capeandcowllogs | (no subject)

[ He raises his arms as if to shush and calm her at once. He hasn't a clue what to say to make her feel better. He's just as homesick, but he doesn't turn to drinking. He's starting to wonder if this has been going on a while. ]

I'm sorry. I understand, though...

[Somehow the realization that others are just as homesick makes her feel even worse. But for nearly two years now she hasn't been away from Bo for more than a week. It's hard to imagine being away from her and yet she's been doing just that for months now.

Why is it hitting her so hard now?]

Then you'll...lay with me?

I didn't say that...

[ But to provide some comfort, he does take a seat on the edge of the bed. He's actually rather concerned. ]

[ Gil averts his gaze momentarily. It's actually hard to see someone upset. He's never been good with words. Actions, well, he doesn't often get a chance. Socializing is not something he prioritized, so these situations are almost foreign to him.

It's different than dealing with an upset Sharon or Oz, or Vincent, even. He knows those two especially well enough to figure out how to console them in ways they appreciated.

With Kenzi, he's just not sure how to approach this. ]

We won't be here always. [ He has to tell himself this everyday. ]

[With Kenzi it's all comfort food, booze, and/or physical contact. But physical contact with just anyone isn't what works. She only wants to be close to those she trusts, those she considers friends. And Gil is one of them.]

I...know. [She shifts a bit on the bed to move closer to him.] It's just...been months without my bestie. [She blinks a couple times to clear her vision.]

[ He slowly inhales, the TV still going on in the other room. He can't make out what's being said. It's just noise in the background while he sits silent, picking at the words in his head. ]

I know it's hard.

But... I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

No...no I'm not. It's like...it's like I'm missing a part of me. [Yeah, that's how dependent she is on Bo.]

[ A hand presses against his own chest unconsciously. What she describes, he feels, too.

And it feels like a hole growing in size the longer he's here. ]

As someone told me not too long ago... we have to continue living. Until our time here is done.

It's hard though. [No, she's no suicidal, she never has been. And there's no point in it in this places. But it is hard to just go on with each day. Sure she hasn't given up hope that Bo will turn up there or she'll return home. But returning home isn't something she really wants. Sure she misses her friends but she has friends here she doesn't want to leave behind.]

[ There's no getting through to her, is there? Funny, how it's his turn to be on the other side of things. But it's different-- he has his duty and Oz and the others are in trouble back home. Trouble that have been trailing them since the Coming of Age ceremony ten years ago. It's so much easier to excuse his own insecurities.

He finally reaches to pat her shoulder gently. ]

I know. [ He repeats quietly, nodding. ] But you can't give up. And the alcohol is getting to you.

[Kenzi's just a human amongst Fae. She's nothing, in a blink of an eye to them she'll be dead and gone. She's reminded of this everyday. And in this place it's all time she could be spending with her friends from home. But they aren't here. She grows older and time stands still for them.

The hand on her shoulder is a welcomed feeling. She leans her head toward his hand and lets out a soft sigh.]

I guess. [Not so much directed at the comment about not giving up but the alcohol getting to her.]

[ He hesitates. Even with a glove hand, it feels alien to touch another person like this. Not Oz. Not Alice. It doesn't feel wrong, merely strange.

It's the least he can do for her. It's not Jess, or Jesse, or Donna's faults they were ported out. They had provided him with comfort, but they're no longer a constant in his life here. He's lucky to have Kenzi, he realizes. As often as they disagreed on things, she's stayed by his side and checked up on him when he actually needed it.

He gulps, gingerly pushing whatever stray hair falls around her out of her face. ]

I don't know why this has happened to us or when it will stop, but having a little bit of hope isn't so bad. And... [ A beat. ] You still have others here. You're not as alone as you think you are.

[It's those little things that he's doing that are helping make her feel a little better. Sure the words help but Kenzi's a very physical person.]

