let's make the most of the night

[glowsferatu]

WHO: stuckhome residents and their guests
WHERE: Stuckhome
WHEN: 11/13, starting at 7pm
WARNINGS: discussion of suicide
SUMMARY: on this day one year ago, three girls died in an arena together. tonight, they hold a dinner party.
FORMAT: mingle

[ kanaya hadn't bothered mentioning why she called this gathering to most of the people here, and was evasive with anyone who saw through it, but she put her all into it. the house is spotless by the time the guests start arriving, everything in readiness for a quiet night with friends. ]

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open

[glowsferatu]

[ once everyone's plate is cleared, before dessert, kanaya rises to her feet and clinks her fork against her glass. she waits until she has everyone's attention, a forced, awkward smile on her lips. after all eyes are on her, she waits a bit more, looking around the table and taking a deep breath. her smile quickly fades.

she can do this. and no crying, not yet, just get the words out. it'll be the first ones that are the hardest, everything after should be easy. ]

I killed myself a year ago. I even had someone else strike the actual blow, I suppose I'm something of a coward that way. [ her eyes wander down to her plate, maybe fearing judgement in the others' eyes a little, maybe it's more the pity she doesn't want to see. ] I was at a point where I couldn't see myself among the living, and so, perhaps I didn't deserve to remain there. It was stupid of me, among other things.

[ she looks back up, her voice coming in stronger, not leaving a moment for anyone to interrupt, to protest. her eyes meet minako's. ] But when I returned, that same girl whose hand I sullied approached me, never begrudging or blaming me for what I'd made her do, though she had every right. She became a dear friend. [ she gives rin a smile. ] As did the girl we made our unfortunate witness, her life spared for only a little longer by our actions.

[ her gaze scans the rest of the room, maybe gauging their reactions. it had been selfish, perhaps, of her to track them into this night, this confession. it asks too much. she shakes her head. ]

We aren't gathered here today to dwell on that day. What matters is the year that's since past. To the friends we've made through it, and since. [ she looks to rose beside her, her smile growing warm as she feels her eyes start to water. ] To the people who helped us to realize that we have things worth living for. To those we love, [ she nods to karkat. ] and those we keep close. [ to davesprite, billy, steve. ] To those who've stood by me in the best times and in the worst. I'd like to dedicate tonight to all of you, and to the days we have ahead together.

[ she closes her eyes for a moment, brushing her fingers against the lids, and finally she raises her glass. ] To life.

open

[remarkablyspry]

[Steve's head remains tilted well after the toast – himself not all that acquainted with the etiquette involved anyway.

he's just wondering if he's missed something here.

once she's sat, he shimmies in his seat before deciding to just get up and bring the seat, popping down beside her.]

Ahm...Kanaya?

[glowsferatu]

[ steve she was slightly embarrassed to include in this confession. it's a bit awkward to expose him to something like this so early in their acquaintance, especially when it's the first some people who've known her for years would have heard. but he does live here, he has a right to know what comes with that.

she smooths out her hair before turning to him, a weak attempt at a polite smile on her lips. ]

Yes, Steve?

[remarkablyspry]

[he leans forward in a somewhat conspiratorial fashion, unease written on his face as he almost-whispers:] Was I supposed to bring a gift of some sort for this?

...I didn't research this event beforehand. [his eyes wince a little, very apologetic and worried.]

[glowsferatu]

[ she gives him a blank look for a few moments before her face softens with a light laugh, a smile playing across her lips. it's moments like this that make her glad he decided to stay with them once his friends were gone. ]

You're perfectly alright, Steve. Your company today is gift enough.

[remarkablyspry]

Oh, good. [sagging with relief, smiling weakly.] I must admit I've been so terribly preoccupied, I was running the risk of coming here quite rude and ill-prepared!

[glowsferatu]

Don't worry, if there were anything you would have needed to be aware prior to this starting, I would have let you know beforehand.

[ well, except for context to that whole preceding speech, at least. ]

[remarkablyspry]

That's certainly a relief to hear! [the smile's molding into a grin, despite himself.] But goodness, this has been an educational event thusfar! Thank you very much, indeed!

[glowsferatu]

Yeah, well, it's... [ she stops, running a hand through her hair with an awkward frown. ] It's been an eventful year.

I suppose it's only fair that you should know what type of people you're living with.

[gandere]

[ That's just depressing. ]

Uhh.

[ It hits her a little harder than she cares to admit though. With the loss of Saber and the 'anniversary' of their deaths, her emotions are so on edge that it shows in the way she grips her glass in a manner that threatens to crack it. ]

--Well, it's a good thing you appreciate life a little more or else we wouldn't have to listen to such downer talk, huh? [ An attempt was made. ]

[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya resumes her seat with a nod. she'd told rin exactly what she intended with this night, but...that she intended to do something like this wasn't really in the agreed upon plan. whoops. ]

It's true that I have a tendency to suffer in silence, but a little downer talk is generally better than an abundance of a downer reality.

