Jack Bauer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
out_of_time) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
capeandcowllogs2013-07-13 12:01 pm
out_of_time) wrote in capeandcowllogs2013-07-13 12:01 pm
Entry tags:
No One’s Gonna Take Me Alive
WHO: Ned the Pie Maker, Jack Bauer, and the world’s most absurd NPC super-villain
WHERE: The Pie Hole
WHEN: The following takes place between 10PM and 11PM, backdated to Sunday the 7th. Events... don’t really occur in real time because backdating.
WARNINGS: Cartoon violence
SUMMARY: Having solved the mystery of who framed Ned for murder, Jack and Ned return to the Pie Hole for more evidence, only to be ambushed by Ned’s sinister arch-nemesis: the fiend who calls herself Pie Die.
FORMAT: Paragraph
The facts were these.
Ned the Pie Maker had been happily making pies in the Pie Hole one day when Walter McConkey, a man whose career was dedicated to criticizing said pies, fell over dead while eating one of them. The pie was found to be poisoned, and since Ned personally made all his pies, he was quickly arrested on suspicion of murdering one of his critics.
Ned’s friends did not approve of this at all, and they slipped him out of prison to use his unique talent to find the real killer, by bluffing their way into the morgue and having a brief chat with the deceased Mister McConkey. Thanks to the talking corpse, they learned the true killer was Vanessa Traeten, proprietor of the EarthCake shop and one of Ned’s unlucky rivals in the punnily-named baked goods business. While the police were notified to find Vanessa, Jack and Ned returned to the scene of the crime searching for evidence that the poisoned pie had in fact been planted.
It was the dead of night. The Pie Hole was dark and deserted. The crime scene tape had since been cleared away. Jack took the lead, approached the door, and frowned. “Something’s wrong,” he said. “The door’s already unlocked. And I think I hear something.” A clanking noise.
Ordinarily this would have been when Jack Bauer drew his gun, but right now Jack was not allowed to use guns in his work as part of his release conditions from NOHoPE (technically, he also was not allowed to help accused murderers clear their names, but Ned was a very good friend and Jack tended to make exceptions in cases like these). Instead, he drew his flashlight and shined it into the empty pie shop as he opened the door and stepped inside.
The clanking grew louder. Jack swept the light around the shop, and froze when it landed on an impossible figure standing atop one of the tables, hands on her hips. They were confronted by a doughy woman in her mid-forties with frizzy brown hair beginning to grey. She was wearing a poorly-fitting custard-yellow jumpsuit with matching (garden) gloves and (rain) boots. Her costume was covered with a sort of homemade strap harness attaching the many pie plates she was festooned with: smaller pie plates over her elbows and knees, larger plates on her chest and back, another atop her head as a sort of deranged helmet.
The plates were what clanked as she posed. It was improvised armour for a self-made supervillain. She also carried an open shoulder bag bulging with pie-themed weaponry. Behind the blue domino mask across her face, her eyes were black pits of madness. Madness baked in Hell itself. Jack recognized her from a photo- he had looked up their suspect before heading to the Pie Hole.
“Vanessa Traeten,” he breathed. Clearly Ned’s rival was more desperate than he had ever imagined. He pointed the flashlight with authority in absence of a gun. “Federal agent! Give it up Vanessa,” he ordered. “We know everything. You’re under arrest for the murder of Walter McConkey and for framing Ned. Show me your hands!”
The villain’s eyes widened, and she reached for one of the plates in her bag. “Vanessa?” She hissed. “There is no more Vanessa Traeten! There is only... PIE DIE!”
She hurled the plate like a Frisbee straight at Jack’s face. He had just enough time to think that this was the stupidest thing the City had ever inflicted on him before the metal pie plate struck his forehead and bounced off his skull, clattering on the floor next to the flashlight falling from Jack’s hands. His eyes glazed over and he slumped to the ground, out cold. Avenge him, Ned.
Pie Die pointed at Ned, snarling between her teeth. “Now you’re mine, Pie Maker. If I can’t put you in jail, I’ll put you in a coffin!”
