capeandcowllogs | (no subject)

[Patience is a virtue Wally does not have and he could only wait so long for Dick to call him before he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Which is exactly why he's currently banging on the door of Dick's apartment.]

[Tim wouldn't bang and Bruce wouldn't knock at all so Dick knows it's not either of them when he hears the sound. He takes a look at the pasta sauce that's nearly ready before going to the door.

Wally was one of the possibilities but not the first one so he's a little surprised when he opens the door on him.]

Oh. [A beat.] Hey? [There's a small wave of guilt here for not having told Wally his address like he'd said he would. He was going to any day, now!]

Hi. [Before anything else can be said or perhaps before he could possibly get the door slammed in his face, Wally shoves an object into Dick's hands.] You forgot something.

[It's the frame with the tiger drawing and now that it has Dick's attention, Wally proceeds to move past him and into the apartment at super-speed to check it out.]

[He wasn't planning on slamming the door in Wally's face, at the very least, but he was trying to find a way out of this. 'I have something on the stove' would have been the truth, even.

But then Wally forces the drawing in his hand and he doesn't feel like doing anything anymore. He looks at it for a few seconds, remembering when Wally gave it to him, after he'd been ported out.

Because the Titans were his family, now. Because Wally was part of this, too.

He doesn't feel like it anymore. He feels like he betrayed them all and it would... probably be easier if they hated him for it, so he could move on. But they show up on his doorstep and show him he's still important and it hurts.]

Wally... [His voice is a bit raw, and he sighs.] I didn't forget it.

[Wally has his back to Dick when the younger boy speaks again, looking left and right as he scans the apartment, and it's a good thing too because for a small moment there's a pained expression on his face.

Wally knows Dick didn't forget it, knows the implications of leaving that drawing behind but he chooses to ignore it just like how he's going to ignore Dick just said it out loud and confirmed his suspicions.]

Nice digs.

[He turns and smiles at Dick though it's not the usual kind of smile that reaches his eyes and then he moves on to test the couch. He can pretend everything is fine, that what Dick is doing doesn't hurt.]

How did you even get an apartment on your own anyway? You're like, thirteen.

[The couch is nice, just like all the furniture, really, since it was Bruce who bought it all and got it in here.

Dick thought Wally would maybe ignore him and be in denial, and now that his suspicions are confirmed, he has a hard time deciding if it's better that way or not. Is it because Wally cares about him either way, or is it because he wouldn't care about him quite as much anymore and so he's going on as if nothing had happened?

Dick keeps standing, and leaves the drawing hanging by his side in his left hand for now.]

I'm fourteen next week. [As if that was an answer.]

[Wally is finding that out since he's bouncing on the couch a little. He's quite comfortable there.

All he wants is for things to go back the way they were - for Dick to stop blaming himself for stuff that really isn't his fault and pushing everyone away because of it - and he'll persist until Dick outright tells him to get out of his life.

Plus Dick has given no indication that he wants to talk about said stuff since Wally had to come find him so pretending things are normal seems like the best way to go about it.]

That's still too young. [He points out with fake cheer, the only thing betraying that it's fake is the sadness in his eyes that he can't hide.]

[Well... yeah, it is still young, but he knows he's old enough to take care of himself at the very least. And that he's going to have stalkers who will make sure he eats and doesn't burn down the place.]

It's not the first time I live by myself, you know.

[The first time was in-between Batmans. It was very different, as he wasn't alienating anyone and that Tim was very much present in his life at that point, but he was still taking care of himself then. And it was more than a year ago.]

I have fake IDs so it's 'legal' and... well not gonna lie, giving four months of down payment's totally what did the trick. [If Wally can fake everything is fine and smile without smiling, Dick can fake he doesn't see that everything is wrong.]

No, I didn't actually. And using fake IDs is hardly legal, they'd have to be stupid to--Four months!? [Just like that the cheerful chattering away is abruptly stopped and the act crumbles somewhat.

He used to be better at this before he became Kid Flash. Or no, that's a lie. He always had his head in the clouds but at least he could put on a convincing smile for his family when his parents prompted him to and keep it up for a while.

Maybe it's his newly acquired impatience since then or just the fact that it really surprises him Dick intends to stay away for at least four months.]

[Wally's denial apparently reached the point where Dick getting a place... didn't mean he would be living there for long in his head. Or that's what it looks like from his reaction.]

I'm supposed to sign the one-year lease next week, I'm just waiting for the landlord to get to it.