Yeah...I know. But I don't have anyone here that I've...y'know been through life or death situations with. Nothing like back home. [For all that crap that's gone down here it's not been as bad as the past two or so years back home. All the kidnappings and murder attempts. All the times she's nearly ended up Fae food. Or that one time with the drunk minotaur.]

[ How long has it been since he's hidden what's underneath his collar? November. November is when HABIT took him and those other people. When he bashed out Lenalee and Damian's brains without missing a beat and then tore his own throat open.

It doesn't feel like months. It feels like years. He finally loosens the collar and breathes like he hasn't breathed for the first time. The scar isn't completely visible from the angle he sits at, but when he looks back, it's peeking out from the collar. ]

A connection, you mean.

Yeah. [She doesn't notice it at first but once she does she sits up, a worried expression painted on her face.]

I got that better with people back home...not so much here. [She wants to reach out and pull his collar down more to look at it but stops herself before her hand gets too far.] What...?

[ He lightly pushes her hand away, not to be rude, but to tell her it's alright. ]

Just a scar. [ He says quietly, repeating those words in his heads. It doesn't mean anything right now. ] I wish I knew what to say, Kenzi. Without Oz, hell, even Break and the others... it's difficult.

So I understand for you, it's also hard. [ But he's simply at a loss for words. ] Sorry, I'm really no good at words...

[She gives a weak smile and shakes her head. She's not the best with words either, which is why she's so big on actions over words. And right now? She's moving to hug him. She knows he probably won't appreciate like she will but she just needs to be close to someone right now.]

Yeah...I know. [She's reluctant to pull back but she doesn't want him to feel uncomfortable for long.]

[ He shifts a little as he finds her pressing against him. Though he's caught off guard completely, he knows moving quickly or at all can result in her falling off the bed. ]

Huh? Kenzi...

[ His body stays rigid for half a minute while he tries to take in what's happening.

When he processes it, a hand trails through his hair while the other wraps around her and his body relaxes. He can't remember the last time he was hugged like this. Oscar? Probably Oscar. The only one who could really get away with gestures of affection, because it reminded Gil that he was still loved despite betraying the Vessalius who had done so much for him-- Oscar, Oz, and Ada in particular.

Deep down, it means so much to him that someone still cared after all these years, even if he can't fully understand it. ]

Maybe the Porter will bring them here to us one day.

Edited 2013-02-21 11:32 (UTC)

[Kenzi was in the process of pulling away when he returns the hug. She so surprised by it that she slips back against him and just stays there with her head resting against his shoulder.]

I keep hoping. Only...because I don't want to leave the people I've met here behind. [But she knows her friends wouldn't be happy here. Humans were just snacks for Bo. Dyson, well there was wildlife out there for him when he started to feel too cooped up so maybe he wouldn't mind it too much. She wasn't sure how Hale would deal with it. He'd probably try to do something to help relations between imPorts and natives. Trick would probably hate it here, too many humans and he'd be without his bar. And Lauren, well Kenzi could care less if Lauren showed up here or not.]

[ It's the same deal for Gil; they would feel too contained here. With so much happening back home and with them being so close to uncovering the truth they've sought for so long--

It's cruel to hope they'll come here.

He can't hope to stay here, however. ]

If only there was a way to keep our memories.

I..don't think that would make it any better. To go home and remember everyone from here would be cruel. [Just as it's cruel to anyone left behind here.]

Losing those memories also seems cruel. [ So there's no winning. ]

[Kenzi finally pulls back from him.]

You don't even realize there's anything missing though. Unless you're one of the one that returns here and doesn't remember ever being here.

You should lay down again. [ He lets go of her, suddenly oddly conscious of the scar.

What she says next makes that strange prickle in his temple return. He knows there's something in his memories trying to find its way back to the surface. Not here, though. Not now. He knows about Jack (or he thinks he does) and it's enough. ]

I think a part of you would still try to find those memories. Perhaps they wind up buried deep within us.

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