[gandere]

[ Naturally she should have seen this coming to prepare herself. Death itself brings a lot of feelings that most never have the chance to deal with themselves. After all, once they're deceased, there's no returning to the world of the living to feel the guilt or bitterness.

Rin herself is still very good at keeping her own feelings at bay. ]

Next time you should just speak up a lot sooner. [ As if that ever solves anything. Not everyone is as open-minded as her. ] Then you wouldn't have to suffer in silence.

[glowsferatu]

I know, but knowing the path and walking it are very different, and I'm not exactly the best at it. That's just how bad habits are, though I know that to only be an excuse.

I suppose I just don't really think anyone cares to hear my problems. But I just felt this was something that needed to be said.

[ and mostly she just doesn't want to reactions exactly like this one, where the problem isn't so much in what she's expressing, but that the very act of expression has only caused inconvenience. ]

[gandere]

It did needed to be said, so don't regret it now that you've spoken it. [ Rin's just one of those people who believes in owning up to mistakes and rolling with the punches, so she's trying to think of what she could say to help alleviate her concerns. ] You can't help how people will react to hearing that sort of thing, but it can't be helped now.

[ All they can do is try to move forward. Thankfully, Rin is good at swallowing her emotions. ]

It was something that needed to be said, but everyone is here for you. At least I think they are and don't think that I mean anything too severe with that. I'm just trying to show you a bit of support.

[glowsferatu]

[ but swallowing can only last so long, and they have to come back out eventually. that's what got kanaya in this position to begin with. ]

Well, I appreciate it then. It's still something I'm getting used to,and I do apologize for that much. The process is sure to be a little awkward for everyone involved.

[gandere]

[ Rin's likely just built up a higher tolerance. She doesn't let her emotions show easy, choosing instead to hide behind elegant smiles or fits of anger.

For Kanaya's sake, she's getting the former. ]

It'll be awkward, but we'll move on. That's all we can do, don't you think? Oh, but you shouldn't be apologizing for what you've said. It only makes the value and emotion behind your words less meaningful in doing so.

[xxii_thefool]

[...oh.

Minako's smile is a practiced one, so it only falters for a little bit at the way that Kanaya's speech begins. It does turn self-conscious, however, when Kanaya looks her way, and she glances downward for a moment.

Only for a moment. She looks up again soon enough, at that last part - maybe she'd have preferred not to have had last year brought up, but the purpose of this whole thing is at least something she can get behind, and she smiles warmly as she, too, raises her glass.]

...cheers.

[glowsferatu]

[ and at that, kanaya flicks her gaze downward, her expression ambiguous. ] And, you know, all things considered, I'd rather it have happened than not. For the friends made, the lessons learned. I don't think I'd be doing as well otherwise.

[nitidus]

[It's hard, not to feel a little sad during the speech. Kanaya and she - they kept a lot of secrets from one another, before. Rose is still keeping secrets now. But - things had been so bad, not that long ago. It's strange to remember last Christmas and just how sour things had been beginning to get. It's strange to think of it and look at Kanaya now. There's a swell of fondness in Rose's chest as she listens to her, one that helps her keep the small smile on her face.

When Kanaya finishes talking, Rose discreetly reaches for her hand under the table to give it a squeeze. Her eyes might look a little glassy. ]

[glowsferatu]

[ once she's done and she's settled back into her chair, kanaya visibly deflates. who would have thought being honest would be so draining? she hoped it might be like a weight off her chest, but she doesn't feel lighter as much as light-headed. rose's hand in hers helps, reminds her that it's okay and she doesn't have to do it all alone.

she gives it a squeeze back before placing it on her knee, leaning over to rest her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. ]

[nitidus]

It was very moving.

[The speech. She squeezes Kanaya's hand and turns to kiss her head, nosing into her hair just for a moment. For a moment, she's quiet - keen to just let Kanaya settle for a moment and digest the weight of her speech.

She smiles a small smile.]

[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya just takes a deep breath, trying to catch up as much to what she's said as everyone else. but she feels relaxed in a way she didn't really expect to. even with the worst having been said, she's at a place where she's strangely comfortable. ]

That was the idea, I suppose. To give you all an idea of just how important you are to me. It really can't be overstated.

[nitidus]

Very true.

[Last year, Rose thinks it might have been very hard for Kanaya to be this open and honest with the people she cares about. She thinks there might have been a lot of sulking and avoidance and overall embarrassment about the things going on in her life.

Rose gets it. She often felt the same away about her own problems. She still does. However: ]

I'm very proud of you, Kanaya.

[glowsferatu]

[ it's still hard, incredibly hard. not quite as much with rose, but rose isn't the extent of her audience tonight. she spent weeks preparing for this tonight.

but she does manage a modest smile. ] I'm just...tired of holding it all in. Tired of it only coming out in ways that make things worse. All of you deserve me to be better than that.

[nitidus]

[Kanaya's words strike an unpleasant cord in her. But Rose pushes it down - now isn't the time for guilt. Now is the time to make sure Kanaya is alright. ]

You deserve some relief, Kanaya. Some stability.