[He sighs again, looking away.] I moved out. Like -- moved out. [There's no other way to explain this.]

It's not because of you or because of anyone, it's because I want to. It's for myself. [He glances at Wally and smiles one of the fakest smiles ever.] You know my address now and all, you can pass by anytime.

['You're supposed to come back' he mutters under his breath before gritting his teeth to stop himself from saying anything else impulsively.

He stays quiet for a little while then, his expression serious and his mouth a tight line. The cheerful façade gone completely.

He glances away.]

Why? Was living at the Tower so unbearable? [He knows that's not it and there's more he wants to add to that but then he'd be mean and like his parents so he holds his tongue.]

That's not -- [He hates seeing Wally like this, especially when he can't do anything about it and that trying to explain would be hard. He doesn't need to hear Wally's mutter to know that this is exactly what he's been thinking all along.

He should at least try and give Wally an explanation.]

Everyone's at the Tower like you. They don't... you don't hold me responsible for anything but I'm getting nightmares from what was posted on the network. [Not just pictures, not just Wally looking panicked and holding a bleeding shoulder. Other things, too, like how his future-self had said suicide was the only other option.]

I still shot Batman and I still killed Damian, and going 'nah, Dick, it wasn't you' isn't helping [he's starting to sound a little angry] because it was me and it just looks like everyone's ignoring that part. That it's still okay for me to be there if I agree and, I don't know, accept that yeah, none of this was me, no problem.

It's bullshit denial.

[The more Wally listens, the angrier he gets. Why doesn't Dick understand? It's just frustrating seeing a friend put themselves into a state of misery that is entirely undeserved.

He stands up, unable to keep sitting on the couch while feeling so agitated.] But it wasn't! No one's ignoring that. We care about you and everyone is worried. Don't you understand?

For every decision we make, there's a universe out there where we made a different choice. I'm sure there's some universe out there where I'm an evil jerk but I can't hold myself responsible for something they have done. That's like blaming yourself for something a complete stranger did!

It's not denial. We just can't forgive you for something you've never even done.

[He pauses briefly, uncertain whether that will get the point across he's trying to make. Flailing angrily might not help so he tries a different approach too.]

Tell me, do you blame Tim for what his possible future self did?

[It's never going to be easy, is it? He can see Wally's getting irritated and Dick's defense mechanism is to close off even more. He presses his lips seriously, and keeps all emotions deep down.

He doesn't want to seem sad or broken up, and he doesn't want to scream, so going with a matter-of-fact tone of voice and making everything sound like it's just the way it is is the best solution.]

It's not the same. This guy wasn't an alternate possible whatever from some other universe. I knew before all this happened that this was my future.

[He doesn't wait for Wally to react before he's raising the frame he was still holding, handing it to him. See. You were wrong. Now you know. Take the drawing before running out.]

Edited 2010-03-14 18:30 (UTC)

[Wally refuses to take the drawing and folds his arms over his chest, at the same time keeping himself from punching Dick in the face like he's tempted to. He keeps What would Barry do? in his mind and it helps him not resort to violence.

He's kind of wishing his mentor was here. He'd know exactly what to say to make Dick feel better, he'd managed to give Wally hope when things seemed hopeless after all. If anyone could do it, it would be good ol' Barry.]

One thing, [he starts, rapidly thinking of all the stuff Tim told him.]

When the Porter send you back that one time, did you remember us? Did you know Batman was treating you like crap or did you love him?

[He keeps holding the drawing up, moving it a little to show he still wants Wally to just. Take it.]

It's not a constant. Some people leave and come back and remember and some don't.

[He's starting to have a hard time keeping up with the straight face. He knows Wally is trying to help and he knows he's maybe right to a certain extent, but --]

The guy who stabbed you was still me. And I knew he existed and I could have stopped it if I'd... talked to someone. Batman. So he could plan contingencies. I didn't, because I wanted to believe I could change this, and... [see how it ended?.

His next breath is harder to take in and he glances away.]

[Wally takes the drawing and then puts it down on the couch so it's no longer being waved around in his face.]

But you remembered. You've already changed your future. He was an alternate.

Besides, we all have things we don't want other people to know about. No one's going to blame you for that and even if someone had known, there's no way we could have known for sure he could be stopped.

[A beat.] If anyone is going to get blamed for being unable to stop him, it would probably be me but that's besides the point.