WHERE: The Pie Hole
WHEN: The following takes place between 10PM and 11PM, backdated to Sunday the 7th. Events... don’t really occur in real time because backdating.
WARNINGS: Cartoon violence
SUMMARY: Having solved the mystery of who framed Ned for murder, Jack and Ned return to the Pie Hole for more evidence, only to be ambushed by Ned’s sinister arch-nemesis: the fiend who calls herself Pie Die.
FORMAT: Paragraph
The facts were these.
Ned the Pie Maker had been happily making pies in the Pie Hole one day when Walter McConkey, a man whose career was dedicated to criticizing said pies, fell over dead while eating one of them. The pie was found to be poisoned, and since Ned personally made all his pies, he was quickly arrested on suspicion of murdering one of his critics.
Ned’s friends did not approve of this at all, and they slipped him out of prison to use his unique talent to find the real killer, by bluffing their way into the morgue and having a brief chat with the deceased Mister McConkey. Thanks to the talking corpse, they learned the true killer was Vanessa Traeten, proprietor of the EarthCake shop and one of Ned’s unlucky rivals in the punnily-named baked goods business. While the police were notified to find Vanessa, Jack and Ned returned to the scene of the crime searching for evidence that the poisoned pie had in fact been planted.
It was the dead of night. The Pie Hole was dark and deserted. The crime scene tape had since been cleared away. Jack took the lead, approached the door, and frowned. “Something’s wrong,” he said. “The door’s already unlocked. And I think I hear something.” A clanking noise.
Ordinarily this would have been when Jack Bauer drew his gun, but right now Jack was not allowed to use guns in his work as part of his release conditions from NOHoPE (technically, he also was not allowed to help accused murderers clear their names, but Ned was a very good friend and Jack tended to make exceptions in cases like these). Instead, he drew his flashlight and shined it into the empty pie shop as he opened the door and stepped inside.
The clanking grew louder. Jack swept the light around the shop, and froze when it landed on an impossible figure standing atop one of the tables, hands on her hips. They were confronted by a doughy woman in her mid-forties with frizzy brown hair beginning to grey. She was wearing a poorly-fitting custard-yellow jumpsuit with matching (garden) gloves and (rain) boots. Her costume was covered with a sort of homemade strap harness attaching the many pie plates she was festooned with: smaller pie plates over her elbows and knees, larger plates on her chest and back, another atop her head as a sort of deranged helmet.
The plates were what clanked as she posed. It was improvised armour for a self-made supervillain. She also carried an open shoulder bag bulging with pie-themed weaponry. Behind the blue domino mask across her face, her eyes were black pits of madness. Madness baked in Hell itself. Jack recognized her from a photo- he had looked up their suspect before heading to the Pie Hole.
“Vanessa Traeten,” he breathed. Clearly Ned’s rival was more desperate than he had ever imagined. He pointed the flashlight with authority in absence of a gun. “Federal agent! Give it up Vanessa,” he ordered. “We know everything. You’re under arrest for the murder of Walter McConkey and for framing Ned. Show me your hands!”
The villain’s eyes widened, and she reached for one of the plates in her bag. “Vanessa?” She hissed. “There is no more Vanessa Traeten! There is only... PIE DIE!”
She hurled the plate like a Frisbee straight at Jack’s face. He had just enough time to think that this was the stupidest thing the City had ever inflicted on him before the metal pie plate struck his forehead and bounced off his skull, clattering on the floor next to the flashlight falling from Jack’s hands. His eyes glazed over and he slumped to the ground, out cold. Avenge him, Ned.
Pie Die pointed at Ned, snarling between her teeth. “Now you’re mine, Pie Maker. If I can’t put you in jail, I’ll put you in a coffin!”
no subject
With his elbow propped up under Jack's arm, he wanted to be sure the man could stand on his own before he let go. Pie Die would go to prison and he could return here, to his pie home. And EarthCake would be shut down. All was well with the world and Walter McConkey would be writing no more awful reviews for Ned.
He couldn't be happier, especially if Jack was in fact, all right.