now. [ She corrects herself. ]

[amiga]

[Hel nods, settling up against Kate. When she breathes in, her body shakes a little.]

I'm so sorry to dump all of this on you.

[gevurah]

Hey. [ Her hand slips under Helena's chin to gently lift it and look her in the eye. ] Don't be. This is what I'm here for.

[amiga]

[She stares into Kate's eyes, blinking back the emotions that are threatening to bubble up. Finally, she manages a smile.]

Thank you. It's hard for me to be like this. I... I've always depended on other people to get me through things like this, and I feel so weak and useless. I'm an adult and I can't even process my own feelings.

[gevurah]

Nobody would blame you.

It's just... you want to be happy they're back where they belong, but then you feel lonely. [ Kate's lost a lot of people over the year. She's more than thankful for Helena to anchor her down. If she had been ported out she's certain she would lose it for a time. ] It also takes time, babe.

[amiga]

[Time is something that Helena treasures. Everyday is a gift to her and she almost can't stand the thought of wasting a single day grieving-- which is of course at odds with her present emotional state.]

I'm glad he's home. He's got Dick there, he's got his whole life there waiting for him. He and I never should have had any of the time that we did. I suppose perhaps that's what makes it all hurt so much.

[gevurah]

[ She nods, a lot more understanding now. ]

For all you know, he could come back.

[amiga]

Yeah. [She thinks about Dick, about how much it hurt when he came back and couldn't recall her. But she pushes that aside.] I'm glad you're here, Kate. I needed this.

[gevurah]

[ Kate smiles and leans her figure against Helena's now, lending as much warmth as she can to the other woman. She tilts her head to plant a kiss on Helena's upper lip. ]

We'll get through this, Hel. You will.