[Sure, telling people about it might not have changed anything, they didn't know about the powers his future self had, for example, so planning anything without that info would have been very hard, but they'll never know if not hiding it all could have stopped Dick from hurting people since he hadn't.

And the last part of Wally's statement... this takes Dick aback and his eyes widen, killing the vestige of the poker face completely.]

What?

[He looks hurt, now. He doesn't want people blaming themselves for getting stabbed in the shoulder!] What do you mean? None of this was your fault!

[Wally was hoping Dick wouldn't go into that, he never told anyone about his own guilty feelings and he hadn't planned to either but oh well.

He's still looking at Dick but now without making eye contact. The way he speaks next is as if he's stating a fact like saying the Eiffel Tower is in Paris. There's no emotion behind it.]

I was the first to come across him and if I had stopped him then a lot of things wouldn't have happened. [He moves a hand through his hair out of habit.]

But I got scared and I ran when I shouldn't have.

Wally... Christ. [He takes a step toward his friend without thinking about it, but stops moving any closer when he realises what he's doing.]

This was a guy who managed to kill or maim three Bats. [Admitting this isn't exactly happy happy stuff.] He'd just stabbed you twice. He had super-strength and some really crazy regeneration.

He'd... I could have killed you. I'm glad you ran away when you could and seriously have no idea how you would have stopped me.

[He does briefly glance back up when Dick takes a step closer and then stops himself but drops his gaze just as quickly again.

It was a guy who had managed to kill or maim three Bats because he had let him get away. The guilt of that doesn't show on his face but there's a certain tension in his shoulders like he's trying to keep himself from hunching.]

I'm not. Heroes aren't supposed to get scared and run away. [Flash wouldn't. Although he has no idea how he could have stopped the Joker-wannabe either but...]

If I can run back and forth in time and save an entire planet from an alternate universe, I can stop one guy.

[Dick has no answer to that, because he gets how Wally is feeling and he also understands that Wally can't be the only one blaming himself. He know Bruce must be, and Tim, too. Tim probably blames himself for everything that happened including being tortured which is really ridiculous but... it's nearly normal. It was expected.

Wally blaming himself, however, wasn't something Dick thought would happen. He doesn't have that screwed up batlogic that makes him brood in a corner and think about everything that he could have changed or done better.

Clearly, that doesn't stop him from thinking about it anyway.]

Was it the first time you got hurt? It takes a ton of training and practice to be able to think through difficult situations and staying and fighting... it's not always the best solution.

It doesn't make you a coward to run away, y'know. If you were freaking out, it couldn't have helped with... just thinking about what to do. I don't think you could have stopped me. Him. [It had taken more than one try for Batman to, after all.] And it's better that you got away to warn people than stayed and gotten killed.

[Wally isn't one to brood away in the corner but he does blame himself for some things, or think that he could have done better. He just doesn't let it get to him. Thinking endlessly about it isn't going to help, he knows this. What happened, happened and can't be changed. Wally can deal with that and move on.

Sometimes the feelings just linger a little while.

He hesitates but nods at the question about getting hurt. It was his first time getting seriously hurt like that but that doesn't mean it can be used as an excuse. He's not like everyone else. Not anymore. He's stronger. Or supposed to be anyway.

No matter what Dick says running still feels cowardly even though running is all he's really good for.]

Still. [He shrugs nonchalantly and that's all he has to say about that.] Anyway, this isn't about me.

No. [He's suddenly way more decisive now than he was a little earlier. He doesn't want Wally to feel that way and he's going to work on this until he doesn't. He's not letting Wally dismiss this issue so fast.]

Not 'still' and no to everything else. This wasn't your fault, and I don't care what you're thinking but I totally forbid you to think any of this was your fault. Ever. [Yup, this is totally lacking arguments. But he believes it very hard, and therefore it's true and that's that.]

I know there's nothing I can say that'll just make you change your mind so I'm going to repeat myself until I brainwash you into agreeing with me. This wasn't your fault.

[Wally finally meets Dick's eyes and cocks his head to the side, his lip curling a little into a grin though it's lacking humour. There is a vague air of amusement about him but it's mostly sadness.]

Hypocrite. [He snorts.]

Maybe now you understand how I'm feeling. [He sure hopes Dick does. At least he did something which deserves some blame and Wally can completely accept that but Dick hasn't done anything wrong. That's what he himself vehemently believes.]

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THAT FACE

WHAT OF IT

IT'S JUST THE FACE DICK IS MAKING

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